Lately

Lately, I've been catching myself day dreaming in the office. I think my heart is just beside itself anticipating the fall season.  And hopefully with the fall, maybe a different season spiritually as well.  I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the "me" as much as I'd have liked.  Most of the time lately, I have just been trying to get to the next day as smoothly as possible.  I found myself in a rather tough season on several accounts and I kept waiting to be rescued form it.  Pretty much like a Disney princess getting rescued from the tower if I am really honest.  I kept thinking that things would miraculously change and everything would be hunky dory.  I'm starting to realize that that may not be exactly how God operates..  Much to my disappointment.  I was talking to a friend a couple weeks ago.  We were kind of hashing some things out and I told her what I needed most was to know that God had me.  No idea how to explain it, but that's what I felt in my heart.  I was hoping she was going to pepper me with some lovey dovey inspiration.  Not the case.  Her response was one trillion times better.  And more real.  She said, "When do you first remember God not having you in his hand?"  It has spawned some serious self reflecting.  Just the other day I kept asking God why doesn't He just swoop in and fix all of this junk.  Seriously.  I have been good, treated people nicely, what the hell am I doing wrong here?  Why not show up and deal?  Then I would get all mad because deep down I was wishing I would get a bolt of lightening or a stack one hundred dollar bills would drop from the sky or something so I would know He was hearing me.  And then it hit me.  Just when I was mad and cussing Him up and down, left and right, something hit me.  Maybe his plan isn't always to rescue.  Maybe instead of being a complete ass, I can figure out what it is exactly that I have maybe learned or try and see what he could be teaching me.  Hopefully I've learned something.  Maybe a change in seasons (weather wise) doesn't mean that I'm going to transition into a delightful spiritual season.  As hopeful as I am for a change that I desperately want, maybe He wants to grow me even more.  I have to say, before these last 10 months I was more of a pansy than I knew.  I only thought of God when I wanted to or when I needed Him.  I would say that my faith was a lot more circumstantial.  Now, I can notice a difference in myself.  Some good, some bad.  But, I know that there is a depth in here that was not there before.  I'm certain of that.  There is piece of this heart that is forever different than before.  And that is enough to quiet the doubts of today.  I still have questions.  And doubts.  I still want Him to show up.  But, I've also realized that I have been trying to will Him into my wants and my plans.  I don't think that is how it goes..

Was having a little mind wandering sesh today at work and these are on my mind..  Come on fall:)

Seasons

It's safe to say that I am ready for this season to be dunzo.  Bring on the fall.  For real.  Yesterday, I got my Tahoe back after almost four weeks.  On the way home it broke.  Same exact problem as before.  So I took it really really well.  Sike! Don't you know me at all??  Anyways, it is going back today.  Maybe someone will light it on fire for me.  I have not enjoyed this past season, but I have learned a whole hell of a lot.  More than I actually wanted to.  It has been a tough season, but I'm hoping the Lord has been working in it.  Especially in the places where I have felt or seen Him least.  He's been teaching me a lot about myself and my heart.  For which I am grateful.

That being said, I'm ready for a new season.  I'm ready to sleep with the windows open.  I'm ready for fall.  For dove and duck seasons.  I'm ready to ride around in my car(well maybe a different car) with the windows down.  I'm ready for fires.  For reading outside.  For writing outside. For plaids and flannels.  For college football.  For oysters and Fireball.  For late afternoon beach walks.  For jeans and boots.  I'm ready for a new season to bring new things:)  Bring on the fall!

Rewind

Saturday night is my 10 year high school reunion.  Yes, I can't believe it either.  10 years. Wow.  I can't  believe I left ol Wando that long ago.  My days at Wando were glorious.  I loved high school.  Probably more than I should have.  I mean, if I had the chance I would totally time travel back to junior year.  Junior and Senior year were the best years ever.  I seriously thought I was destined to be a character from Dawson's Creek and was walking on the streets of gold.. A little dramatic, but totally true.  I loved the old Wando, I loved my teachers and most importantly, it is where I made my best friends.  Today I was thinking about just how lucky I was to find such an incredible group of friends.  Everyone told me that you don't really stay friends with your high school friends and make better friends later.  I was devastated.  I was dreading going to college because I thought I would have to make all new friends..  Wrong.  I struck gold on both ends.  And now some of my high school friends are even friends with the college ones..  So I thought in honor of the reunion I would take a trip down memory lane...
Taking it back to 2003 favorites...
Car: Jeep (Rocky)
Food: Boulevard Diner.  Brkfst, lunch and dinner.  Duh
Movie: Now and then & Sixteen Candles
Shoes: Birkenstock..
Clothes: Wando soccer shirts and these terrible capris..
Worst thing I did: Stole some Zimas...
Worst regret: the bad hair cut...  gets me every time.
Favorite activity: Young Life
Highlights: Prom, Senior Cruise, Chick Fil A every Friday with many friends, bike rides in Creekside, sitting on Ru Ru's dock, pranking the boys, Young Life Camp, McCarthy coming to the Wando Cafeteria every week, football games, spirit week, riding around with everyone in my jeep.
Most thankful for: My friends:)

The best thing is that we really are actually still friends.  I love that we have all stayed in touch.  Super thankful for these people.  Here are a few more recent shots...

