Circumstance

Today has been no less than trying.  I'd like to say other words, but some really sweet people read this blog and I don't want to teach them any bad words.  I should have known this was coming.  In yesterday's blog I mentioned that each day is still incredibly hard and we all miss Rob.  So I guess in a way, since the Live Like Rob party has passed, the reality of what has happened is really setting in.  And that is HARD.  The thing that is hardest for me is that I just flat out miss the boy.  I miss everything about him. 

Also today, my brakes went out.  Like, there were none.  Luckily, Herb was driving and he coasted my car into a lovely parking lot.  We went back to investigate the scene of the crime a few hours ago and there was brake fluid everywhere.  Awesome.  Merry Christmas to me. So we unloaded the car of all weapons, fly rods and valuables so it can be towed all the way back to Mt. Pleasant.   I'll also add that it does the death shake at 50mph because we are waiting on a new transfer case.  I absolutely love being an adult...

Needless to say, I have been a crank pot today.  I'm also a Debbie downer at times.  Debbie sure came to visit...  I jumped from bad to terrible pretty quickly.  Luckily, I have been aware of how I operate lately and didn't completely lose it.  Until I was unloading my car.  But, that's neither here nor there. 

I've been trying to learn how to learn something from circumstance.  Whether its good or its bad there is most likely something to be learned.  Even if you are sick and tired of learning...  I've been learning a lot and I hope to share what I've been learning, but I will keep it short for today.  Today's nugget of learning consists of expectation.  I keep putting expectations on grief and life.  I keep waiting for it to all become stable.  I am slowly realizing that I could be waiting forever.  One day I feel like its all good and then the next its back to ground zero.  Unfortunately, the above circumstances don't operate on my timetable.  I have to keep realizing over and over that I am not in control.  And I won't ever be.  I have to learn to be in circumstance.  Whether good or bad.  I have to keep re learning how to trust.  How to be faithful.  How to keep moving forward.  I so wanted to light my car on fire today, but I didn't.  I didn't let myself go there.  Which is a miracle.  Which also leads me to believe that maybe I am learning.  Just a tid bit..

Live Like Rob

Disclaimer:  Below are my thoughts.  They are not always pretty.  But, they are real and they are mine. So read at your own risk.

Friday we had the first annual Live Like Rob.  It was awesome.  It's crazy that the party has come and gone.  We spent so much time preparing and boom it's over.  It really was a great night.  It's amazing to have a venue packed full of people who loved one man.  Plus, I haven't met a beer or a dance floor that I have not liked.

The few days before the party and these two after I have spent doing a lot of thinking.  I was on a party high, but kind of crashed and burned tonight.  I may be crazy, but I have felt two incredibly opposite emotions in the same moment/experience.  Live Like Rob has been the most bittersweet thing that I have ever experienced.  It's an incredible way to honor our boy, but for such a hard reason.

I am honestly still having the hardest time taking it all in.  The realness of losing our friend still baffles me every single day.  You almost feel crazy because you for sure know what has happened, but this little piece of your heart still can't take it in.  You almost don't want to take it in.  My head and my heart once again, find a disconnect.  To be brutally honest, it still is a terrible shock most days when I think about him.  It happens all over again.  I hate it.  For me, it's almost been harder as time passes because I feel like he gets further away.  And that absolutely terrifies me.  I don't want him to get any further away.  I could slash want to talk about him every day, but wonder if that's okay or if I shouldn't.  I think about him all of the time.  He still feels so alive to me.  I mean, I don't know how to do this.  Just when I think I've got my shiz together, I'm surprised by the fact that I ABSOLUTELY do not.  Not even close.  I still have so many questions.  I'm still waiting on answers.  I'm still somewhat pissed.  I just wish that I could call him.  Just to tell him how much he is loved.  But, I can't.  And that breaks my heart.

