Disclaimer: Below are my thoughts. They are not always pretty. But, they are real and they are mine. So read at your own risk.
Friday we had the first annual Live Like Rob. It was awesome. It's crazy that the party has come and gone. We spent so much time preparing and boom it's over. It really was a great night. It's amazing to have a venue packed full of people who loved one man. Plus, I haven't met a beer or a dance floor that I have not liked.
The few days before the party and these two after I have spent doing a lot of thinking. I was on a party high, but kind of crashed and burned tonight. I may be crazy, but I have felt two incredibly opposite emotions in the same moment/experience. Live Like Rob has been the most bittersweet thing that I have ever experienced. It's an incredible way to honor our boy, but for such a hard reason.
I am honestly still having the hardest time taking it all in. The realness of losing our friend still baffles me every single day. You almost feel crazy because you for sure know what has happened, but this little piece of your heart still can't take it in. You almost don't want to take it in. My head and my heart once again, find a disconnect. To be brutally honest, it still is a terrible shock most days when I think about him. It happens all over again. I hate it. For me, it's almost been harder as time passes because I feel like he gets further away. And that absolutely terrifies me. I don't want him to get any further away. I could slash want to talk about him every day, but wonder if that's okay or if I shouldn't. I think about him all of the time. He still feels so alive to me. I mean, I don't know how to do this. Just when I think I've got my shiz together, I'm surprised by the fact that I ABSOLUTELY do not. Not even close. I still have so many questions. I'm still waiting on answers. I'm still somewhat pissed. I just wish that I could call him. Just to tell him how much he is loved. But, I can't. And that breaks my heart.
But, even though I don't have all of the answers or the re assurance that I would like and or need, there are a few things that make this a little bit easier, and that is worth the world to me. Like I've said before, as mad and sad and hopeless as I have felt, I've felt this unexplainable safe feeling. This feeling that the Lord has Rob. And that the Lord has us. I do not have the slightest idea how that works because I 50% want to sucker punch Jesus, and I 50% want to crawl in his lap and cry. How do you have doubts and anger and then love at the same time? I feel like the Lord has given me room to test my own self. He has given me freedom. To test my emotions. To test my faith. To test my own heart. I've never, ever let any of it fully go before losing our boy. Until all of this, I had a very controlled faith. Controlled vulnerability . I never really needed God. I always knew deep down, that if God didn't pull through, I could figure it out. I'm tough... I was ultimately in control one way or another. Well, I'm unfortunately here to tell you that is not exactly the case anymore. It's clear that I am not and should not be in control. I finally let my guard down, and it was terrible. But a good kind of terrible. I guess I've had some serious growing pains. But so very necessary. Having all of these doubts and questions have weirdly made me more trusting. I think my faith has actually grown. As mad and pissed as I get, I know that He has me. And he won't let me go. And there is no better feeling.
I've also never been more thankful. I've never been more thankful than to have known Rob. To have gotten to hear his hilarious stories, ridiculous thoughts and hear that laugh. Words just cannot express it. I've also never been more thankful to have gotten to be a part of something so special. To get to work at something with other people who knew him and loved him. I was standing in the middle of the party thinking how incredible it was. All of these people loved our boy. Even having friends come that never got the gift of knowing him, but they wanted to support him. It really is incredible.
So here is the bottom line. For me. I miss him every single dang day. I wish I could have done more. I wish that I could have loved him better. I wish that I knew the answers to all of my questions. I wish that my faith was stronger. But its not. But hopefully it's getting there. Every day I feel like the Lord is showing me something. Rob was a true hero in my heart. He was tougher than I ever knew. He had a huge heart. He was a fighter. He ran the race better than I could ever imagine. He loved many and he loved well. Friday night was a true testament to how loved he is. I have to keep reminding myself of his courage and his heart. He had CF, but CF never had him. He was a warrior. Rob, is who I want to learn from. Rob is who I want to always remember. I pray for his courage and for his will. I pray that I would learn to live like he did. I pray to love like he did. I pray that he would forever be in our hearts. I can't wait until next year:)
Miss you brother.
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