Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Thursday, November 7, 2013

People of the gym: Naked

I can handle most things.  Or, if I can't, I just pretend I can and then evacuate whatever horrible situation it is that I am trying to handle.  It usually works.  Until yesterday.  Yesterday I had the unfortunate luck of wanting to just die on the spot.  This may sound dramatic, but I, Sarah Sass, have never been a huge fan of casual nakedness.  And I am pretty sure I will never be on the walk around in public places while letting it all hang out train.  Pretty sure I will purchase no ticket for that.  Let me explain.

Yesterday I was walking into the gym locker room and was headed for a locker.  A nice safe locker in the corner.  Away from all of the people.  As I rounded the corner I saw two butt cheeks.  Just staring right at me.  I mean, come one.  It was way too early to be greeted with cheeks before I've even had my coffee.  Especially a strangers cheeks. ( For some reason maybe I would have been more receptive if I had known the cheeks, but actually I'm not sure..)  I'm kind of caught off guard.  I don't want to look at the cheeks, but I don't want to make eye contact either.  Tough situation.  I had a dash of inner panic. Wasn't sure what to do.  So I made awkward eye contact.  So awkward that I think the girl thought I was looking at her butt...  Good lord.  Now I feel like the bad one.  Hello??  I am fully clothed and I feel bad.  What the junk?  So I proceeded to my locker.  Awkwardly pretending I was listening to music.  Unfortunately naked lady was applying her deodorant right behind me..  I turned around only to realize that she was now wearing some clothes.  Well, I wouldn't call it clothes.  It was a thong.  Let me be the first to say that those do not supply the most coverage one would like.  Uggg.  Great, now I have a thong walking in front of me.  Not awesome.  Where are you supposed to even point your eyes when you have a neon thong in front of you??  I finally made it out of there and on to exercise.

Afterwards I made my way back into the locker room to shower.  Once again, fate had it's way with me.  I went to my little section to find more nakedness.  Worse nakedness than before.  This lady must have just been air drying or something.  She was standing in the middle of the lockers straight up naked.  I mean, I saw things that I never wanted to see.  How do you even pretend not to notice??  I may have to practice this because I am horrible at it.  I probably turned bright read or averted my eyes so blatantly.  I walked by and hit my shin on the bench and frantically dropped the f bomb by accident.  Only to have her turn around and look at me.  Full frontal.  Terrible mistake.  (I'm not saying she looked bad by any means.  I just don't enjoy being 2 feet from someone's boobs.) (Just saying).  I could not for the life of me get my combo lock to work.  My hands were all shaky because I was having inner panic.  The lady was like 1 foot from me.  She was patting baby powder everywhere...  See what I'm seeing here??  I kept hearing pat pat pat..  I could see the mist from the powder from the corner of my eye.  She was blocking where I put my iPhone so I had to awkwardly scoot around her.  I was petrified we would touch...  Good lord.  I was dying.  I am the person who takes all of their shiz into the shower and changes in there.  No nakedness over here.  I don't care if I was looking like a Victoria Secret model.  I will not go prancing around the ladies room letting it all hang out, traumatizing innocent 28 year olds...  Finally I made it to the showers.  I made sure to take a long ass shower so naked lady would have made her dismount by the time I emerged from the stall.  Thankfully, when I got out, fully clothed women were in there doing their makeup.  Thank God.  I survived another day.  (Hope I did not offend you)

Don't let it all hang out,


  1. Oh Lord...this happens to me also and it is so awkward and assuming and way too early for that situation...put on the music and zone out...that's my move;) Mandy

  2. Oh my gosh I am DYING. Well done.

    PS - I just figured out that we go to the same gym! See ya on the track :)

  3. You are absolutely hilarious Sarah Sass - good seeing you this week, hope to catch up more soon!