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Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Thoughts

So I have been sitting in class this week.  It has nearly killed me, but I'm halfway done- so there's a positive.  I was also transported back to Algebra 1 today and slammed with my math anxiety... Math is just not for me.  But, alas, I must pass my exam.  So say some serious prayers.  Any ways.  I was sitting in class and my mind got to wandering.  I felt like I was wasting time sitting there, trying to memorize polish notation which I will probably never use again.  Story of my life.  But, I was thinking about a lot of things.  I was thinking about gifts. Now, I am more on the negative side and don't think I posses a huge amount of gifts, but I know that I can talk to people and I can occasionally write something good. My dream is to one day become a writer/author.  That and a woman fishing guide are my two fairy tale dreams.  Today, I thought, what am I waiting for?  I keep waiting for life events to line up perfectly and I would then sit at my computer and draft a bestseller on my first try.  Probably not going to happen.  But, I keep waiting.  I keep waiting for the perfect situation.  Chances are that there will not be a perfect situation for me to cough out a novel.  It's not going to be easy.  I think deep down I fear the commitment.  I fear the possible thought of rejection.  And I fear failing.  But, I also know that I don't want to waste a chance.  I don't want to waste a dream because I am scared of things that have not even happened yet.  I am tired of playing things out to the end, when the beginning has yet to even begin.  So what am I waiting for?  Inspiration?  Encouragement?  Time?  Affirmation?  Yes, but those shouldn't be deal killers.  So what if my book could stink.  So what if I don't have time.  I can make time.  I've had these thoughts for so long and I feel like today the Lord was trying to show me something different. Instead of looking at the why nots, look at the what ifs.  What if I just did it?  What if I put on my big girl pants and did this thing?  It is terrifying yet exhilarating at the same time.  I get so excited just thinking about it.  If you were here next to me I would wear your ears out about it.  I love this feeling. I can't even explain it.  I rarely let myself do this.  I absolutely love getting the creative juices flowing.  And boy are they flowing.  Wowzas.  I also thought- what if God gave me writing for a reason?  Surely I shouldn't waste it?  Right?  Right.  So its on.  The creative juices are flowing and I'm excited to see where they go.  Not saying I'll pop out a book any time soon, but maybe I'll get something in the works:)

Catch you later,
SRS

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