Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Monday, April 4, 2011

Breakdown at Belk's

Here was the situation.  My bed pillows were 87 years old and flat as a board.  I decided that I needed to invest in some better pillows.  That being said I did some online shopping because I literally hate shopping in public.  Unless it is for furniture, shoes or large ticket items.  After some research I decided that one must actually see the pillows in person to make an educated purchase.  I’m sorry, do yall know how expensive pillows are?  My gosh.  I could buy a small child or a mini giraffe on the black market or something for the price of a nice pillow.  That was a little dramatic, but it’s true.  After putting some feelers out for pillow advice (nothing is ever simple over here, bc I know nothing about home decorating and what not) a friend gave me a coupon for a nice pillow.  So I got a little excited.  Only downfall- I had to go to Belk.  Disclaimer: I HATE BELK’S.  I HATE DEPARTMENT STORES.  If I had allergies, I think it would give me hives.  So I reconciled the fact that I was going to have to go to Towne Center.  Before heading over there I met up with one of my favorite people ever.  Rosemary.  She said that she actually had to go to Belk too.  Then she suggested I just go to the one at the mall.  I should of known better.  Did I mention that I HATE MALLS?   I decided to give it a go bc if Rosemary can do it, I can do it.  Plus, if I made it successfully out of department store hell, I could take a jaunt across the street to Dick’s Sporting Goods which is like Christmas every time I pop in there.  So here is what went down.

I arrived on the premises.  I could feel my blood pressure start to rise with each step closer to the automatic doors.  Then I was inside.  The place was packed full of stuff.  They always re arrange too.  I mean I haven’t been there since like 1997, but I was hoping to straight shoot right to the correct department.  Fat chance.  I maneuvered my way past the handbags and ugly shoes.  Made a few passes around and realized I needed to get to level 2.  So I carefully hopped on the escalator where I lost a piece of my Wallabee.  Oh joy.  Then I found the pillows.  I had no idea that the selection of pillows was so intense.  Mild panic set in.  This was not going to be quick.  I got a bit overwhelmed.

Too many choices.   No joke.  I just stood there for a few minutes.  Said a few choice words under my breath. Then decided to pull out each one that I would consider.  I was starting to stress out a little.  Or a lot.
 Of course all of the ones I liked best were $75 bucks or more.  Story of my life.  Then I saw a sign that said all pillows 65% off.  SCORE!  So I got a really nice pillow for cheap, some euro sized pillows to properly fulfill my euro shams and another nice pillow.  Then I made my way to the check out.  When I arrived at the checkout, there was a not so good situation.  My checkout was also home to the bridal registry.  Pain in the rear.  One check out lady.  5 angry housewives.  They all needed help understanding how to operate the registries.  I was getting peeved.  Meanwhile holding all 5 pillows because I do not want my precious new pillows coming close to the floor of that place.  Of course the women just stood there staring.  They were all getting mad because the one sales girl couldn't show them all attention at the same time.  So I finally put the pillows on the counter and took 2 of the women with me to show them how to buy things off of a registry.  My gosh.  The things they wanted to buy....ew.  But I lied and told them that any bride would love to have that plain white bowl that can hold 4 shrimp.  Finally I got checked out.  I got 4 awesome pillows for $47.  Run and tell that.  

I then started my descent to get the heck out of that place.  As I was making my way to the escalator I heard the all too familiar panicky cry of a preteen.  I know this type of panic because I once too felt this.  There she was.  Stuffed into a hideous wannabe Easter dress.  Poor poor child.  You know the kind that it made of that weird silky material that sticks to you?  I would have taken a pic, but I could have prolly scored some jail time on that one, so I just observed stealthly from a distance...If I go to jail, I want to go for something awesome.  I wanted to save her, because she had no chance.  The dress was floral.  With a tie on the back.  Lace on the bottom.  Not only was the dress bad, but the mothership was trying to make her try on a matching hat.  This is where I would draw the line.  This child is going to be scarred for life. I mean, seriously??  She was upset.  And the mom was not to consoling.  Then the grandmother entered the picture.  This is when you know there is no hope for survival.  When grandma is buying-you are done for.  Trust me.  I once had a situation like this happen at Hamricks.  What sweet kid wants an outfit from there (sorry I mean no disrespect)?  Its not a kid store.  Just imagine a shiny, blue, skirt suit.  Plus a really short boy hair cut.  I was 12.  Not sure I'm over it.  That being said, I threw up a few prayers for the poor innocent Easter dress victim in the Belk and bolted out of there.   I think I was actually running by the time I shot out of the doors.  I wanted to kiss the ground of freedom (a little dramatic again...sorry)  This was Friday morning.   I think that I am recovered now.  And I have good pillows:)  Yesterday was beautiful.  I spent the afternoon playing a dice game and what not with these lovely ladies and enjoying Mt. Perfect.  It was beautiful!!!

This is my favorite picture of the day:

No Easter dresses for this girl,



  1. I love reading your blog, it always makes me laugh out loud, good thing I work from home! Keep on Betty keep on!

  2. another great laugh! Keep it up. I can totally relate.

  3. hahhha sassy pants!!
    I love this!! laughing in my kitchen as i read - marvellous simply marvellous!!;)