Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Mum's the word

So, here I am.  Lying here in the dark, trying to fall asleep.  Alas, I cannot.  I have the most random of thoughts racing through my mind from many conversations of the day.  I also just saw The Great Gatsby.  I never read the book.  Talk about depressing.  I can't even get into what I really think (the rain man thoughts would likely run you off).  Unfortunately, when my mind gets to racing, it goes for a while.  I started thinking about the last few months and all that has entailed.  I feel like they have lasted forever, yet they have gone by so fast (how does that work?)  I opened my computer and the first thing that came on spotify was Mumford and Sons.  Actually the next four songs were Mumford and Sons.  That sucker was on shuffle too.  I hate to admit this, but then I just kind of started tearing up.  I'm aware this is weird.  Or a little sad...  But, anytime I hear Mumford & Sons, I immediately think of Rob.  When I found out my friend passed away, I literally did not know what to do.  Time stopped.  I found myself plastered to a couch with no chance of moving.  My brain was just fried.  Luckily, my friend found a Mumford & Sons concert on tv.  And there we sat.  Just watching it.  I think I had snot caked on my face and what not (You are welcome for the visual)  I liked them before, but they got me on this day.  I LOVE music anyways, but every word hit me.  It was the most therapeutic two hours of my life..  Now every single time I hear Marcus Mumford, I think of Rob.   I think of who he was.  I think of the fun I got to have with him.  It makes me miss him.  Dearly.  It makes me think of all of the things that I want to tell him.  But, I can't.  It makes me sad yet hopeful at the same time.  Tonight I came across this:

I like these words.  I like that they are not just rhyming words.  They mean something.  They are a reminder to me.  Of my friend.  For a really long time I thought that as the days advanced it would just naturally be easier.  That it wouldn't seem as bad.  It's not quite how I imagined it.  It definitely has not been easier, but it has been different.  My life has in fact been different than before.  I've uncovered and gotten familiar with some weaknesses.  But, I've also become hopeful.  I've been challenged. I've been loved and encouraged.

Rob has encouraged me to figure out where to invest.  What's important?  Where can I love?  Where can I be loved?  What kind of legacy do I want to invest in?  I've come to understand that it's about relationship.  We are called to be in relationships with one another.  We are called to love each other.  Invest our love.  Invest our lives.  What if that's what we did?  I hope you do not think I'm crazy.  I'm just kind of fascinated by this. 
What if we had no fear?  What if we just had grace in our hearts?  What if we loved with no fear?  What if we stepped into who God calls us to be and do what God calls us to do?  
Don't get me wrong.  I still have questions.  I just don't know how to ask them.  Or who to ask.  I still have doubts.  But, like I've said before, I still have this hope.  This hope that doesn't seem to leave.  This hope that, deep down, makes it all ok.  It's late and I'm tired.  Not sure this all makes sense, but here you go anyways...

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