Thoughts

So I have been sitting in class this week.  It has nearly killed me, but I'm halfway done- so there's a positive.  I was also transported back to Algebra 1 today and slammed with my math anxiety... Math is just not for me.  But, alas, I must pass my exam.  So say some serious prayers.  Any ways.  I was sitting in class and my mind got to wandering.  I felt like I was wasting time sitting there, trying to memorize polish notation which I will probably never use again.  Story of my life.  But, I was thinking about a lot of things.  I was thinking about gifts. Now, I am more on the negative side and don't think I posses a huge amount of gifts, but I know that I can talk to people and I can occasionally write something good. My dream is to one day become a writer/author.  That and a woman fishing guide are my two fairy tale dreams.  Today, I thought, what am I waiting for?  I keep waiting for life events to line up perfectly and I would then sit at my computer and draft a bestseller on my first try.  Probably not going to happen.  But, I keep waiting.  I keep waiting for the perfect situation.  Chances are that there will not be a perfect situation for me to cough out a novel.  It's not going to be easy.  I think deep down I fear the commitment.  I fear the possible thought of rejection.  And I fear failing.  But, I also know that I don't want to waste a chance.  I don't want to waste a dream because I am scared of things that have not even happened yet.  I am tired of playing things out to the end, when the beginning has yet to even begin.  So what am I waiting for?  Inspiration?  Encouragement?  Time?  Affirmation?  Yes, but those shouldn't be deal killers.  So what if my book could stink.  So what if I don't have time.  I can make time.  I've had these thoughts for so long and I feel like today the Lord was trying to show me something different. Instead of looking at the why nots, look at the what ifs.  What if I just did it?  What if I put on my big girl pants and did this thing?  It is terrifying yet exhilarating at the same time.  I get so excited just thinking about it.  If you were here next to me I would wear your ears out about it.  I love this feeling. I can't even explain it.  I rarely let myself do this.  I absolutely love getting the creative juices flowing.  And boy are they flowing.  Wowzas.  I also thought- what if God gave me writing for a reason?  Surely I shouldn't waste it?  Right?  Right.  So its on.  The creative juices are flowing and I'm excited to see where they go.  Not saying I'll pop out a book any time soon, but maybe I'll get something in the works:)

Catch you later,
SRS

you are welcome

If you need a laugh, click here.  Sorry if I'm late to the game.

Get it on

Only the few and the proud know this little fact about me (now you will all know):  I love the song "let's get it on" by my good buddy Marvin Gaye.  Not for any weirdo reason- Trust me, I'm not getting it on or anything- but I just love the song and the music.  Sorry I'm not sorry.  So I happen to listen to it a lot in my office (I'm sure my office people think I am a freak).  So I'm standing in line for my beloved ice coffee at Starbucks this morning.  Just doing my normal thing and chit chatting with the coffee gods.  I get my coffee and go over to fix it up just how I like it.  Wouldn't you know ol Marvin comes on the speakers.  I guess I wasn't paying much attention, but according to an exact look a like of Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, I was getting my singing on.  Halfway through the song, Destiny's Child says "get it girl."  I then realize.  Shit.  I am singing "Lets get it on" fairly loudly in this here coffee shop.  Awesome.  It must have been pretty good because I got a few claps from some fans in line.  Needless to say, I am pretty sure that I can add that to my top 10 most embarrassing moments in time.  Ever. 

Workin it,
SRS

Hope

Today I saw love in person.  I saw love walked out.  Today was Ford's funeral.  There was a whole lot of love gathered at 10 o clock today.  And it was one of the most surreal yet sweetest things that I've ever seen.  I honestly still can't believe it.  Even just writing my scattered pointless thoughts on here are harder than normal.  I was standing in there during one of the songs (sitting with some old YL leaders) and I just lost it.  I was overwhelmed with grief, sadness and disappointment, but felt this overwhelming feeling of love.  Love for Ford and especially love for his family and friends.  He literally has sweetest family I have ever seen.  They are precious.  I thought about how if I am feeling this overwhelming love for Ford and the Henderson's, imagine how much love God has for Ford and for us.  Even though I am not currently feeling the love, I am hoping and trusting that it is there.  While I was standing there rain man was having a lot of thoughts.  I will only traumatize you with a couple.  I first thought about what I like to call a shit storm.  As of late, I have felt like life is a bit like a shit storm.  Excuse my French, but it is fitting.  I thought of my feelings while standing in that room listening to the hymns.  I thought about how sad I am.  How disappointed I am.  How mad I am.  How unsure I am.  How faithless I can actually be.  And I thought about how bad I want God to just show up.  I want Him to show up for me, for the Hendersons and for any of my people.  But, then I thought about how and why I came to know Ford.  I came to know Ford because of God.  I had the chance of being friends with Ford because of God.  God put me in YL and he brought Ford there and for that I am eternally thankful and grateful.  I was standing there looking at all of the people and I thought how sad this was, but then I thought no matter how awful this is, I am still so thankful that there is Hope.  And even though I am pretty much at the end of my own self I am going to keep hoping.