Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Fat Camp?

Well hello there. I apologize for the blogging absence. I'm sure you have all been anxiously awaiting the return. Just kidding.  But, thank you to my two followers who kept reminding me that I had one of these things. I felt the love (logs and Stephen) Let me explain my absence.

Buckle your seatbelt. Just kidding. Sorry. I am feeling more dramatic than the usual. So here goes. Also keep in mind there is a lot of sarcasm about to be thrown down so you will just have to deal. It is much easier to be sarcastic than for real about this stuff and I'm in charge over here. Sarcasm it is.

September 11. Little did I know I was signing my life away. Literally. September 11 is when life change came busting into my nice, good little unhealthy stagnant lazy ish life. I have no idea how I willingly signed up to do the HCC. Healthy Charleston Challenge. Just the name is giving me some PTSD. My entire family had drunk the HCC Kool Aid and I was doing everything possible to not give in to their HCC evangelism. Dag.  I only lasted a while. I kept thinking I just needed to get this shiz over with so they will stop evangelizing..  I would also like to add that I have one of the best friends in the ENTIRE world. Yes. She signed up and did it with me. THANK GOD bc I would have been hauling ass right out of that door on night 1 when they told be to say good bye to bacon. And coke. And bread. And fun. And everything that I could possibly enjoy. No big deal. Just my ENTIRE life had to be uprooted. No biggie. I love change. Said me NEVER.

That was the 1st half. The other half was fitness. KILL ME NOW. Seriously. So we were divided into teams and got a trainer. Most days of the week you could find us on the verge of tears, mental breaks and extreme anger on the basketball court or the stairwells in the Wellness Center. The first day I thought I would die. We ran 48 flights of stairs and I literally couldn't walk the next day. The next week I actually prayed that God would call me home while on the hellacious stair mill from the depths of hell. Seriously. If I could blow up one exercise related machine it would be that. Hands down. I wanted to throw myself off of it just to sustain an injury. Although, I'm pretty sure they would find some horrible "modification." We had to run a timed mile on 3 separate occasions. Took myself back to freshmen PE at Wando. Last place. Oh yeah. Clydesdale division. I'm still incredibly slow, but I did finally run the whole dang thing. And didn't die. Freaking planks. My behind ran with a tractor tire tied to my waist. Life change. (Vomit) Any who, 10 weeks of this has now come and gone.

10 weeks. I had no energy for anything else. I was just trying to stay sane. And somewhat of a nice person. I had to go eat at places that Whole Foods shoppers eat. Greens. Nuts. Vegetables. Ug. I kept thinking, these little people do this all of the time. ALL-OF-THE-TIME. Like forever. Good Lord. I was not made for that. I am a Mozzo eater. Melvins. Chinese. Yes, I am aware that those places probably led to my demise... No need to bring that up. Any who. We just finished last week. I like to call it fat camp graduation. No, I'm not saying that in a self deprecating way (Well a tiny bit). Fat Camp. It at least kept me laughing. It was like a funny 90's movie. We had so many moments on the track hiding from our trainer. I for one was dying laughing most days about so many gym things. Tudes at the gym. Super work out people. Old people. Our team was kind of like the bad news bears, but I will say that we got it done and we actually became friends. Now I have gym friends. Herb will love this. Dreams coming true:) (that's for you dad).

 So how did it end? In 10 weeks, I learned how not to eat. I learned that bacon and sugar and salt (and pretty much everything I love) is the spawn of Satan and I should never touch them again... We'll see... I may have actually already had some bacon... Oops. Sorry I'm not sorry. In 10 weeks I got rock freakin solid arms. I lost 6 lbs off each arm. (I did not know that was possible). How come no one told me I had massive arms?? Just kidding- never tell me that. Ever. Or you will get punched with one of my new arms. I somehow lost 25 lbs in the 10 weeks. I will say- I never thought it would happen and I had pretty much prepared myself to have a whole lot of pride and act totally un concerned an un affected. Well, after a 1st week of success, I was all in. It is amazing what a little bit of confidence will do for you. I still have a hell of a lot more to go, but fat camp was a success. I probably won't ever bring this up to any of you. Ever. Because I feel like instant death even talking about it. So there you have it. End of story.

I'll leave you with this. Here is some advice on what not to say to anyone at the gym. Especially a girl. Who has just survived fat camp.  Just yesterday a man at the gym told me he was watching me with the mirrors. (At this point I was creeped out). He said I looked strong. "Good core and all. And if I could just strengthen up the mid section it would be great. The mid section is crucial. I think you have a good mid section in there." Really? Let me go crawl in a hole of black abyss and die a slow death.  Also, enter the locker room with your head down. Never make eye contact. If you go in like a normal civilian you will come face to face with naked lady who is standing in the middle just watching. Or lotioning. Neither is good. Trust me.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

A little Piper

"Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen...don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for." John Piper

I read this the other day and it really struck me. I feel like this year has been different than any other I've met yet. I can't even talk about all of the deaths and sadness I've seen kids I know dealing with and that I've experienced. There are no words to even say. But, for some reason when I read this yesterday it gave me a peace. The weird kind of peace. The supernatural kind of peace. The steadying peace. It gave me hope. It somehow validated my feelings. It made me think. If we have to experience pain, affliction and loss then I want it to mean something. I don't want it to be meaningless. I want the eternal weight of glory.  I want the HOPE.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The kids of Chick Fil A

Alien Creatures.

They are psychotic alien creatures masked by tiny humans with ice cream dripping from their ears. Ok. I feel better. I like kids. No, I love kids. So please don't get offended. But, I just need to paint a picture here.

