Roar

If you have been reading lately then you know some of the things that have been going on in my crazy train.  I've been having a melting pot of thoughts lately.  Here is one that woke me up in the middle of the night.  I've been asking God a lot of questions.  Been trying to cut some deals with Him (which have not worked..) and honestly, I've been questioning His whereabouts.  Also, I've been wishing for Him to be a little quieter or maybe just leave me be for a while.  (This is dumb I know).  Deep down, I've been wanting Him to inform me that he has me.  That my life would be safer or easier or less chaotic.  Maybe He could direct from backstage?  Yeah, that would be ideal...  The root of this for me, I think, is that I want to feel safe.  I want my life to be safe.  I want God to be safe.  And sweet.  And always nice.  (And maybe always do what I want..)  I woke up around 4 am this morning with my prayers on my heart.  I realized immediately why I wasn't at peace with this.  These were sounding like little pansy prayers... 

God doesn't promise that He is safe or that we will be safe or that life will be rainbows and butterflies.  I thought further.  Do I really actually want a safe, passive, back seat driver of a God?  What kind of king would fit that description?  Then I thought about it on my end.  Choosing the easy way isn't what we are called to do.  I don't want that anyways.  Yeah, sure lately I wouldn't mind it.  As much as I b*tch and moan, I want my God to be tough.  To fight for me.  To fight for you.  As mad as I am or can be, as pissed as I am or can get, I have peace knowing that it is nothing compared to Him.  The same goes for love.  As much love as I have for something or someone, it is nothing compared to His love.  I forget that at the drop of the hat on most days, when things don't turn out how I want them to.