Dear Brother: THANKFUL

I honestly can't believe it has been a whole year.  I can't believe this many days have passed since I've seen that mischievous smile or heard that voice.  I truly can't believe it.  I don't know if I actually ever will.  This has been one hell of a year that is for damn sure.  I don't even know where to start.

I thought that I wanted to erase this year from my memory. I thought that I would never get it.  I thought that there would be a Rob sized hole in my heart forever.  I thought that I would forever want to punch Jesus in the face.  I thought that we wouldn't be tough enough to do this thing right.  I thought that God let me down.  I thought that I would not be able to say good bye.  I thought wrong.

This has been the hardest and most painful thing to walk through.  I hope that I (or you) never have to again.  But we will.  I can't tell you the amount of times that I just wanted to have 2 more minutes.  Just two minutes.  What I wouldn't give.  I want to tell him how much he means to me. I want to tell him how much I love and value him.  I want to tell him how special he is.  I want to tell him he is the strongest person I know.  What I truly want to tell him is that he has changed my life FOREVER.  

It's hard to put into words something like this.  Never have I felt so desperate or sad.  Yet, I felt a closeness to God.  I felt horrible and disappointed, yet I felt like somehow (out of my own comprehension) God has had me the whole time.  I will never understand why, but I understand something else.  I understand that it is worth it.  Rob is worth it.  God is worth it.  I understand that to love greatly is to risk greatly.  To love greatly is to lose greatly.  Following God and loving people is vulnerable.  It is one of the scariest risks we take.  But, we do it.  We do it because He first loved us.  It is what we were created to do.  It is how we were created to live.  

Losing Rob is the hardest thing I have ever experienced.  When Rob died I had never been so truly heartbroken.  I had never been so completely out of control.  I had never been so desperate or faithless.  I had never been so sad.  I had never been dependent on God. In fact, I had never needed God. I had never trusted Him fully.  I had never doubted more. But, I am different now.  Things are far from perfect, but things are different.  There is a depth that I never knew before.  There is a knowing that I have never known.  And for that I am eternally THANKFUL. 

I am thankful for hope.  I have never had a real hope for something more.  I know our boy is whole and healed and is truly living the way he was made to live.  That is where my hope is.  I am thankful that I had to come  to the end of my own self to realize that I had to die to self and rely on something greater. I realized that self sufficiency was getting me absolutely nowhere.  I am thankful for a peace that passes all understanding.  I am thankful for relationship.  The friendship and love that has come through this year is truly an act of God.  And I am forever grateful.  I am thankful for so many things.

I am thankful to have known the toughest boy ever.  I am so thankful for the boat rides, the grilled cheeses at Pitt St, the terrifying truck rides and the jokes.  I am thankful for having to have gotten to have our last Thanksgiving breakfast and listening to your complete nonsense on crocs and online shopping.  Those are things that I will keep with me always. 

What I cherish the most is knowing that Rob is not gone.  He is far from it.  Rob is a part of my heart.  We are so lucky to have gotten the chance to know him.  I want to be a better person because of him.  I want to be strong and tough because he fought harder than I ever could. Rob fought the scariest fight.  I want to love people because he did. I want to have hope.  I want to know and believe that God is sovereign and that He has us.  Always.  I want to fully trust.  I want to love greatly.  Because he is worth it.  God is worth it  We are worth it. We have a chance to do life with each other.  Every single day.  We have a chance to save lives.  We have a chance to change lives.  IT IS WORTH EVERYTHING. So that is where I am right now.  I'm still heartbroken.  I miss him everyday and think about him all of the time.  I don' know that I will ever be able to say goodbye.  I'm still angry and I still have questions.  I miss him every single day. But, I know that its ok.  I know that he is a part of me forever.  I know that it was worth it and my heart has been changed forever.  I know that God has Rob.  And I know that God has me. And for that, I am forever thankful. 

Missing you Rob Shore.
Love you brother.

The let down

Oh Monday.  I've decided that you are not in my top ten today.  I'm diagnosing myself with "the let down." This past weekend we had our St. Andrews Women's Retreat.  We journeyed back to the grand strand. And now I'm back in the real world and I am dragging along..


