Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Funny the way it is

Yesterday I got the chance to write my 2nd blog for the Mt. Pleasant Patch.  You can read it here if you would like.  I got on a little inspirational positive rant while writing it.  Here is the funny part.  Just this morning (less than 24 hours since writing) I fell prey to what I was advising others against.  Yeah, yeah.  Down went Sarah.  It came out of no where and I bit into it hook, line and sinker. 

I'm thinking this came on the heels of a little disappointment.  If you remember, last year I wanted to buy a house and found out I had no credit bc my credit wasn't reporting to my social security number and I had no debt.. Who would think that would be bad?  Yada, yada, yada.  Any who.  It has taken about a year to get it all worked out.  I hope to never, ever repeat that process...  This week I happened upon a tiny little fixer upper and took a shot at it.  Literally, as I was making an offer, the house was removed from the market.  Just my luck.  But, I made an offer any ways and it was a no go.  In a weird way I actually felt relieved.  Moving/buying a house is utterly terrifying to me.  Probably because I see things go south everyday at work and dread that ever happening to me.  But, this morning when I read the rejection email, my mind started racing (which is also terrifying).  All of the thoughts that I always bury down kept popping right up.  This right here is my weakness.  One negative/worrisome thought gets in and I play it all the way out to its doomed end.  Why do I do this? I have no idea.  In fact, I try to advise others not to do this, and I am in fact the absolute worst culprit of all.  I don't know if this happens to any body else- if it does, speak up so I know I'm not going crazy.  But, once I let one thought in, my insecurities and rain man go berserk.  I will go from one thought to the next.  For instance here is today's thought process.  it's scary.  Wear your seat belt.
I read this morning's rejection email
I felt relief.  And then severe insecurity/anxiousness
I may never get a house.
I'm doomed.
If I don't get a house, I will be the only one of my friends living on the third floor (currently love the third floor- take no offense.  I just don't want to be 45 living on the third floor)
Everyone else has a house.  Or is married.  Or is popping out babies.  Or is saving the world. 
I'll be single.  On the third floor. With no house.  Like a woman hobbit. Not saving the world.  And hopefully not popping out babies.
Enter in total and complete self comparison.
Self comparison leads to worry.
Worry is the pits.  This is something I have really been trying to work on.  I haven't made too much progress, but I'm trying.  Slowly, but surely.  I saw a quote the other day in the mountains and I think it was definitely for me.

"Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of it's sorrows, it empties today of it's strength."

Dang.  That is a good word.  It's totally true.  I have lost oodles of hours of sleep because of worry.  What if I could stop worrying about things that I have no control over?  What if I didn't write the end before the beginning has even started?  What if I learned to trust?  And lastly, what if I gave up control?  Yeah..  Got a lot to work on over here. See ya never..

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