A little Debrief

This past weekend was the St. Andrew's Women's Retreat in Hilton Head.  I always really look forward to this weekend.  I was a bit more excited this time because I got to be on the worship team this time around.  Secret:  I have always wanted to be on the worship team.  We cruised on down there early Friday morning.  I knew the weekend would be good because I got to start it with Ros, Rennie and Beth.  We got there and immediately got to work getting things ready for all the women that were going to be invading the hotel later. It's really funny- this weekend blew by and I am having a really hard time remembering parts of it..

Friday night Dwight spoke and we had some soaking prayer.  After it was over we had a little bit of soaking prayer.  Then I headed up to put on my pajamas and "roam" the halls as Ros says.  Saturday morning came way to early with worship practice and out day began.  It went by so fast.  Becky spoke in the am and it was awesome.  This weekends theme was about Identity. Then we had prophetic appointments which were so fun!  It's so funny how I know get to be a part of something that used to freak me out so much. We have come full circle people.  Big time.  I found myself hanging in the hallway singing rap songs with some of my favorite people in my opera voice for much of our afternoon free time... Then Saturday night came and Dwight spoke again. He did really good.  I think it was really cool how we all learned something about him that is very real.  I think it gave people freedom to step out.  We then had a really cool prayer time.  While we were praying, Becky read some words out over everyone.  One of them resonated with me.  But of course I just stayed posted up in my position.  I wasn't really dying to go up there and get some prayer because not too much was going on.   But while I was standing there praying by myself, I told myself that I needed some kind of sign or something if that was for me. (I like to be sure before I do anything drastic... or I'm a chicken.)   So I'm standing there with my eyes closed and could tell someone was next to me.  So I peeked.  It was Aunt Martha.  (She didn't really know all of this was going around in my head at the time).  So she is standing next to me. I didn't really know if I was supposed to talk or not- so I remained silent.  Pretended to be super spiritual and pray.  So some minutes go by and she whispers, "I think you need to go get prayer up there."  Dang it. I guess that was my sign.  So up I went.  It was really sweet. The lady that ended up praying for me prayed almost the exact thing that I had written in my journal moments before.  That is always a pretty cool confirmation.  I also stayed and got some prayer for one of the words read aloud.  It was about having dreams.  I kind of realized that I hadn't really vocalized or thought about any dreams or aspirations lately because I didn't think that I could make things happen or what not.  Insert my fear of failure here.  I always realize things at the funniest times.  I mean, why don't I try to take more pictures?  Or write more?  Because I kill the idea before I even allow myself to process it.  So I've decided to at least let the idea move to the processing department before I pass judgement on it.  I also realized that for some reason- I never believe people when they tell me I'm good at something.  Or I brush it up to luck.  What's the harm in receiving a compliment??  Who knows? But, this is not the big stuff that I took home from the weekend.

Late Friday night, I went back to the room to put on my pj's and roam the halls.  I was first going down with my roomie to visit some sweet friends.  We hung for a while and then I left to go grab something from the other room and plan out my other stops for the night.  When I was on the elevator I accidentally did some hard thinking.  Why do I need to go by like 345 rooms tonight?  Why not just hang where I am?  It's too tiring to go place to place.  What am I really going to miss if I don't stop by the big party suite?  Then I realized that I was becoming the exact opposite of how I used to be.  I used to mingle with the best of them.  Room to room.  Always felt like I was going to miss something.  Constantly wanting to hang with "my" people.  While on the elevator I realized that I didn't really know who "my" people were.  (This is not in a sad and depressing way.)  (More of a I am secure in myself and God and it's ok to just be where I want to be.)  So when I walked into the party room full of people, I lasted about 3 minutes and retreated.  It's going to be okay if I go back to hang with just a few people.  (To you- this seems simple.  But it just took me a looooong time to figure this out...ha)  You see, all year I have been trying to figure out just who I am.  Not to get to deep here, but lots of things have been changing.  I used to always want to be with lots of people.  The more chaos, the better. Now not so much.  My introverted side is shining through.  Most people don't understand that because they think that it's really easy for me to be with lots of people and be funny and confident and what not.  What they don't know is that I am extremely insecure and funniness slash good with people is a defense mechanism that I have that works really good. No lie. I am really lucky because its a defense mechanism that usually works out pretty well for me and most people don't know that I am an introverted nerd.  Ha ha.  So I decided right then and there that I am going to try and walk more on my real side than on the funny side.  I also realized something else this weekend.  There is this thing that people say when I talk to them that I have a really, really hard time with.  Disclaimer: If you have said it, fret not.  This isn't really directed at you.  It's more for me.  And I am totally fine with it.  Sometimes it makes me laugh.  Please don't feel bad and never talk to me again or something.  With some people it's a funny joke between the two of us so fear not.  So I am a relational person.  I like people a lot and happen to have a lot of really great friends.  But something happens to me when someone tells me that I know everyone or that I have a million friends.  It used to never bother me.  In fact it used to do the exact opposite.  I think I actually took pride in it.  I don't know if something hit me this weekend or what, but it really got my attention.  I think that I put this expectation on myself that I was supposed to be like that.  Like I needed to get some kind of value out of that.  Well I definitely do not feel that way now.  I mean there were times this weekend that I definitely did not feel that way.  And it was really good for me.  I got to be with myself a lot this weekend.  And it was GOOD.   (There is a chance that this is making no sense whatsoever. Sorry.) 

Moving on.  The last thing that I am going to share is really cool.  To me.  Every time I got on that dang stage to do worship I got extremely emotional.  You probably saw me crying and wondered what the heck was wrong with me.  Well music really gets to me.  And when you are up on that stage it is a whole different perspective.  Getting to be a part of that was awesome.  I can't even explain it.  4 years ago I went on my first St. Andrew's women's retreat.  I was blown away in so many ways.  But while I was there on that first retreat, I prayed and wrote in my journal that maybe one day I could work hard and get to play on the worship team.  I prayed that prayer for a good while and eventually I just kind of forgot it.  Well on Sunday morning while we were playing, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  There I was.  Getting to be on the team and playing at the retreat.  Hello???  I do believe that is an answered prayer.  Right about this time we went into the chorus of my romance which is "Unto you be all the glory."  I sang those words with my whole heart yesterday.  I just started crying and there was no way to stop it.  It was such a happy cry though.  I just got to have this moment with the Holy Spirit that was awesome.  So if you saw me with the trembling lip- now you know why. It was really really cool. 

So there you have it.  It was a good weekend.  It went by way too fast.  And now I'm a little sad that it's over.  Now I need a nap.

Peace and blessings.