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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Expectation

Hello there.  I've been a little MIA lately, but we are still trucking over here.  I'm still in the depths of processing/over analyzing/taking it all in over here.  Kind of feels like I've popped a squat in some good old fashioned pluff mud.  Just letting it all sink in over here.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  We take it all, no discriminations.  But, its all okay. 

Today, let's talk expectation.  My good buddy, wiki, defines expectation as follows:

In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

Confession.  I struggle with expectation.  In many ways.  Most importantly, I tend to put a lot of expectation on myself.  (I believe some expectation is healthy, because it keeps you on your game, working hard)  But, I tend to take it straight on up to level 10.  Which in turn, will ultimately, most likely, lead to disappointment or failure.  I paint this picture of perfection in my head and when I self analyze and in turn, don't measure up- its game over.  The introverted side of me goes into freak out mode.  Which is never good.  If you are wondering just what it is that I freak out about, I have a long list, but I'll share a few.  Worrying if people like me, worrying that I'm doing "it" all right, basically always worrying about what people think.  Then the rain man part of me likes to do a little comparing every now and again.  Well, stick a fork in me.  This just never ends well.  Probably because everyone I know is married, getting married, popping out ninos, saving the world, curing diseases, running marathons, doing iron mans, pinning incredible things that they will actually make, have incredible Xmas cards, living the dream, or they are just flat out cool.  I know better than anyone, not to do any comparing, but sometimes (more often then not) I fall down the slippery slope.  To me, the disappointment leads to some kind of let down.  I've either let myself down or I've let someone else down.  And that just about undoes me.  Seriously.  It can be big, small, tiny, minuscule, but any feeling of let down on my part is like the worst thing I can imagine.  If I think I failed someone in any way, the thoughts get rolling and there's no stopping them.  I know this sounds very trivial or simple, but I'm just getting it out there.  I'm working on it.  Well, the Lord is helping me work on it... it's a big one and I welcome any help that I can get.

So back to expectation.  Obviously, the last month or two has been a little different than I was anticipating.  I was expecting to take on 2013 like none other.  I think at new years I even mentioned I was going to go into beast mode in 2k13.  That means owning it.  Well, it's been a little different than expected.  I wasn't expecting that i would enter into car trouble hell.  I wasn't expecting to bum rides for eons (totally and horrifically out of my compfot zone).  I wasn't expecting or excited about buying another car.  Never for the life of me thought I would say good bye to Rob.  I never expected to be 100% undone about something or 100% out of control.  And then I really never expected everything that has since come out of it.  Completely un related, but all intertwined at the same time.  Flipping exhausting is what it is.  But, I never expected to be completely ruled by it.  I'm a tough one.  Usually keep on trucking.  That has not been the case.  I'm buns down in the mud here.  But it's okay.  It has been a little bit of a struggle letting go of the expectation that everything is okay and that I'm fine.  Because I'm not.  Or expecting to wake up today a new person.  Not sad, or mad or disappointed.  Expecting to be all good here.  I keep expecting that i won't still be in complete shock. Or be sad. Weirdly- I never expected to have such great friends through it all, but that expectation has been exceeded. I'm still just as sad.  But, I know where I am and who's got me.  And as simple as it sounds, I know that's all that I need to know.

Sorry for the ramble.  It is what it is.

SRS.

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