Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Shopping for Jesus goods

Today I had to go to The Mecca of Christian goods for the first time.  I think I just got queasy saying it. This place is like the Jesus version of Michael's.  And we all know how I feel about Michael's. Anxiety/craft/old people overload.  But, I had good reason to go, so I went.  Into the doors of Christian paraphernalia I went.  I should have turned around when I saw the thanksgiving Jesus decorations.  I made my way through the "home goods" section and headed to the back.  I was trying to find a bible.  Dear Lord.  I didn't even know that there were that many choices for bibles. 
 I haven't even heard of some of the different types.  Holman Christian Standard??  Amplified?  Amplify what?  Bibles were EVERYWHERE.  I panicked.  Too many choices.  Plus little lady on the headset kept hovering back and forth which caused me to have decision anxiety.  It literally took me more than 30 minutes to pick out a bible.  I was having hot flashes.  Too many Bibles up in here...
They even have Bibles for Rednecks.  This one is for Honey Boo Boo.

They also have Bibles for bedazzling little teeny bops(no offense if you or your child is sporting this one-I secretly wanted it).  No wonder kids have tudes these days.

Also, while on this Christian swag journey I found the rich man's Bible.  I mean, I hope that this Bible has a holographic Jesus that appears and reads it you.  And then performs some miracles or healings.

I felt like I should get this one just because it was the most expensive one.  I mean, maybe I would get more street cred if I was rolling with this one.  This one must have all of the answers in it.  Unfortunately I just couldn't pull the trigger on the $100 Bible.  Headset girl tried to hustle me, but I prevailed. 
Let's move on.
The check out.  After 45 minutes of wandering around aimlessly (I was hunting for some cheesy Jesus treats), I finally found the check out.  Enter awkward situation.  I am checking out behind someone who is trying to get a discount, yet they don't fulfill discount credentials.  He finally conceded and paid full price. My turn.  I am checking out.  Cashier man is a chatty Cathy.  After 10 minutes I realize I still have not been checked out.  Time is money people.  He asks me what I am buying all of my loot for.  I explain.  He then asks where I live.  Huh?  Where do I go to church? Why?  Did I go to college here? Ok, now I'm getting a little confused here.  Insert more small talk.  He is now no longer behind the counter. What do I do?  Do I want any good book recommendations?   Is this homeboy flirting?  No way.  I knew I should not have come to this place.  I felt like all the little Jesus' in the store were staring at me.  How in the world does one escape this? I still needed to pay for my junk and roll out.  I thought about just taking off, but headset girl was by the front door and it could get awkward.  I casually mention that I am in a hurry to get to Starbucks to meet someone.  Terrible lie.  It was the only thing I could think of.  I'm usually so much better.  Plus I felt so guilty for lying in the Jesus store.  Chatty Cathy asks who I'm going to meet.  Oh dear Lord.  Finally he takes my money.  Goodness.  I aged 10 years in there.  
I reach the outside.  I wanted to kiss the ground.  FREEDOM.  I walk toward my car.  Only to see what looked like Za Za Gabor smoking some nice Virginia Slims basically on my car.  Ugh.  She was talking to someone in the car next to mine.  More like yelling actually.  Well this is awkward.  I had to stand there for like a minute for her to notice me.  Finally she carts it on to the other side.  I jumped in White Lightning and burned rubber. 
Never to return again.

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