But, even though I don't have all of the answers or the re assurance that I would like and or need, there are a few things that make this a little bit easier, and that is worth the world to me.  Like I've said before, as mad and sad and hopeless as I have felt, I've felt this unexplainable safe feeling.  This feeling that the Lord has Rob.  And that the Lord has us.  I do not have the slightest idea how that works because I 50% want to sucker punch Jesus, and I 50% want to crawl in his lap and cry.  How do you have doubts and anger and then love at the same time?  I feel like the Lord has given me room to test my own self.  He has given me freedom.  To test my emotions.  To test my faith.  To test my own heart.  I've never, ever let any of it fully go before losing our boy.  Until all of this, I had a very controlled faith.  Controlled vulnerability  .  I never really needed God.  I always knew deep down, that if God didn't pull through, I could figure it out.  I'm tough...  I was ultimately in control one way or another.  Well, I'm unfortunately here to tell you that is not exactly the case anymore.  It's clear that I am not and should not be in control.  I finally let my guard down, and it was terrible.  But a good kind of terrible.  I guess I've had some serious growing pains.  But so very necessary.  Having all of these doubts and questions have weirdly made me more trusting.  I think my faith has actually grown.  As mad and pissed as I get, I know that He has me.  And he won't let me go.  And there is no better feeling.

I've also never been more thankful.  I've never been more thankful than to have known Rob.  To have gotten to hear his hilarious stories, ridiculous thoughts and hear that laugh.  Words just cannot express it.  I've also never been more thankful to have gotten to be a part of something so special.  To get to work at something with other people who knew him and loved him.  I was standing in the middle of the party thinking how incredible it was.  All of these people loved our boy.  Even having friends come that never got the gift of knowing him, but they wanted to support him.  It really is incredible.

So here is the bottom line.  For me.  I miss him every single dang day.  I wish I could have done more.  I wish that I could have loved him better.  I wish that I knew the answers to all of my questions.  I wish that my faith was stronger.  But its not.  But hopefully it's getting there.  Every day I feel like the Lord is showing me something.  Rob was a true hero in my heart.  He was tougher than I ever knew.  He had a huge heart.   He was a fighter.  He ran the race better than I could ever imagine.  He loved many and he loved well.  Friday night was a true testament to how loved he is.  I have to keep reminding myself of his courage and his heart.  He had CF, but CF never had him.  He was a warrior.  Rob, is who I want to learn from.  Rob is who I want to always remember.  I pray for his courage and for his will.  I pray that I would learn to live like he did.  I pray to love like he did.  I pray that he would forever be in our hearts.  I can't wait until next year:)

Miss you brother.

The head and the heart

I had a little Ah ha moment the other day. To be quite honest, it was actually rather large.  And I think I pretty much shocked myself in disbelief.  I was talking/praying with a friend and something was said (that I have probably heard 1 million billion times), but for some reason struck the biggest chord. She mentioned being made by God.  I know, this seems incredibly basic, but something hit me.  Are you ready for this?  I, like you, was made by God.  I have no idea how I have made it this far with out fully thinking about this.  I can't tell you how many times I have told a young life kid or friend that they are precious in God's eye's because they are one of His.  Or that he knows every hair on their head.  All because he made them.  Not once did it ever cross my mind to say the same things to myself.  And I don't know if I'd ever heard it directed at my own self.  But, just the other night, sitting on a couch-not on some spiritual high, I felt like I heard it for the first time.  And I honestly am kind of flabbergasted by it.  I just wanted to cry after that.  Me?  really?  It's easy to think about God creating babies and such, but when you are 27, it's like you have to re learn something (or at least I do).  I know there are things that I don't get or fully believe yet, but I can't even comprehend what it will be like to fully grasp/feel and know how much God loves me.  And you:)

I have the ol dilemma I like to call the head and the heart.  I read a lot.  And learn a lot.  And process a lot.  I know so many things in my head.  Too many things.  But I don't always know them in my heart.  And as weird as it is, I'm okay with that.  Okay in that I am praying for more.  Asking for more.  I'm not sure why exactly I'm putting all of this out here, but I just feel like I'm supposed to.  It's easy (for me) to fall into my own insecurities (which are many) and doubts.  I can't tell you how many times I've listened to every single voice, but God's and I've seen what that does.  It's never good.  But, something hit me the other night.  We are all children of God.  No matter how young or old we are.  It doesn't matter.  I've just never let that sink in until now.  I wish I didn't have insecurities or doubt.  I wish I didn't second myself.  I wish I didn't feel like I need to get my ducks in a row to be a "real" child of God.  But, I do.  But, now I feel like something has changed.  I hope something has changed.  Now even more, I pray to know the full love of God.  To know he has me.  That He wants to have me.  And that my friends is what I pray for you.  For you and me, I pray that we know we are children of God.  That we know God is for us, always.  I pray that we would come to know the fullness of God and the fullness of his love.  I pray that we will have eyes to see and ears to hear the one voice.  I pray for each of our hearts.  For our thoughts and dreams.  I pray that we would know God's presence like never before.  I truly can't wait for the day that I know like I know.  That I have it in the head and in the heart!

