Roar

If you have been reading lately then you know some of the things that have been going on in my crazy train.  I've been having a melting pot of thoughts lately.  Here is one that woke me up in the middle of the night.  I've been asking God a lot of questions.  Been trying to cut some deals with Him (which have not worked..) and honestly, I've been questioning His whereabouts.  Also, I've been wishing for Him to be a little quieter or maybe just leave me be for a while.  (This is dumb I know).  Deep down, I've been wanting Him to inform me that he has me.  That my life would be safer or easier or less chaotic.  Maybe He could direct from backstage?  Yeah, that would be ideal...  The root of this for me, I think, is that I want to feel safe.  I want my life to be safe.  I want God to be safe.  And sweet.  And always nice.  (And maybe always do what I want..)  I woke up around 4 am this morning with my prayers on my heart.  I realized immediately why I wasn't at peace with this.  These were sounding like little pansy prayers... 

God doesn't promise that He is safe or that we will be safe or that life will be rainbows and butterflies.  I thought further.  Do I really actually want a safe, passive, back seat driver of a God?  What kind of king would fit that description?  Then I thought about it on my end.  Choosing the easy way isn't what we are called to do.  I don't want that anyways.  Yeah, sure lately I wouldn't mind it.  As much as I b*tch and moan, I want my God to be tough.  To fight for me.  To fight for you.  As mad as I am or can be, as pissed as I am or can get, I have peace knowing that it is nothing compared to Him.  The same goes for love.  As much love as I have for something or someone, it is nothing compared to His love.  I forget that at the drop of the hat on most days, when things don't turn out how I want them to.

soul food

I can't remember if I have already posted this quote by E. E. Cummings before, but I don't think soaking it in one more time would be too terrible for any of us.  To me, this quote makes my heart full.  Here's why.  I 100% think this is true.  For me at least.  I often find myself more insecure than I'd like to think.  I am scared of people, I'm always worried if people don't like me and I am a doubter.  I used to think that I always had to be funny or people wouldn't like me.  There. I said it.(whew)  But over the last few years I have learned that is not the case.  I have realized that I'm a needer of affirmation/encouragement.  I often will get ideas, but I will go ahead and shoot them down before any one else could even have one iota of a chance.  But, every once in a while- someone beats me to it.  Instead of a shoot down, there is encouragement.  Sometimes we are too inwardly focused and need to see/hear from someone else. Someone that we know loves us and wants the best for us.  No matter what.  I am a first hand recipient of this.  It started with my parents, then with my YL leader and then with a few friends now.  I can remember very clearly a few conversations lately that (and I know that I did not show it) have been life changers.  Simple words.  Whether they were meant to pierce my heart or not they did.  And they needed too.  I am my own worst enemy most times and I know that I can get stuck in that.  But THANK GOD there are people willing to put it out there and do life with me (the hot mess express).  I can be sitting, having a normal conversation and all of a sudden, my heart will just start racing and I will hear the one voice.  The voice of encouragement.  The voice of trust.  The voice of worthiness.  Something just clicks and it's like all of a sudden I realize that maybe I can do something.  Maybe I too am worthy or capable of doing something valuable.  Sometimes, I think someone else has to believe in me before I will believe in myself.  And I think this is important.  It's very important to receive it, but it is, in my opinion, equally as important to give it away.  If we can learn to see past people and see into their hearts, maybe we can see what the Lord has for them.  Maybe we can see just who the Lords wants them to be.  And we have this sacred opportunity to encourage them.  We have the chance to help them feel worthy.  We have this chance to do life together.  To love one another.  Just a few words or some quality time can be a life changer.  I know this is true.  And I think this is what loving each other is all about.  It's hard. It's messy.  But it's worth it.  Lives can be changed.  Even saved.  I think it's just a glimpse of the kingdom poking in:)

Please

I've been praying this up lately.  Sometimes it's a good reminder. 

