Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Saturday, December 8, 2012

People of Whole Foods

I'm anticipating that I'm going to get in trouble for this posting, but it's been a long time a comin. First, let me throw in my typical disclaimer: friends that live shop at Whole Foods, take no offense.  I envy you and your shopping tastes.  This is just coming from my perspective, which is often skewed.  Fret not.

Okay.  In the past 4 months, I have spent more time at the Whole Foods than most civilians.  Not due to shopping for my groceries.  My beloved small group meets there on Friday mornings.  We usually post up anywhere from 8-1130, give or take a few hours.  Depending on the situation..  So I sneak in a lot of people watching while there.  And here begins my story.

Sometimes Every time I go to Whole Foods, I get a little anxious.  It's kind of like looking for a seat in the cafeteria in the 7th grade.  You just have to act like you know what the heck you are doing and remain perfectly calm, cool and collected.  At Whole Foods, I sometimes feel like I do not necessarily fit the WF mold, therefore; I get a little insecure.  The salad bar for example.  I do not necessarily know what every single item is on that bar.  But, there are always yoga moms riding my tail so I have to act like it ain't my first rodeo.  It's quite stressful at rush hour and one must circle several hundred times before completing a delectable salad.  Plus, I like to sample the goods before buying and I always seem to get the stank eye for that.  Come on.  Just a few weeks ago I decided to go out on a limb and try a brussel sprout.  100% TERRIBLE decision.  For one split second I wished that I would die on the spot rather than swallow that thing.  I have never had such self control.  I wanted to spit that circle of death all the way to the produce section.  But, no.  I slowly chewed it and got it down.  Sick.  Scared for life.  That also happened when I tried terryaki tofu.  I regret that one....  Not sure where that one landed...  If you didn't know- they serve breakfast also.  It is sooooo good.  Actually, one part is sooooo good.  The bacon.  They have the best bacon in the whole entire world.  But, I almost can't enjoy the bacon because I feel guilty eating bacon at WF. So to reconcile my guilt I go and throw a few pieces of lettuce over my eggs...

The trash situation.  There are like 75 different holes for you to dispose of your trash.  Too many options.  I feel like sometimes I am solving a logic problem when it comes to my trash.  Glass, plastic, compost, regular trash, special trash.  Ugh.  I am indecisive.  Help a girl out.
The dress code.  Alright, this one is probably the one that gets me the most.  Before I even get to the front door, my insecurities peak.  Exercise moms everywhere.  (I am all for exercise moms just so we are clear).  It takes all I've got to roll from the bed, to the car and then sleep drive to WF.  These people must have exercised through the night or something.  They have already been there and done that.  And they still look good.  I exercise and I look like a homeless vagabond roaming the streets.  They are rolling up to grocery shop in really cute little yoga pants and nice t shirts.  If I sported that-  forget it, I can't even go there.  These people even look cool in hats.  So while in that place, I feel a little guilt.  Friday morning and I didn't exercise guilt.  It's a terrible version.  As I am making my lovely breakfast, Yoga mom goes by and then I have to add more lettuce.  And less bacon. Ugh.  Maybe if I wear my exercise clothes I will feel better?  There is this woman there on Friday mornings.  She usually sits in a booth behind us.  We make terrible eye contact every time.  Pretty sure she doesn't like me. ( I am aware that I am being dramatic, but just let it happen) She is usually in black.  She is always on her Ipad and reading (something like "organic and you" or what not) while I am sucking down my coffee and hot breakfast while laughing way too loudly with my people.  Nope.  She don't play.  I admit it- I'm scared of her.  Then there are the 50-65 ish year old women who are dressed all trendy like 20 year olds.  Today- I saw too much old lady leg.  Not okay.  I'm alright with the cool fashionista stuff, but if you drive a Buick and are claiming your senior discount- less upper thy please.  I mean no disrespect.

I felt much more comfortable visiting the Whole Foods while I was driving white lightening.  More WF ish.  Today I was driving Old Glory.  Bit of a bigger carbon foot print.  I parked just a hair 10 feet past my white line and was getting the stank eye.  Prolly not for being past the white line.  Probably for my large carbon foot print and all 500 of the republican stickers Herb has put on the car.  I'm definitely not in the in crowd of the Whole Foods.

I will say this- my all time favorite cashier does work there.  So its not all a wash for me.

here ends the post...


  1. You are hilarious, and spot on with your observations. Don't feel alone in being intimidated, you're at a whole foods in Mt. Pleasant. It's like Stepford Wives on steroids.

  2. Amen. I can't shop there. Too much judging... my big black Suburban, I buy all the unhealthy stuff and people stare in my cart AND worst of all, I don't bring my own bags!

    1. Crap.. I forgot about the bags...

  3. dying. i DARE you to bring a mcdonald's breakfast one morning. the place might explode

  4. Oh my just explained my every feeling and more when I am fish out of water! I thought I was the only one that felt that way! I try to get in and out of there as fast as possible so my blood pressure can return to normal. But like your beloved cashier, one lovely thing about the place is that I learned it is ok to just pop something in my pocketbook instead of a grocery bag. I then get to the Melvin's drive thru so I can work out my inferiority issues over a cheeseburger basket in my huge carbon footprint mommy wagon...and call Dot for some Ananias,
    Mary Anna