Psalm 139:
or you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

Funny the way it is

Yesterday I got the chance to write my 2nd blog for the Mt. Pleasant Patch.  You can read it here if you would like.  I got on a little inspirational positive rant while writing it.  Here is the funny part.  Just this morning (less than 24 hours since writing) I fell prey to what I was advising others against.  Yeah, yeah.  Down went Sarah.  It came out of no where and I bit into it hook, line and sinker. 

I'm thinking this came on the heels of a little disappointment.  If you remember, last year I wanted to buy a house and found out I had no credit bc my credit wasn't reporting to my social security number and I had no debt.. Who would think that would be bad?  Yada, yada, yada.  Any who.  It has taken about a year to get it all worked out.  I hope to never, ever repeat that process...  This week I happened upon a tiny little fixer upper and took a shot at it.  Literally, as I was making an offer, the house was removed from the market.  Just my luck.  But, I made an offer any ways and it was a no go.  In a weird way I actually felt relieved.  Moving/buying a house is utterly terrifying to me.  Probably because I see things go south everyday at work and dread that ever happening to me.  But, this morning when I read the rejection email, my mind started racing (which is also terrifying).  All of the thoughts that I always bury down kept popping right up.  This right here is my weakness.  One negative/worrisome thought gets in and I play it all the way out to its doomed end.  Why do I do this? I have no idea.  In fact, I try to advise others not to do this, and I am in fact the absolute worst culprit of all.  I don't know if this happens to any body else- if it does, speak up so I know I'm not going crazy.  But, once I let one thought in, my insecurities and rain man go berserk.  I will go from one thought to the next.  For instance here is today's thought process.  it's scary.  Wear your seat belt.
I read this morning's rejection email
I felt relief.  And then severe insecurity/anxiousness
I may never get a house.
I'm doomed.
If I don't get a house, I will be the only one of my friends living on the third floor (currently love the third floor- take no offense.  I just don't want to be 45 living on the third floor)
Everyone else has a house.  Or is married.  Or is popping out babies.  Or is saving the world. 
I'll be single.  On the third floor. With no house.  Like a woman hobbit. Not saving the world.  And hopefully not popping out babies.
Enter in total and complete self comparison.
Self comparison leads to worry.
Worry is the pits.  This is something I have really been trying to work on.  I haven't made too much progress, but I'm trying.  Slowly, but surely.  I saw a quote the other day in the mountains and I think it was definitely for me.

"Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of it's sorrows, it empties today of it's strength."

Dang.  That is a good word.  It's totally true.  I have lost oodles of hours of sleep because of worry.  What if I could stop worrying about things that I have no control over?  What if I didn't write the end before the beginning has even started?  What if I learned to trust?  And lastly, what if I gave up control?  Yeah..  Got a lot to work on over here. See ya never..

Confession

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. 

-Brene Brown 

 

 

This is a quote from a woman that I admire.  Brene Brown.  You should definitely check her out HERE.  I like her because she is all about getting real.  But, not in a scary, tell me all of your secrets or let me read your journal way.  She approaches vulnerability through relationships.  I know I've said this many times before, but I think vulnerability is the key to many things.  Relationships.  Friendships.  Self love.  Discovery.  And more.  Over the years I can tell that it has become easier for me to be vulnerable.  I almost can't even do small talk anymore.. But, as I have become more vulnerable, I've realized that I tend to have a controlled vulnerability.  What is that you ask?  I'm no doctor, but for the most part I can share a good amount, but I tend to hold on to a couple of things.  I like to think this is good (and I think sometimes it is), but I also realized that I hold onto those things with God too.  Which is not so good. But, weirdly, when I do not hold onto these things I do feel uncomfortable.  Extremely uncomfortable.  But, I also feel strong.  And a pinch of courageous.  And it makes me better.  Better as a person, better as a friend and better as a daughter of the king.  We were made for relationship.  Or at least I was.  We can't be in relationship if we aren't being ourselves and sharing our hearts.  I'm the first to admit that this is NOT easy.  I'm the worst culprit.  CONFESSION: I let someone in a little and then they think that's all I needed to share and then I roll out (sharing wise).  I am hereby ratting myself out.  But, I am also working on this.  Daily.  It's a struggle, but it's worth it to me.  Find people you can talk to.  It's important.  So there you have it.  Praying that you will have truth & courage.  And a good friend.  