Lately

Lately, I've been catching myself day dreaming in the office. I think my heart is just beside itself anticipating the fall season.  And hopefully with the fall, maybe a different season spiritually as well.  I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the "me" as much as I'd have liked.  Most of the time lately, I have just been trying to get to the next day as smoothly as possible.  I found myself in a rather tough season on several accounts and I kept waiting to be rescued form it.  Pretty much like a Disney princess getting rescued from the tower if I am really honest.  I kept thinking that things would miraculously change and everything would be hunky dory.  I'm starting to realize that that may not be exactly how God operates..  Much to my disappointment.  I was talking to a friend a couple weeks ago.  We were kind of hashing some things out and I told her what I needed most was to know that God had me.  No idea how to explain it, but that's what I felt in my heart.  I was hoping she was going to pepper me with some lovey dovey inspiration.  Not the case.  Her response was one trillion times better.  And more real.  She said, "When do you first remember God not having you in his hand?"  It has spawned some serious self reflecting.  Just the other day I kept asking God why doesn't He just swoop in and fix all of this junk.  Seriously.  I have been good, treated people nicely, what the hell am I doing wrong here?  Why not show up and deal?  Then I would get all mad because deep down I was wishing I would get a bolt of lightening or a stack one hundred dollar bills would drop from the sky or something so I would know He was hearing me.  And then it hit me.  Just when I was mad and cussing Him up and down, left and right, something hit me.  Maybe his plan isn't always to rescue.  Maybe instead of being a complete ass, I can figure out what it is exactly that I have maybe learned or try and see what he could be teaching me.  Hopefully I've learned something.  Maybe a change in seasons (weather wise) doesn't mean that I'm going to transition into a delightful spiritual season.  As hopeful as I am for a change that I desperately want, maybe He wants to grow me even more.  I have to say, before these last 10 months I was more of a pansy than I knew.  I only thought of God when I wanted to or when I needed Him.  I would say that my faith was a lot more circumstantial.  Now, I can notice a difference in myself.  Some good, some bad.  But, I know that there is a depth in here that was not there before.  I'm certain of that.  There is piece of this heart that is forever different than before.  And that is enough to quiet the doubts of today.  I still have questions.  And doubts.  I still want Him to show up.  But, I've also realized that I have been trying to will Him into my wants and my plans.  I don't think that is how it goes..

Was having a little mind wandering sesh today at work and these are on my mind..  Come on fall:)

Seasons

It's safe to say that I am ready for this season to be dunzo.  Bring on the fall.  For real.  Yesterday, I got my Tahoe back after almost four weeks.  On the way home it broke.  Same exact problem as before.  So I took it really really well.  Sike! Don't you know me at all??  Anyways, it is going back today.  Maybe someone will light it on fire for me.  I have not enjoyed this past season, but I have learned a whole hell of a lot.  More than I actually wanted to.  It has been a tough season, but I'm hoping the Lord has been working in it.  Especially in the places where I have felt or seen Him least.  He's been teaching me a lot about myself and my heart.  For which I am grateful.

That being said, I'm ready for a new season.  I'm ready to sleep with the windows open.  I'm ready for fall.  For dove and duck seasons.  I'm ready to ride around in my car(well maybe a different car) with the windows down.  I'm ready for fires.  For reading outside.  For writing outside. For plaids and flannels.  For college football.  For oysters and Fireball.  For late afternoon beach walks.  For jeans and boots.  I'm ready for a new season to bring new things:)  Bring on the fall!

Rewind

Saturday night is my 10 year high school reunion.  Yes, I can't believe it either.  10 years. Wow.  I can't  believe I left ol Wando that long ago.  My days at Wando were glorious.  I loved high school.  Probably more than I should have.  I mean, if I had the chance I would totally time travel back to junior year.  Junior and Senior year were the best years ever.  I seriously thought I was destined to be a character from Dawson's Creek and was walking on the streets of gold.. A little dramatic, but totally true.  I loved the old Wando, I loved my teachers and most importantly, it is where I made my best friends.  Today I was thinking about just how lucky I was to find such an incredible group of friends.  Everyone told me that you don't really stay friends with your high school friends and make better friends later.  I was devastated.  I was dreading going to college because I thought I would have to make all new friends..  Wrong.  I struck gold on both ends.  And now some of my high school friends are even friends with the college ones..  So I thought in honor of the reunion I would take a trip down memory lane...
Taking it back to 2003 favorites...
Car: Jeep (Rocky)
Food: Boulevard Diner.  Brkfst, lunch and dinner.  Duh
Movie: Now and then & Sixteen Candles
Shoes: Birkenstock..
Clothes: Wando soccer shirts and these terrible capris..
Worst thing I did: Stole some Zimas...
Worst regret: the bad hair cut...  gets me every time.
Favorite activity: Young Life
Highlights: Prom, Senior Cruise, Chick Fil A every Friday with many friends, bike rides in Creekside, sitting on Ru Ru's dock, pranking the boys, Young Life Camp, McCarthy coming to the Wando Cafeteria every week, football games, spirit week, riding around with everyone in my jeep.
Most thankful for: My friends:)

The best thing is that we really are actually still friends.  I love that we have all stayed in touch.  Super thankful for these people.  Here are a few more recent shots...

