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Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Sunday, August 19, 2012

My Trail of Tears

Last week I traveled the trail of tears.  This one is slightly different than the one you learned about in school, but it was a hell of a hike if you ask me.  (Well, you didn't ask, but I'm telling you regardless.)  If you know me, then you know that I was once a crier, lost my mojo and then all of a sudden- the mojo was returned.  No problem letting the tears flow anymore.

Last Thursday, I returned from my Wild West Adventure.  It was a trip of a lifetime.  I will write more on that later this week.  Re-entry was a tough one for some reason.  I guess I was emotional or something.  I'm not sure.  But, I found myself tearing up a little easier than normal.  It started on Saturday when I got to hang with little awesome toddler of a man Henry Alexander.  We are basically besties.  Just ask him.  While hanging with him, we watched a little Babar.  Now, Babar was my favorite show when I was a tiny tot.  The very first episode came on.  The Babar's mom (who is an elephant) got sniped by a poacher right in front of him and died.  Excuse me- this is a little innocent kid's show and she gets dropped 100 yards out.  Not cool.  I found myself tearing up.  This should have been an immediate red flag....

Let's fast forward to Wednesday.  Before I left on my trip, I happened upon what is basically my dream house.  I loved it before I even went to see it.  I decided that if it was still available when I returned, then it was worthy of a looksy.  I went, I saw, I conquered.  Not so much.  But, I did fall in love.  Next, I took mom and dad.  They loved it.  It was time to get serious.  Remember my "American Dream" post?  Let me refresh your memory:  Some jackelope messed up my credit without my knowledge.  I fixed it under much stress.  And now I've been building credit for the past 4 months.  So I call the bank and get things rolling.  I literally had never been more excited in my life.  I was about to pull the trigger and put a real offer out there.  I played it in my head a thousand times.  All I needed was the go ahead.  A few hours later my office phone rings.  Turns out- there was no social security # attached to my account so my pristine new credit had no where to report to.  It was just hanging out there in the abyss. No worries though, all I had to do was contact all three credit bureaus and correct the situation.  Not as easy as one may think.  It's almost impossible to speak to a human and if you do lock one down- they don't exactly speak English.  I spent about 4 hours on the phone and got no where.  All of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I began to ugly cry in my office.  I mean- UGLY cry.  I could hardly breathe.  I was so, so disappointed that I did not even know what to do.  I lost it.  I kept feeling like I just couldn't do anything right and that I had somehow failed.  Panic, frustration, disappointment and flat out pissed-offedness set in.  After about 30 minutes of straight crying I went to dad's office to let him know my situation.  I couldn't get 3 words of my sentence out before more tears and some nice snot came flying out.  He must have been terrified.  Finally, after about 5 tries I got it out.  Poor guy.  I was hysterical.  I don't know if I have ever freaked out like that before.  I had my hopes so high.  After assessing my situation, dad helped me do the fax machine because I literally could hardly function without crying. (This is very unlike me here:)  So we sent everything off and hoped for the best.  I won't know until sometime this week if they received anything.  So its a waiting game.  I will say- I spoke to a couple wise friends that put my mind at ease.  It all came down to the same problem that I seem to cross often-  Do I trust that God is in control?  Do I trust that things will work out the way hat they are supposed to?  Well, once again the answer is not so much.  NO.  I went from mountain top high to down in the dump in a split second and not once did I think to pray or to seek Him out.  Nope.  I immediately thought of every possible bad thing.  I thought about how I always follow the rules and nothing works out.  (I was getting a little dramatic at this point...) I thought about how no one would understand how upset I was about this.  About how let down I felt at the time.  I was so angry.  At the dangling that messed this whole thing up in 2004, about the automated messages at Equifax and about how I couldn't just talk to someone and get them to fix it without waiting 5 business days.  I had basically deemed my self a failure and had already predicted my future- house less, old maid living on the Wagner's 3rd floor.  Ha Ha.  It took two people to steer me back to where I should have gone first.  Things are a little better- 4 days later.  I've calmed down and I've been a little more at peace with waiting.  It's funny how when things are good- I don't have a care in the world.  I just coast along.  Thank God when I think of Him etc.  But as soon as it goes south- He's the last one I run to.  He should be my first stop.  Things have got to change.  I'm not sure how, but I am going to try a lot harder to try and rely on the Lord.  It's tough though.  But the rubber has got to meet the road somehow.  So there you have it.  If you interacted with me between Wednesday and today- I apologize.  I have been incredibly distracted and very much out of it.  Majorly sidetracked and extremely sarcastic.  Sometimes when I get incredibly stressed out- I hold it in and eventually it basically explodes out of me.  So- I apologize.

Here's to a new week.  It had better be better than the last one:)

Love ya long time,
SRS

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