Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Cha cha changes

Read at your own risk.
So tomorrow I leave the young buck year of 26 and will be the old age of  27.  I'm a little leery of 27.  It sounds so dang old.  But, I have to admit- I'm ready to be done with 26.  At 26 I feel like I saw the good, the bad, the ugly.  Lots of things happened in 26 that I loved and some that I'd like to drop like hot potato. Good- I went on adventures, I saw some incredible stuff, made new friends and I am proud of myself.  Bad and or ugly- Change.  It was everywhere.  But, mostly I was just a witness.  I had a little chit chat with a dear friend last night and she made me feel a whole lot better.  I was headed for quarter life crisis meltdown stage 10. Code red.  She said that I was seeing a whole lot of change. Change with other people.  Like I have a whole crud-ton of people that have had some huge life changes.  I've lost them to marriage, they've birthed kidlets, they've got cool jobs and a lot of them have moved.  For a while I was just trucking along.  And Boom.  Hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am steady eddy so it takes me a while to process these things and when it hits me- its incredibly delayed.  Well, it has hit me.  Boy was it ugly.  Last week I was a hot mess.  I was most likely the most insecure person that I knew.  I was 2nd guessing every possible thing I could think of.  It was the first time that I think I was ever not comfortable in my own skin.  I panicked.  Not cool. All these things were making me lose sleep.  And that my friends is not gonna fly.  Things like: Where are my friends?  Do I have friends? (yes I know I have them- bare with me) Do people like me?  Do I need a cooler job?  Am I doing all this right?  What's wrong with me?  Why do I feel like a freak, everyone has their junk together.  Did I miss something? Am I normal?  Did I fail? I don't want to be just ordinary.. Why can't I give to the Lord?  Where are you Lord?  Chello?  And the list could go on forever.  I got a little desperate so I scheduled some Ananias prayer.  I'm sure my prayer people were shocked that I willingly scheduled it (as they are not used to that..).  When I'm insecure, vain imaginings rear their ugly little heads and its down hill from there. It was not fun.  So here is the deal.  I have friends.  Yes, I do.  Very good friends.  People who really pour into me.  But, I have been relying on people a whole lot more than I have been relying on God.  And I think that has become evident.  Have I had a quiet time?  No.  In fact, my bible is missing.  Do you have it?  It's been a while.  Can I rely on God?  I think I have a little trust issue or something in that department...  Just because I don't have something to do on a random Tuesday night does not mean that I'm going to become a 40 yr old recluse cat lady.  Seriously.  Cool out.  Change will always be happening.  I have to deal.  I think it comes down to when I second guess myself, it's because I'm worrying about what other people think.  TRUE story.  This is the one I can't stand the most.  Fear of man.  I'm trying to figure out how to kick that habit.  I also am not big buddies with fear of failure.  This one is always lurking somewhere.  No I am not a failure.  Yes, sometimes I will fail at things.  It's ok.  Also, I've decided that I'm not abnormal.  Everyone does not have there shiz together at all times.  It may look like it, but the grass is always greener.  Life is messy.  It happens.  I've decided that I'd rather do it messy than do it any other way.  And I'd like to do it with other messy real people.  We all do it different and it looks different for everyone. Two things for sure.  1-I have to trust that the Big man up there has my back.  And he does.  He never fails. But, I have to put a little effort in there. 2- I am so thankful for those that are my friends.  Seriously.  kids, roommates, moms, g mas.  Love you all.  Blessed. 100%.  I love my people.   So, my goal for 27 is to leave my junk from 26 behind.  We shall see how this goes.

On a lighter note.  This morning a man was doing high knees at the top of the bridge.  I just could not contain myself.  I tried to get a little video action, but he basically caught me red handed.  I couldn't even hide it.  I giggled the whole way down.  I'm starting to like my people of the bridge... 

catch you later.

1 comment:

  1. Happy Birthday, friend. I love you....and you have a book in your future. For Sure. Keep the words flowing..... you are gifted mightily.