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Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Monday, May 13, 2013

Today

I'd like to take a moment and share today's inspection.  Just so you feel like you were there with me.

I wind down the unkept driveway in Dorchester, SC.  The house comes in to view.  The house pretty much matches the driveway with all the vegetation growing up against the house almost past the windows.  it looks like a nice place to hide bodies.  If need be.  So I take my precious time exiting my safe automobile.  I did let a friend know where I was, but I'm not too sure that would have actually pro longed  my short life.  I make my way to the porch.  I knock very politely on the front door.  Lots of barking.  Oh good. My favorite.  A 5'2 scary woman answers the door gruffly holding back what I thought was a polar bear.  Luckily it was just a freaking giant husky dog.  I nervously say hello.  She says, "Why would you knock?  You should know to ring the bell.  I could hve been in the other room and would have never known.  Geez, shouldn't you know that?"  Nice to meet you too...  I can smell the inside of the house from my spot on the porch.  Great, this should be real fun.  So I go around the house, silently cussing to myself.  She comes out with her two dogs.  She tells me the dogs are named Daniel and LaTasha.  (She may think they are actual humans, I'm not sure).  LaTasha doesn't like strangers she says.  Oh good.  LaTasha was copping a tude with me and let me know with a lovely snarl.  We go back into the house.  Which is almost completely dark.  I just love when I go into a strangers house and then hear them lock the deadbolt.  Awesome.  I ask her (casually) why she needs to lock that.  Her response, "My husband could come back anytime.  Scuse me, my Ex.  I had dead bolts put on everything because you never know when he will try and get back in.  His brother lives next door and has been spying on me."  Oh good.  I feel so good now. "Oh and I have only seen him once since he left and he died his hair white.  And gained wait.  He looks like Saint Nick.  Bad Santa." Lovely. I then ask if maybe we could turn on some overhead lighting. (Seemed pretty normal at the time to ask that)  "No.  I don't like light."  Oh ok.  I then all of a sudden just start sweating.  She could probably see the beads of sweat free falling off of me.  "My ac is broke.  But I am not putting a dime into this since he is getting the house."  Oh alright.  Good thing I hydrated.  So here I am, sweating, trying not to throw up from the smell, and going as fast as possible so the ol husband doesn't make his return while I am here.  I am meandering through the place and realize the worst possible thing imaginable.  I stepped in a flipping hippo sized pile of dog shiz that there could possibly be.  In the bedroom.  Great.  Sick.  Now I'm really going to throw up.  Mild panic sets in as I realize that the shit could actually be touching my skin.  Oh god.  She acts pissed.  Pissed that I didn't know to look out for crap inside the house???  I realize that I don't even want to take the shoe off, because I don't want my bare feet being exposed to anything in this place.  She hands me some old magazines to use.  Shotgun news.  She collects them.  Her ex also collects plastic bags from any store.  They are stacked from floor to ceiling.  I manage to just wrap my foot/chaco in the bag and proceed.  No need to waste anymore time here.  We get to the second bedroom, where the dogs live.  They have their own tv.  They like to watch nypd blue.  re runs.  Naturally.  She then informs me that she is a cross stitcher.  And shows me some work.  After several minutes of staring I ask what apparently a dumb question.  "Are these all cross stitches of The Godfather?"  She stares at me like I am a complete idiot.  "Yes."  And that's it.  Alright. I realized suddenly that she would be Megan from Bridesmaid's less sophisticated sister, if there was such a character.   I politely said my goodbyes as fast as humanly possible.  I had to drive all the way back to the corner store of Dorchester and beg to borrow a hose. 

So that is my adventure of the day.  Just thought I would share.

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