**Disclaimer- I'm writing this because sometimes writing is how I process. I know what I need to do and what not, so don't worry. I'm not writing this for you. It's for me. And it is LLOONNGG. So read at your own risk**
Today I had a little mini meltdown. Well it was mini compared to most, but to me- it was big. And pivotal. So I think. I think I kind of reached the end of me. Which is good. It has actually been quite a long time coming. It started back in September when I went down to CHM. (My splash of the Holy Spirit post). I knew things were happening. I knew I was doing a lot. But, I kept on. Steady Eddy. It was all building. What is "it" you ask? Well its bad time management, lack of quality time with me and God, saying yes to things that I should have said no to, failing in relationships, insecurity and everyday junkness. Then came the wedding and the MOH duties. These were totally fine, but they just built on to the gigantic snowball that was barrelling at me and mach 10. So naturally, I ignored it. The wedding came and went. I somehow became extremely emotional post wedding. (I seriously could not figure out what was wrong). I cried when Logan left. And frankly was feeling weird all week. Not because I am sad. But I know things will have to change a little bit or a lot bit. I guess for some reason, I was having a hard time with that. I was really tired after the wedding and never exactly caught up with everything. Then that Fri I was going on the Youth Retreat and we had to be at the church at 9am Fri. I had a hard time sleeping because I sometimes get trip anxiety. The weekend was so so incredible. But it was also exhausting. And I bet that I slept 7 total hours on the trip. I just could not get my sleep on. On Sunday afternoon, I could hardly move. All achy and tired. I knew I was getting sick. And bam! It hit me. I got sick. It is now Thurs and I am still sick (just a side note). I worked half a day on Monday and Dad said I didn't look good and sent me home. To rest. But, of course, I could not rest well. And the Young Life banquet was that night (which was incredible.) I woke up Tues (after 3 hrs of slumber) not being able to breathe through my nose. I felt awful. But I went to work. Headed to leadership huddle where Cassie made me show her my calender. It was much worse than I imagined. Too many things. It usually seems fine to me, but when I actually show it to someone- it's bad. So we are going to do some re-arranging. But it got me to realize some things. I rolled on to Wed. Here is when the meltdown reared the beginnings of it's fugly lil head. Thoughts had been sitting with me all day. I went to church in a really bad mood. We were singing one song at the end and I couldn't even sing the words because I felt so bad about it. I had to walk out. Then we had Fight Club/Small group. And it was so good. We talked about noise and not being able to hear God (Crazy how these things work). I basically shared what was going on with me to them. Which I think is good because I am a leader, but I'm normal and deal with the same things that they do. It turned out that some of them were dealing with the same junk. Today I worked and felt sick so I left. Went to small group. Someone said how are you? Normally I say fine. Today I said "terrible." RED FLAG. They made me talk about it. It was good. For the most part. You see, I know that I have said yes to too much. I spread myself too thin. I know this. Now I just have to work my way out of it. I also know that things are weighing me down that I need to give to the Lord. Here is what I need to do.
I need some boundaries. Because boundaries define us. They give us a limit. I know that I am a people person. And I can't make choices depending on what I think people want me to do. I am responsible for my attitude. It's in my heart, not anybody else's. I know that I need to recognize my feelings instead of ignoring them. Feelings tell us how we are. I need to take my thoughts seriously. So many thoughts go unnoticed. But, I need to observe them and reflect on them. God says to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. I need to explore my talents. This has been super difficult for me, since I have not had the time or energy to do so. I can't accept other people's definitions of me or who they think I am or what they think I am good at. "We lose our true selves when we conform to others - we lose our separateness and our identity (paraphrased from a book we are reading through). I need to make intentional choices. Our choices are not real unless we realize all that goes into them-feelings, attitudes, behavior etc. I'm borrowing this also: "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" 2 Cor.9:7. This stood out to me so much. I don't want to give or serve out of obligation. I am starting to realize my limits. Be it the hard way, but it's happening. I have to remember that I have a finite amount of love, energy, ability etc. When I start to feel overwhelmed and stressed, I need to realize where I have overstretched myself. And say no. A lot of times it means saying no to really good things. And that is the hardest part. At least for me. I hate to say no to good stuff. Especially if I feel like I will miss out or it is my only chance. And it all depends in what kind of season we are in. Sometimes I have more to give. Sometimes-less.
So I know this seems like a lot. But it can be done. I'm not saying this stuff non chalantly like I know how to do it all. Because I don't. Not even close. But I know what needs to happen. And I have to trust that the Lord is going to be right there alongside me every step. That in it's self is a miracle to me. It could take a day, or a month or a lot of months. Who knows? So if you don't hear from me for a while- fret not. I'll be working some kinks out. But it's got to be done. Alright, I'm off to sleep. Hopefully.