Unseen

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”—2 Corinthians 4:16-18(NKJV)

I don't know how I could have possibly missed this verse.  Not that I read the Bible on an incredibly regular basis, but I feel like people throw verses around left and right and for some reason this one has never stuck.  Until tonight. 

I'm leading a small group/Bible study with a friend and today was our first one.  I was honestly petrified. I felt like I was going to die on the spot.  I would rather get up on a stage and do some type of self deprecating skit than have to prepare something spiritual and share it with the safest people around.  But, alas, the Good Lord likes to challenge me.  And challenge He did.  I wanted to throw up almost the entire time (hopefully it will get easier), but I think it went as best as it could.  We shared about seasons/stages of life.  As I was trying to explain mine (without being a downer) as of late I realized some things.  It has been hard.  I have gone through it kicking and screaming and hope to never return.  But I will.  Life is messy.  We love people and we lose people.  I hate it, but it will happen.  I never thought I could handle it, but I've learned that I can't.  Only He can.  If I actually let Him.  Now, knowing what I have learned, I am so eternally grateful.  Grateful to have been surrounded by my people.  Grateful to have had to let things go.  Grateful to have had to answer when I least wanted to.  Grateful to have seen a depth that I didn't know was there or was even possible.  I saw something that I never would have.

I think the above verse is killer.  My outward self was dying (dramatic I know).  I think it was headed that way regardless of the last few months.  The process was just sped up a little faster than I would have liked.  But, truly I tell you, the inward has changed.  There are things deep inside of my heart that I did not know existed.  Good and bad.  And it has been hard/terrifying and cool trying to hammer them out.  My heart feels renewed.  My faith feels renewed.  Now this isn't all the time.  I still have all the hard thoughts, but there is an underlying current of grace.  And peace.  It's too hard to begin to describe.  So just disregard most of this. 

Time.  I was talking to a friend a about time just this afternoon.  How one year felt so incredibly fast.  Yet, so much has happened.  When I think about it, it is full of moments.  ( I am a savor the moment kind of gal) Moments that I would not trade for the world.  The things unseen that have happened are priceless and I'm sure I'm still not realizing all of them.  Heck- some of the ones seen, as crummy as some were, have taught me the most. The thought of there being more cool unseen things is so cool.  To know that these moments are eternal is pretty damn awesome. 

No idea if this made a lick of sense.

Peace and blessings..

The coolest

No words can describe this past weekend in St. Augustine. I will muster them up later. 

I have to give a big shout out to my friend Sally.  I went down to Red Bluff with her a few weeks ago to visit our friend Biz.  She was taking legit pics for something and I just tagged along.  I was coerced into some pics (I usually like to stay behind the camera) and I love them.  I've never actually seen a pic of my own self that I thought actually captured me.  I don't know how to explain it.  But I thought these were pretty damn cool if you ask me.  You can tell by my constant laughter that I was definitely about to die...  But, Sally rocked it.  It was so much fun!

 

 

Freaking Out

I AM FREAKING OUT.  Here is why.  At some point this afternoon, I will be getting in a car with a dear friend and heading South.  To St. Augustine.  Why?  Here is why I'm freaking out.  We just so happen to be going to attend the Gentlemen of the Road Stopover in St. Augustine.  What is that?  It's basically a 2 day Mumford and Sons music festival.  Yes.  You would freak out to.  25,000 tickets.  Sold out 3 days after it was announced.  I honestly did not think for one second that this would go down.  And then, boom.  We were going.  I have suppressed my excitement, due to my pessimistic personality, but today is the day and I can't sit still.  AHHHH.  It is going to be incredible.  I have stalkerishly watched about 500 videos of Mumford and all of the other bands playing.  I've been praying that this would just be awesome. And that my boy Marcus won't wear his wife beater.  Peace out.

These Words

"God allows in His wisdom, what He could prevent in His power."

I have read these words a lot.  I keep re reading them and they hit me every time.  So, the last few months have been less than stellar.  This is a fact.  But sometimes I catch myself taking in what I have learned.  I never am one to catch myself learning at the present time, but sometimes, much, much later, I realize that maybe God was showing me something.  (I always realize these things at the most random times) I say this now with a good attitude.  If anyone else were to say this to me (along with several other words that do not help any situation) I would have to restrain myself from tackling them.  Plus, I can be told something 1 trillion times, but it only works if I figure it out.  Well here are some things I have learned:

You can feel two completely different emotions at the exact same time

Sometimes God has to knock me over the head with things

My faith needed some definite growing

We need JOY

We need to find what we love and do it

We need community

We need good people

You can feel distant from God, but close at the same time

He wants us to ask Him for more

And then I read these words. Game changer.  I have been praying and praying and screaming and asking and begging.  (This sounds dramatic, but its not.)  I have been questioning, doubting and asking up a storm.  And I was hearing zilch.  So then I would get mad. And the cycle would continue.  Before I read these words, I was kind of getting to a rather tough spot.  When I first read these words I did not like them.  At all.  But then I kept reading them and I thought wow.  I thought of all the things that have been tough, there have been places that I have learned so much when I didn't even know that I needed it.  I keep thinking how able He is.  How wise He is.  How powerful He is.  How knowing He is.  I forget all of these things when it all goes to Hell and a hand basket.  But, on the back end, they come around.  As much as I don't want to believe that He knows everything that is happening, He does.  As much as I want to be in control, I know that I shouldn't be and He should.  I don't always know it right at the time, but I usually figure it out the hard way somewhere down the line.  

