Disclaimer: I am in need of a vent sesh. No need to worry. I am only slightly cray cray at this present time. No fear. Don't judge. Read at your own risk.
The American Dream. What is it? Well, I always thought the American dream would be to get further education, get a job, get a car, get married, get some kids and then live happily ever after. So I thought. Lately, the pursuit of the American Dream has been more like a reoccurring nightmare. You see, I have started looking at houses. Which is completely overwhelming. I live and breathe the MLS. I have been in every dump and dive in the 29464. But I'm trying to get all of my ducks in a row. So come to find out that I have 2 of the 3 big parts that will one day (if hell freezes over) lead to home ownership. I was missing what is looming behind door number 3. Credit. I have none (which I always thought was ok.) Come to find out I actually have a strike against me. At no fault of my own. For once. Well it just so happens that I have never had a credit card. Never ever wanted one. Still don't. I grew up learning not to spend money that you don't have. (Kudos to Herb and Ginny). I never got into money trouble. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I decided I better get one and maybe start building some credit. No idea how this junk is supposed to work (I just want to be 16 again). Paying rent and utilities on time for over 5 years doesn't help you 1% Just in case you were wondering. So I apply. I got denied. Applied to a different one. REJECTION. I was beside myself. I mean- crazy people with no jobs are running around this town, charging things up like nobody's business. And I have jack. Come on. So I get on the horn to figure out the situation. Well (I am still p-oed about this by the way if you couldn't tell) apparently, in 2004 I went to the dermatologist. Well the pathology lab billed us $69. So they thought. They billed the wrong address. So we never knew. Fast forward 8 years. This numchuck has been sitting on my credit report. Making me look like a slack ding-aling who didn't feel like paying. Not the case. So I pay it in full immediately and begin harassing the collection people to get this blemish of my record. Not as easy as it sounds. Diamond (the collections representative) and I are pretty tight now. I call her almost everyday. Just to see how far along we are with this thing. Sometimes I'm dramatic and say things like : "I mean, why do bad things happen to good people," "My whole life is now on hold, do you understand the urgency here," or "how would you feel if you were a rule follower and this happened to you?". I'm sure she is just waiting by the phone waiting on my next call. Which will be in 12 hours from now. Bottom line: You follow the rules when you are young and then you are penalized. Okay, that may be a little dramatic, but the thought has crossed my mind. So that's where I'm at right now. Playing the waiting game. But, you just wait. I'm about to build credit like you've never seen. One thing I have learned is that I can't stand wating on people to get something done. I has been driving my berserk. This whole ordeal has made me spastic. I'm trying to recover the much calmer Sarah. So basically, I can't do much on the house hunt until the credit sitch is under control. But, I may have some irons in the fire. Say some prayers. For my future house. And my sanity. I'll be honest, this little blemish has given me some anxiety. I laid awake in the dark last night from 11pm to 5am. Anxiety ridden. Unable to sleep. I finally got up cleaned my closet and played some temple run until my eyes got tired and fell asleep. Until 7:15 am... Today has been a bit rough due to tiredness, but I'm hoping to catch up tonight. This is probably more than you ever wanted to know. But now you know. So if you have had any type of interaction with me in the past 3 weeks and it was bad... Sorry. I have been a bit stressed. Having a house has been one of my most important aspirations. Something that I have really been working towards.
So what now. I posted in my last blog that I needed to learn how to trust that God will lead me where I need to go. I'd like to say that I've got it down pat and I am beating doubt and anxiety down like a little ninja. I'd like to, but that's not the case. But, I am trying. Trying really hard to not just shut down and get discouraged. Or try to do it on my own. Or calling other people for help. Because I can't. Somewhere deep down I have to release it to him. I try and control just about everything. I literally have no control over what happens next. And that is flat out hard. I have to trust and hope that things will work out how they are supposed to. I have to trust that there is a plan for me. Not drawn by yours truly. I have to truly, truly believe that He is in control. That he will open and close doors. That he will use me in this. In some way, that I do not see. That I would strive to meet some expectation that I have put on this. I have to let go and let God.
That's where I'm at tonight. It feels terrible, yet kind of good in some weird way. I think this is kind of good for me. That's all I've got.
PS: If you do not have Green River Ordinance's new album- Run fast and go get it. You won't regret it.