 

 

Dream weaver

I keep hearing the lovely lyrics of Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver."  I know.  I am a little before my time here.  And maybe slightly cheesy.  But I like a little cheese now and again.  I had lunch with a dear friend yesterday and it was really great.  You know the kind of lunch where you drop the person off and then you are just really excited?  No?  You need to look for some more friends.. Or not. Your choice.  Any who.  I have been feeling this little feeling a little more than normal.  It's like an excited/nervous/but, serious potential type feeling.  Weird description I know.  Last night, as I was willing myself to sleep (I am trying to stay off the ol meds..), I realized why I had that feeling with certain people.  And here is why.  Dreams.  Not the sleep kind.  More like the "If you could do anything you wanted tomorrow, what would you do type dreams."  I like these kind.  Mostly, because I have several very encouraging friends.  Not the "Oh that new top looks really good on you" (well, actually I do have fashion advisor friends), but more of the "You want to write a book? DO IT.  How can we help?  you want to travel the world?  Go."  Yes, these are the dreamer friends.  The friends that help spark something that you may have second guessed in yourself.  Even if you are terrified/nervous/nauseous they help you get right on past that lion in the road.  I love when people are just flat out for you.  I don't like mixed signals.  Or drama.  Or when someone makes you second guess your self.  No.  Not for me.  I can do enough of that on my own.  Here is what I like: I like good talks.  Quality time.  Inspiring words.  I like knowing that someone is going to bat for me no matter what.  I like stories.  I like to listen to stories.  And we all know I like to tell stories.  Nothing is more entertaining than painting a picture with words.  I love listening to ideas or dreams that friends have.  Probably because I could totally see it happening.  I would give anything to see people live into what's really in their hearts.  I feel like we all have this little piece of us that we don't let out too often.  Maybe we don't believe it's possible?  Maybe we don't believe enough in ourselves?  Maybe we don't make time to dream?  I LOVE sharing something with someone and then seeing their eyes light up.  That's when you can tell that they get it. They are for you.  Goodness.  Pure dream weaving goodness right there.  I think it's what life's all about.  You in?

In the words of my dear friends and or future husbands, the Avett Bros:

 

Play me some mountain music

I may have just had the most relaxing weekend of my life.  There are many reasons, but I will spare you and only share a few.  Here goes:

I got to sleep in this room.  NEVER have I ever slept better.  Windows open.  River rushing.  I read two entire books in this precious lil room.  

 Plus, every morning little heads popped in to see if I was awake:)

We had an awesome jam sesh in this living room:)

 Guitar, Stella and good talks on the porch=my most favorite thing ever

 My redneck dreams are now complete.  We party barged on Lake Glenville.

 And it was AWESOME

 The above pic keeps making me smile. and laugh.  #lakelife

 Breakfast for dinner is always a winner.  Or anything with bacon wins in my book..

 Pretty much sums up our friendship...

 Love these people

 He was stuck with the girls all weekend..

 My urban graffiti side came out..

 Love these two

Did I mention the weather??  In the 60's.

 VA and I discovered ENO twinkle lights:)

 Like lil peas in a pod

 loved the fly shop

 Some mountains

 Sunset Rock

The women folk

Fav pic of the trip:)

I don't think I have ever been so relaxed.  Awesome abode, amazing travel buddies, long sleeve shirt weather and hanging out.  Could not have been better.  I think I was born to summer in the mountains...  Yeah, going to have to work on that:)  Feeling super thankful.

Guess What?

It's SUMMER!!!

Heart

I love this little quote.  It got me thinking.  I'm completely and 100% a relationship person.  Relationships keep me going.  Plus I thoroughly enjoy them.  Maybe not the strenuous ones, but you get my point.  Lately, I've been simplifying.  Internally (scary I know).  I've been doing some self analyzing.  Trying to figure out what is important.  To me.  Many things have come up, but the one that kept re appearing is relationships.  Being with people.  Doing life with people.  What trickles down out of relationships is friendship.  Fellowship.  Kindness.  Grace and truth.  Trust.  And to me, that all is a form of love.  And that's what I like to fill the ol heart with.  So there you have it.  Find what you need.  Find what you love.  And fill your heart to the brim.

 

Happy Fourth of July to each of you.