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Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Circumstance

Today has been no less than trying.  I'd like to say other words, but some really sweet people read this blog and I don't want to teach them any bad words.  I should have known this was coming.  In yesterday's blog I mentioned that each day is still incredibly hard and we all miss Rob.  So I guess in a way, since the Live Like Rob party has passed, the reality of what has happened is really setting in.  And that is HARD.  The thing that is hardest for me is that I just flat out miss the boy.  I miss everything about him. 

Also today, my brakes went out.  Like, there were none.  Luckily, Herb was driving and he coasted my car into a lovely parking lot.  We went back to investigate the scene of the crime a few hours ago and there was brake fluid everywhere.  Awesome.  Merry Christmas to me. So we unloaded the car of all weapons, fly rods and valuables so it can be towed all the way back to Mt. Pleasant.   I'll also add that it does the death shake at 50mph because we are waiting on a new transfer case.  I absolutely love being an adult...

Needless to say, I have been a crank pot today.  I'm also a Debbie downer at times.  Debbie sure came to visit...  I jumped from bad to terrible pretty quickly.  Luckily, I have been aware of how I operate lately and didn't completely lose it.  Until I was unloading my car.  But, that's neither here nor there. 

I've been trying to learn how to learn something from circumstance.  Whether its good or its bad there is most likely something to be learned.  Even if you are sick and tired of learning...  I've been learning a lot and I hope to share what I've been learning, but I will keep it short for today.  Today's nugget of learning consists of expectation.  I keep putting expectations on grief and life.  I keep waiting for it to all become stable.  I am slowly realizing that I could be waiting forever.  One day I feel like its all good and then the next its back to ground zero.  Unfortunately, the above circumstances don't operate on my timetable.  I have to keep realizing over and over that I am not in control.  And I won't ever be.  I have to learn to be in circumstance.  Whether good or bad.  I have to keep re learning how to trust.  How to be faithful.  How to keep moving forward.  I so wanted to light my car on fire today, but I didn't.  I didn't let myself go there.  Which is a miracle.  Which also leads me to believe that maybe I am learning.  Just a tid bit..

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