Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Friday, May 25, 2012

Off the Reservation

I'm going to lay down a situation.  It happened to me on the job last week.  I will try and be as vague as possible so that this said person hopefully never comes across this.  I'm also going to tell it directly from my perspective.  Which was very dramatic in this "said" situation.  Here goes.

Monday afternoon, I absolutely dread going to my next inspection. Why?  Because its in damn Monk's Corner.  The country part.  Most of you are probably lucky to never visit these yonder parts.  I pull down the drive in search of the correct gates. I pass beautiful entrances. I come to the end of the road.  To a nasty pair of gates with rusty chains.  I got a bad feeling.  Deep down in my inner princess, I knew the were the gates that would lead me to my next hour's destiny.  I wasn't ready to concede just yet.  I went up and down the road a few times. Called the owner.  He is running 30 minutes late.  Oh joy.  He declares the nasty gates are indeed his.  Great.  Can't wait.  So I sit on the side of the dirt road and call Momma Steph Bosch. I give her my whereabouts and tell her to call the cops if she doesn't hear from me in an hour or so.  I called her bc she is the only person that would most likely remember me and the fact I was about to enter the woods to an unknown house with an unknown man.  Doesn't that sound like so much fun??  Finally this truck comes flying around the corner and slams on brakes right in front of the gates.  Good Lord. Almost died before I have even gone into the woods... Things are looking great.

He hops out.  Tall, pony tail.  Indian.  Alright, cool.  Looks like a cool dude.  Says follow him to the house. The driveway went on for miles....  He was hauling butt.  I lost him a few times.  We pull up.  Awesome.  Not- a ginormous, elevated log cabin.  Sweet, I will find exactly 0 comparable log cabin sales in the area. Whoopppy.  I hop out. Introduce myself.  I get to work.  He stays beside me.  Pet peeve- when people stalk me as I measure. Gah, I need some space people.  He talked my ear off. Told me he was secluded and lonely. His wife left him. I was his social event of the week.  Great. he is going to kidnap me.  Or kill me. No biggie.  We go into the garage.  Full of cats.  Like minimum of 23 cats and kittens.  Oh Gosh.  What are these for I ask.  "I talk to them and use them."  Oh gosh.  Help.  Would you like to see some other animals?  Not so much...  We turn the corner.  Goats.  More friends...
After forever we go inside.  I am hauling butt.  Never has anyone measured a log cabin like this chica... 
Then my heart plunges as I realize I must go down to the enclosed garage.  It was pretty much like a scene of some horrific 70's scary movie that I will never watch.  It's dark.  he is following me down. I am imagining what will happen and searching for any methods of escape.  He flips on the lights. Black lights. Everywhere. Here it comes. I love you mom and dad.  It's been a great 26 years.  Don't pay the ransom.  Just live free.  He comments on how cool the black lights are.  He leads me into the hang out room.  I look for ropes and weapons... He starts talking to me about the black lights and murals and drums.. I begin to slowly back up.  Forget to breathe.  All of a sudden something touches my back.  I literally screamed bloody murder and he jumped back about 10 feet. I whip around in my ninja Betty position. Damn beaded doorway!!!  I have lost all amounts of composure by this point.  I get my measurements and tell him that I have to go.  I also lied and told him that our office tracks our iPhone.  Isn't that cool?  Geez.  Once outside he shows me one more thing.  nooooooo.  I round the corner through the woods. 2 flipping legit tee pees.  I begin to realize that I am indeed in the twilight zone and my job is ridonculous. I also realize that he possibly uses the animals in the teepees.  Animal ritual stuff...he shared some indian stuff while measuring.  Panic sets in.  I have just about lost it and tell him that I must go to another appointment and that my dad was calling.... I broke the new Volvo in and hauled some sass right off the reservation.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my I am glad you are okay!!!! sorry it was so spooky and know you were scared to death, but dang girl you tell a great story.