For now, these words are heavy.  They carry a lot of weight. They give me assurance.  Maybe I don't need to be saved or rescued from something.  Maybe he is trying to teach me something. Maybe he is teaching me to wait.  To trust.  To dig in.  He could fix it.  But what is he teaching me by not?  That's the million dollar question.

Roar

If you have been reading lately then you know some of the things that have been going on in my crazy train.  I've been having a melting pot of thoughts lately.  Here is one that woke me up in the middle of the night.  I've been asking God a lot of questions.  Been trying to cut some deals with Him (which have not worked..) and honestly, I've been questioning His whereabouts.  Also, I've been wishing for Him to be a little quieter or maybe just leave me be for a while.  (This is dumb I know).  Deep down, I've been wanting Him to inform me that he has me.  That my life would be safer or easier or less chaotic.  Maybe He could direct from backstage?  Yeah, that would be ideal...  The root of this for me, I think, is that I want to feel safe.  I want my life to be safe.  I want God to be safe.  And sweet.  And always nice.  (And maybe always do what I want..)  I woke up around 4 am this morning with my prayers on my heart.  I realized immediately why I wasn't at peace with this.  These were sounding like little pansy prayers... 

God doesn't promise that He is safe or that we will be safe or that life will be rainbows and butterflies.  I thought further.  Do I really actually want a safe, passive, back seat driver of a God?  What kind of king would fit that description?  Then I thought about it on my end.  Choosing the easy way isn't what we are called to do.  I don't want that anyways.  Yeah, sure lately I wouldn't mind it.  As much as I b*tch and moan, I want my God to be tough.  To fight for me.  To fight for you.  As mad as I am or can be, as pissed as I am or can get, I have peace knowing that it is nothing compared to Him.  The same goes for love.  As much love as I have for something or someone, it is nothing compared to His love.  I forget that at the drop of the hat on most days, when things don't turn out how I want them to.

soul food

I can't remember if I have already posted this quote by E. E. Cummings before, but I don't think soaking it in one more time would be too terrible for any of us.  To me, this quote makes my heart full.  Here's why.  I 100% think this is true.  For me at least.  I often find myself more insecure than I'd like to think.  I am scared of people, I'm always worried if people don't like me and I am a doubter.  I used to think that I always had to be funny or people wouldn't like me.  There. I said it.(whew)  But over the last few years I have learned that is not the case.  I have realized that I'm a needer of affirmation/encouragement.  I often will get ideas, but I will go ahead and shoot them down before any one else could even have one iota of a chance.  But, every once in a while- someone beats me to it.  Instead of a shoot down, there is encouragement.  Sometimes we are too inwardly focused and need to see/hear from someone else. Someone that we know loves us and wants the best for us.  No matter what.  I am a first hand recipient of this.  It started with my parents, then with my YL leader and then with a few friends now.  I can remember very clearly a few conversations lately that (and I know that I did not show it) have been life changers.  Simple words.  Whether they were meant to pierce my heart or not they did.  And they needed too.  I am my own worst enemy most times and I know that I can get stuck in that.  But THANK GOD there are people willing to put it out there and do life with me (the hot mess express).  I can be sitting, having a normal conversation and all of a sudden, my heart will just start racing and I will hear the one voice.  The voice of encouragement.  The voice of trust.  The voice of worthiness.  Something just clicks and it's like all of a sudden I realize that maybe I can do something.  Maybe I too am worthy or capable of doing something valuable.  Sometimes, I think someone else has to believe in me before I will believe in myself.  And I think this is important.  It's very important to receive it, but it is, in my opinion, equally as important to give it away.  If we can learn to see past people and see into their hearts, maybe we can see what the Lord has for them.  Maybe we can see just who the Lords wants them to be.  And we have this sacred opportunity to encourage them.  We have the chance to help them feel worthy.  We have this chance to do life together.  To love one another.  Just a few words or some quality time can be a life changer.  I know this is true.  And I think this is what loving each other is all about.  It's hard. It's messy.  But it's worth it.  Lives can be changed.  Even saved.  I think it's just a glimpse of the kingdom poking in:)

Please

I've been praying this up lately.  Sometimes it's a good reminder.