I love the retreat for a whole lot of reasons (like eating cinnamon pop tarts). I wish I could say it was solely based on the talks and the super spiritual stuff, but that would be a big fat lie. Don't get me wrong because I do like those, but they are not my main deal.  My main deal is the people.  Most of my people are located in one spot. This NEVER happens.  I forget how excited I get to see lots of my favorites in one geographical location.  I was standing on the hotel porch and could see everyone coming in and I was about to explode. The retreat is my favorite because it doesn't matter what happens except time with my people is always amazing.  I don't think I went to bed before 2:30 am Thurs through Sunday.  I couldn't bare to miss a minute.  I love hanging out in every one's rooms, eating together and then jaw jacking way past my bed time with the world's best roommate.  I got to have one of the BEST car rides of my 28 years so far. Imagine a suburban full of Becky, Susalee, Dot, Marilyn, Anne and Beth M. Getting lost in the most intense fog and having the most hilarious conversations. I thought I was going to keel over.  I wrote a blog about "the table" a while back. It was about being in community with each other and having a place to gather.  Being with the friends I love is my table. (And I would love to sit at it 24/7).  It could be in a kitchen or it could be sitting around a sketchy hotel laughing until you literally CAN NOT BREATHE.  We can talk and pass the time like champions. Plus all of the funny side things that happen are priceless.  I can't even begin to tell you.  If you haven't had the pleasure of hearing a Mandy Norris story than you haven't fully lived.  Seriously. I feel sorry for you.


Lately I've been learning about the Body of Christ. Sorry, I'm about to take this spiritual. (Just for a sec)  I knew I always liked my people, but I never realized how important they are.  God made us to be in community. He made us to need each other. Even though our culture craves and demands independence, we were created to be dependent on God and one another.  He actually wants us to need help and to need each other.  We were created to serve and receive. God made us to love one another.  Knowing that this is actually in the Bible is freaking awesome.  I could not have survived this year and learned what I learned without my people. I truly think that friendship is one of the most precious gifts. (I sound cheesy and I know it. Sorry I'm not sorry)  We have a chance to change some one's life.  I think that's pretty dang cool. 


Any ways.  That's all I've got.  I can't believe I have to wait a whole nother year...


Stay Cool.

Happy

Happy belated to some of my favorites:)

 

in the Woods

Ok, so I have fallen off of the blog wagon...  I'm a bit behind.. lots to fill you in on, but I'm way too tired tonight.

Sometime in January some of my favorite fams and I got to head down to the Wallaces place to play in the woods.  It was awesome.  We ate lots, rode four wheelers and just hung out.  I loved it.  Except for the part when Virginia, Meg and I were lost on the four wheeler on neighboring property. Ranks up there in my top worst life experiences.. but, alas we found our way back..  Here are some of my favorite pics:

People of the gym: BOOBS

Every time I go to the gym I get a little touch of anxiety.  There are many reasons for this.  However, there is always one that is consistent. Nakedness.  At some point in my time there, I usually happen upon a naked person.  So far I've been lucky in that it has been limited to the women's locker room. I dread ending the workout (which is a miracle) and heading to the locker room.  I hold my breathe as I round the corner and come head on with the big mirrors. Usually I make extremely awkward eye contact via the mirror with a naked woman.  Seriously disturbing.  I just don't think I would ever be comfortable standing buck-ass-naked in a room full of people.  No matter how rock hard my body would be.  Nope. I don't see it happening.  Any ways. I made it through the mirror area harm free only to be stopped dead in my tracks.  There she was.  I would guess she was in her 50's.  NAKED.  Right in front of my locker.  ( I have to give her credit- she def looking good for her decade) (I mean that in the most normal way possible.)  Alas, I would have to talk to this person... Clearly I am the only person on earth that is uncomfortable with this because there are herds of naked people in this locker room on a daily basis. I casually make my way near my locker.  We make extremely awkward eye contact.  I begin to ask her if I could slide by.  Immediately she faces me.  Basically her giant boobs were looking me right in the eye.  Like right at me. At this point I just have no idea where to look.  It was just too awkward.  Finally, in moderate inner panic I get to my locker.  I was in such a tizzy that it took me forever to figure out how to open my lock. Pretty sure I stopped breathing at some point.  Then came the worst.  As I was putting my phone in my bag and gathering my things, the lady was putting on a sock and somehow lost her balance.  Of course, me being the closest to her, she kind of used me to prop her up quick.  In one slight motion her boob touched my arm.  I was undone.  Seriously.  A strangers boob plopped on my bare arm.  Un cool.  I'm no prude, but a stranger's boob on the bare skin is a deal breaker for me.  Of course we then made weird eye contact once again.  I'm pretty sure my voice was doing it's 13 yr old crack when I helped her back up.  I then sprinted to the showers and tried to burn the images from my mind.  Just another day...