Thoughts

So I have been sitting in class this week.  It has nearly killed me, but I'm halfway done- so there's a positive.  I was also transported back to Algebra 1 today and slammed with my math anxiety... Math is just not for me.  But, alas, I must pass my exam.  So say some serious prayers.  Any ways.  I was sitting in class and my mind got to wandering.  I felt like I was wasting time sitting there, trying to memorize polish notation which I will probably never use again.  Story of my life.  But, I was thinking about a lot of things.  I was thinking about gifts. Now, I am more on the negative side and don't think I posses a huge amount of gifts, but I know that I can talk to people and I can occasionally write something good. My dream is to one day become a writer/author.  That and a woman fishing guide are my two fairy tale dreams.  Today, I thought, what am I waiting for?  I keep waiting for life events to line up perfectly and I would then sit at my computer and draft a bestseller on my first try.  Probably not going to happen.  But, I keep waiting.  I keep waiting for the perfect situation.  Chances are that there will not be a perfect situation for me to cough out a novel.  It's not going to be easy.  I think deep down I fear the commitment.  I fear the possible thought of rejection.  And I fear failing.  But, I also know that I don't want to waste a chance.  I don't want to waste a dream because I am scared of things that have not even happened yet.  I am tired of playing things out to the end, when the beginning has yet to even begin.  So what am I waiting for?  Inspiration?  Encouragement?  Time?  Affirmation?  Yes, but those shouldn't be deal killers.  So what if my book could stink.  So what if I don't have time.  I can make time.  I've had these thoughts for so long and I feel like today the Lord was trying to show me something different. Instead of looking at the why nots, look at the what ifs.  What if I just did it?  What if I put on my big girl pants and did this thing?  It is terrifying yet exhilarating at the same time.  I get so excited just thinking about it.  If you were here next to me I would wear your ears out about it.  I love this feeling. I can't even explain it.  I rarely let myself do this.  I absolutely love getting the creative juices flowing.  And boy are they flowing.  Wowzas.  I also thought- what if God gave me writing for a reason?  Surely I shouldn't waste it?  Right?  Right.  So its on.  The creative juices are flowing and I'm excited to see where they go.  Not saying I'll pop out a book any time soon, but maybe I'll get something in the works:)

Catch you later,
SRS

you are welcome

If you need a laugh, click here.  Sorry if I'm late to the game.

Get it on

Only the few and the proud know this little fact about me (now you will all know):  I love the song "let's get it on" by my good buddy Marvin Gaye.  Not for any weirdo reason- Trust me, I'm not getting it on or anything- but I just love the song and the music.  Sorry I'm not sorry.  So I happen to listen to it a lot in my office (I'm sure my office people think I am a freak).  So I'm standing in line for my beloved ice coffee at Starbucks this morning.  Just doing my normal thing and chit chatting with the coffee gods.  I get my coffee and go over to fix it up just how I like it.  Wouldn't you know ol Marvin comes on the speakers.  I guess I wasn't paying much attention, but according to an exact look a like of Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, I was getting my singing on.  Halfway through the song, Destiny's Child says "get it girl."  I then realize.  Shit.  I am singing "Lets get it on" fairly loudly in this here coffee shop.  Awesome.  It must have been pretty good because I got a few claps from some fans in line.  Needless to say, I am pretty sure that I can add that to my top 10 most embarrassing moments in time.  Ever. 

Workin it,
SRS

Hope

Today I saw love in person.  I saw love walked out.  Today was Ford's funeral.  There was a whole lot of love gathered at 10 o clock today.  And it was one of the most surreal yet sweetest things that I've ever seen.  I honestly still can't believe it.  Even just writing my scattered pointless thoughts on here are harder than normal.  I was standing in there during one of the songs (sitting with some old YL leaders) and I just lost it.  I was overwhelmed with grief, sadness and disappointment, but felt this overwhelming feeling of love.  Love for Ford and especially love for his family and friends.  He literally has sweetest family I have ever seen.  They are precious.  I thought about how if I am feeling this overwhelming love for Ford and the Henderson's, imagine how much love God has for Ford and for us.  Even though I am not currently feeling the love, I am hoping and trusting that it is there.  While I was standing there rain man was having a lot of thoughts.  I will only traumatize you with a couple.  I first thought about what I like to call a shit storm.  As of late, I have felt like life is a bit like a shit storm.  Excuse my French, but it is fitting.  I thought of my feelings while standing in that room listening to the hymns.  I thought about how sad I am.  How disappointed I am.  How mad I am.  How unsure I am.  How faithless I can actually be.  And I thought about how bad I want God to just show up.  I want Him to show up for me, for the Hendersons and for any of my people.  But, then I thought about how and why I came to know Ford.  I came to know Ford because of God.  I had the chance of being friends with Ford because of God.  God put me in YL and he brought Ford there and for that I am eternally thankful and grateful.  I was standing there looking at all of the people and I thought how sad this was, but then I thought no matter how awful this is, I am still so thankful that there is Hope.  And even though I am pretty much at the end of my own self I am going to keep hoping. 

