Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

People of Whole Foods: The Buffet

No body take offense. Thank you.

Whole Foods.  So much to say here.  I both love and hate the Whole Foods.  Here is what I love: its like an ice box in there, the fruit is beautiful (like for real.  I want to buy it just because it makes me happy to look at), the pizza, the sandwiches and 2 of the cashiers.  Here is what I hate:  All of the herbal stuff (because it smells and I have not a damn clue what any of it is), the magazines, and the crappy feeling I get shopping there.  I am just not a Whole Foods girl.  I wish I was, but I am not.  I'm sure this is all me, but I'm always feeling a little judged in there.  Like the people somehow know that I would rather be eating at Boulevard Diner.  Let me move on to today's point.

The Hot Bar/Salad Bar.  At first I am always deceived.  I think to myself, "Self, you can do this.  You too can be one of these people here at the hot bar."  And then reality sets in.  People swarm the bar and panic sets in.  Sometimes I feel like a tribute in the Hunger Games making a dash for the cornucopia... I happened to be there at feeding time the other night.  Terrifying.  I picked up my earth friendly box and began constructing my healthy dinner.  Right off the bat I felt like an inconvenience.  I had to borrow the salad tongs from a lady with zero patience.  I dropped some spinach in the romaine.  Dear Lord I'm a sinner.  I thought the lady was going to swallow me whole.  Then I move along down the trough.  All I want is some shredded butternut squash (never thought I'd say that).  So I was waiting for the lady in front of me to finish her business.  I get some squash and go to drop the excess back in the trough. Apparently that is not protocol.  I got the look of death from granola girl next to me.  Sorry, I can't eat 3 lbs of squash.  I will die.  I move along.  I tried to count out some chick peas.  Don't want to over due it.  My body isn't used to all this roughage and I don't want to over load it here..  I get to the meat.  I parcel out some turkey.  And put 2 back. Sorry, that adds like 3 dollars to my box...  Once again I get disgusted looks.  I decide to get some orzo.  I felt like I had 20 people waiting for me to finish.  I couldn't get exactly what I wanted because I felt like I was majorly inconveniencing the line that had amassed behind me.  Then I made my way around the corner.  I spotted tofu.  I am not a tofu gal. But, against my core beliefs, I tried one.  Yes.  I stole a cube of tofu off of the salad bar.  I tried to be sneaky as I popped the cube of who knows what into my mouth.  Only to turn and see two men staring at me.  Oops?  Boy was I sorry. I thought I may die on the spot.  There was nothing to wash it down with. I once again confirmed my carnivorous love.  I move along.  To the cheese and dressing.  Finally, something I know!  I am pretty sure I am the only person who eats from the cheese on the bar. It is always full and I always feel judged when I add my cheese.  Same with the dressing.  The dressing is what seals the deal here.  I need it in order to actually eat what is below it.  I feel like such a salad fake.  A greens wannabee.  And then the reality sets in that I'm not a Boulevard Diner.  Or Mozzo.  Nope. I'm eating greens and legumes.  And other things that I am not even sure what they are called.  And then disappointment washes over and I in turn resent the hot bar/ salad bar and its people.  Whole Foods shame sets in.  And I exit.  With my $10 salad...



  1. Hahaha this is great! I once filled my box with grits only to realize I had $10 worth. Can you imagine how much grits you could actually buy for $10? Way more than was in my box! Now I only go for the light weight stuff!

  2. I remember going to Whole Foods (months ago, never went back) to get a salad. My buddy had told me that Kale was the new salad green. I got a bunch of kale and piled some other healthy crap on top of it. I went home, ate one bite, and realized that it tasted like a rubber boot. And of course, I spent at least $10, maybe more. I can totally relate to your story Sass!