Lately

Lately, I've been catching myself day dreaming in the office. I think my heart is just beside itself anticipating the fall season.  And hopefully with the fall, maybe a different season spiritually as well.  I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the "me" as much as I'd have liked.  Most of the time lately, I have just been trying to get to the next day as smoothly as possible.  I found myself in a rather tough season on several accounts and I kept waiting to be rescued form it.  Pretty much like a Disney princess getting rescued from the tower if I am really honest.  I kept thinking that things would miraculously change and everything would be hunky dory.  I'm starting to realize that that may not be exactly how God operates..  Much to my disappointment.  I was talking to a friend a couple weeks ago.  We were kind of hashing some things out and I told her what I needed most was to know that God had me.  No idea how to explain it, but that's what I felt in my heart.  I was hoping she was going to pepper me with some lovey dovey inspiration.  Not the case.  Her response was one trillion times better.  And more real.  She said, "When do you first remember God not having you in his hand?"  It has spawned some serious self reflecting.  Just the other day I kept asking God why doesn't He just swoop in and fix all of this junk.  Seriously.  I have been good, treated people nicely, what the hell am I doing wrong here?  Why not show up and deal?  Then I would get all mad because deep down I was wishing I would get a bolt of lightening or a stack one hundred dollar bills would drop from the sky or something so I would know He was hearing me.  And then it hit me.  Just when I was mad and cussing Him up and down, left and right, something hit me.  Maybe his plan isn't always to rescue.  Maybe instead of being a complete ass, I can figure out what it is exactly that I have maybe learned or try and see what he could be teaching me.  Hopefully I've learned something.  Maybe a change in seasons (weather wise) doesn't mean that I'm going to transition into a delightful spiritual season.  As hopeful as I am for a change that I desperately want, maybe He wants to grow me even more.  I have to say, before these last 10 months I was more of a pansy than I knew.  I only thought of God when I wanted to or when I needed Him.  I would say that my faith was a lot more circumstantial.  Now, I can notice a difference in myself.  Some good, some bad.  But, I know that there is a depth in here that was not there before.  I'm certain of that.  There is piece of this heart that is forever different than before.  And that is enough to quiet the doubts of today.  I still have questions.  And doubts.  I still want Him to show up.  But, I've also realized that I have been trying to will Him into my wants and my plans.  I don't think that is how it goes..

Was having a little mind wandering sesh today at work and these are on my mind..  Come on fall:)