  

light

Have you ever had a moment when you think back in time and realize how certain people remind you of a certain period of your life?  Then you feel like you can remember every single part of it like it was yesterday.  Yesterday, I found out that one of my favorite kids passed away.  His name was Ford.  Ford was one of the first kids I ever met when I became a Young Life/Wyld Life leader.  He was best friends with Mac and they were pretty much a package deal.  They pretty much adopted me:)  They don't know this, but they were also one of the reasons I LOVED being a Young Life leader.  If you know the two of them, then you know exactly what I am talking about.  Mischief, craziness and adventure were always linked to them and you were damn lucky if you got to be a part of it.  I kept thinking about how Mac and Ford used to call me Mother Goose... When I think of the two of them, I think of Meriwether and all of the fun that our little posse had.  I kept thinking of all of our trips to Windy Gap and the hilarious car/bus rides.  I loved going over to the McAdams house because I always knew the two of them would be up for anything.  Especially if it was fishing or food related:)  Yesterday, I was thinking about Ford and YL and I just realized how lucky I was to get to spend time with them.  How lucky I was to get to be a Young Life leader.  It was so special.  I realized how lucky we all are to get to have relationships and play a part in people's lives.  There are obviously no words that make any of this better or easier, but I keep going back to my prayer of the past few months. That God is in this.  And that somehow we would know this deep down.  In the midst of all of this hard stuff I also realized that God has put us here to love people and that we should love as hard and as best as we can.  After the last few days and definitely the last few months I've realized that it is very hard, but its what I want to do.  Love is the greatest gift we can give people and it is what we are called to do.  I am so thankful that I got to know and love Ford.  Love you bud.

 

(Ford as a Russian figure skater..)

Today I keep reading this verse over and over and it keeps giving hope.



Slapped

I actually picked up Jesus Calling today (closest thing to a Bible that has graced my hands in a while).   I wasn't loving today's, but happened to catch yesterday's and I think it was what I needed to read today. It basically reiterates Roman 8:38.  Nothing can separate us from God.  Nothing.  I will admit that I have been in a terrible mood this week.  Due to my car trying to kill me and missing Rob.  Plus life just gets tiring sometimes.  I actually decided that I had a black cloud of crap tailing me the past year... I know, I know.  I do not believe that, but I did stoop a little low this week.  Sometimes I just have to vent.  Jesus Calling says, "In the midst of adverse circumstances, people tend to feel that love has been withdrawn and they have been forsaken."  I'm not saying I feel forsaken, but sometimes you can feel a little run down.  Or bitch slapped by life.. You pick.  I'm going with bitch slapped.  It's hard to keep your eyes on Christ and your heart in the right place when you don't feel it.  I am not exactly sure what "it" is.  My problem is that I sometimes will just deal.  I take it all in, but don't necessarily let it out.  And when it does come out... RUN.  No for real, get out of the way...  I always have all of these thoughts and expectations.  When they don't get met, I either turn to rely on myself or keep it all in.  When I keep it all in, the thoughts usually become negative and you know how the story goes.  So where am I today?  I did a little self evaluating and have come to this conclusion.  Lately, I haven't felt close to God.  Mostly because of my own self.  I also feel like I can't usually explain properly my thoughts and that sometimes makes it hard to get them out.  And then I feel like a freak..  Yada yada yada.  But, today I am praying that I operate in peace.  That I trust He is with me.  I pray that I know nothing can separate and that all will work out or be alright.  I pray against worry.  I have been a gold medalist in the worry department, but I'm hoping that I medal in something else.  I also pray that one day, my thought patterns/processing patterns/habits change.  That I go straight to the Lord.  (miracles happen..)  My greatest prayer is that I know His presence and that I will operate from a state of peace.  Praying this for you too:)

Romans 8:38-39

New International Version (NIV)

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

^{And I think I'm going to look forward to this:}