I randomly get to do some photography work for Chick Fil A and in return I get paid in coupons. Which is AMAZING. That being said, I was meeting my friend (who is a mom and totally understood the sitch that was happening) at the chicken factory.  Now, I understand it was lunch time and moms are in complete survival mode. This by the way is not directed at any moms, just noting that kids turn into crazy alien tiny humans while at chick fil a.   We were catching up because we hadn't seen each other. We were seated near the play area. I will add that the chicken factory was jam packed. I had to circle the lot like 127 times and had to fight several mini vans for a spot. When I found one, it was like the parting of the Red Sea. It is a dangerous world there in the tiny ass chick fil a lot during the lunch window. I saw about 300 mini vans with stick figures on the back and felt like such an outsider.. While we were catching up, I kept hearing these brain crunching screams from all over the building. The Aliens. Running crazy. Tasting freedom. I felt so bad for the moms. They have to deal with this every single day. For a very long time. There they were, thankful to have made it into the outside world, to have other adult interaction, only to have the little tiny people reuniting with their own kind and running crazy. Taking out little babies and the elderly as they dart for the play area, taking down anything in their path. One by one, they would pass our table. Staring at you like you are one eyed. Kids have an incredible stare stamina by the way. They will lock eyes and hold it for a solid amount of time. Just enough time to make you question your entire self.  Why am I, the 28 yr old, feeling insecure?? As they passed I noticed one had ice dream dripping from his ear ( a solid drip flow). I saw one with ketchup all over his rear (probably going to spread it onto something or someone else). I even saw one threaten to hit another mom in the face with his shoes. Its dangerous in there. Then I heard this incredible banging noise right next to me. I thought a window was breaking. No. Just a kid banging a matchbox truck into the window with all of his might right next to us. Staring us down.. It was an attack of the tiny humans. They clearly have strength in numbers. All I could think about were the moms. The poor moms. Run ragged by the tiny aliens. Day by day. I bet they are so glad school is starting back up. Seriously. I don't know how you do it. This Buds for you.

Until next time,
Traumatized 28 yr old kidless single person

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

People of the Gym: The shower

I am different. I know this. I get anxiety about the dumbest things. I don't get anxiety about normal anxiety causing things. Just saying, I am aware. Going to the gym is a sticky wicket for me. Sometimes its a major struggle and sometimes its not. Like if I make it to the parking garage, I have to totally talk myself into actually going inside- but once I'm in- its game on. Same with the locker room.  I hate going into the locker room every morning because I fear turning the corner and facing a pair of 78 yr old butt cheeks looking me right in the eye or the naked lady that just stands in the middle of the lockers and likes to make eye contact. No mam. I also used to have a fear of running on the track when it was crowded.. I think I'm past that one now. I'm still scared of the locker room and rightfully so. So insert today's lovely experience. I am not one of the people who strip on down and head to the shower, shower and then strut around in my towel. No. I am the chicken who takes all of her stuff to the shower and gets the shower and the changing done in my 10sqft of shower stall. That is me. So today I had one of my most awkward moments.  I was exhausted slash half asleep in the shower. Not paying much attention and slightly hostile because some lady was hogging my favorite shower. So I had to move to another (I only like the ones on the end..)  I always forget this one has kind of a larger gap by the shower head between stalls. I usually don't care, but today was not so good. I was showering and after a while I opened my eyes. My head happened to be pointed toward the other stall. Well, somehow the other lady in the other stall was looking at the exact same time. Let me just say that we made the most awkward eye contact I have ever made (and I have had some bad ones). I mean, there she was. There I was in full middle school freeze up.  I do not want to make eye contact with anyone through a shower stall hole. Well, being the nerd that I am, I totally panicked and ducked. Ducked. Like a dipwad. Seriously?  Like she wouldn't notice that I just ducked...  Then I felt super awkward. So I took an extra long time getting dressed. I also realized I was holding my breath (Like she wouldn't know I was 2 ft away behind the stall wall.. Good lord. I totally waited for her to get fully dressed and exit the locker room before I left my hiding spot in the shower. Just when I think its safe, I round the corner.  Only to be met with butt cheeks. You're welcome.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


I have a more serious post coming your way, but I have zero energy and zero motivation. Sorry. I promise to get back on the horse at some point.  I realized that I have completed exactly none of my summer goals.  Oh well.  Here is a little summer recap.

Got to go surfing a few times with these ones
 Celebrated the 4th at the Carmody's with the Sutherland boys
 Boat church with some dear ones
this happened
We celebrated birthdays
 Road tripped to DMB
 with thousands of dearest our pals
 Got to visit with my girl Libby
 Hit the pier
 And finally found some cooler weather in the mountains with some of my favorites
 Seriously - best road trip crew ever. 
Zero goals accomplished.  Still pretty darn good:)

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Happy Camper version 2

I'm going to stick with the Young Life theme today and tell you about the second best camp experience I ever had. 2006. I had never actually left Charleston for more than a week. Some how, some way I applied for YL summer staff.  And some how I got it.  In British Columbia.  Hot damn.  I will admit that I had a panic attack/mild heart attack at the air port gate, begged my dad not to make me go and maybe cried... Short of the story is that I made it to camp. And never wanted to leave. I made the greatest friends from all over the country.  I also forgot long pants...  I can't explain it, but YL life camp is life changing. Malibu Club in British Columbia is magical. Good things are pretty much guaranteed to happen.  And happen they did:) I also happened to score the best job ever possible. I was in charge of the dock and stuff. Stuff as in boats:)  Basically I spent my entire day on boats, on the dock and talking to people.  With a slight chance of a nap in side my dock house.. We also got to chill with Bob Goff at his house.  And got to play street hockey every week.  I was sold..

(My office)