Confession

Well, I'm about to shame myself.  I have a confession. I don't normally get envious.  But, let me tell you.  I got myself into the dumbest, most ridiculous tornado of envy yesterday.  Somehow I have started following these two people who shall remain nameless on instagram. I don't know them.  But, I was pretty fascinated from the beginning. Good friends, pretty people, interesting hobbies, good photos, cute husbands and fly fishing.  I was hooked right away. Recently I discovered their blogs. Sadly, I admit that I have now probably read every post... Lord.  I promise I am not a stalker...  Sad I know.  Well, all of a sudden, yesterday I just got into this funk.  I mean, it was worse than I care to admit.  I was being an inner biatch.  Comparison.  NEVER DO IT.  FOR REAL. LISTEN TO ME.....  It never turns out well.  Out of nowhere, all of my distorted thinking was back on like donkey kong.  How come I am not doing these things? They have cool clothes. Cool animals.  They bee keep and grow their own food. Cool houses. Cool husbands.  Cool coffee shops.  They get to be best friends every single day and do what appears to be really cool things.  I think the two couples may even live in the same cool house.  Dang. How do I do this?  I am not cool. I probs don't dress cool.  I don't have a house. I don't have a cool job. I am scared of bees.  I like meat. I am not artsy.  I don't have a cool husband.  I always feel judged for hanging with my people.  (I'm good with not sharing a house)  All of these dumb thoughts were anchored in my mind.  Finally, I realized I was being an idiot.  Who cares?  I think its cool that these people get to hang every day and get to have fun.  I let stupid instagram pics make me think that life there was perfect and that I was somehow missing out.  I haven't fallen pray to the perfect pics = perfect life deal in a while.  Man was I caught.  Finally, after discussing with my trusty friend, I realized that yes, I did get into a bit of a funk, all was still good.  I have climbed back out of the hungry pit of comparison and I am back to my normal life...  I have friends. I have a job.  I love where I live.  I will be okay...  Sometimes you just need a damn good pep talk.  Just thought I would share.  Maybe spare someone from falling into the same pit.


Stay classy.

Fare thee Well

2013, fare the well.  Get the junk out of here.  Sorry for the blog absence. I'll try and get back on the horse.. I'll be honest, I've been dreading posting for quite a while now.  I've been dreading it because all I had to say about this past year was pretty bad and I didn't want to overload you with negativity or lead you to believe I am an eor.  I may have thought you wouldn't like me anymore or something. Nonsense.  So I've tried to find the middle of the road.  Here goes:

If I wrote a Christmas letter, this would be it...

Dear People,

Happy new year. I'll just be frank, I got bitch slapped by 2013.  For real.  Like a pansy.  I am pretty tough, but I cried uncle on a shiz ton of occasions.  I've been trying to figure out some worthwhile things to make 2013 feel a little more legit.  So bare with me.

I lost a dear friend.  A brother.  This is hands down one of the hardest, truest and realist things I've experienced.  It is very hard to describe.  I saw the worst of myself and I saw the best.  I saw where my faith was nothing and I saw where it was all that I had.  There is no way to describe the uncontrollable feeling of helplessness and hopelessness when losing someone.  Especially someone so full of life.  It is gutwrenching and heartbreaking and you feel like it will never end.  Sometimes you want to punch Jesus in the face (or maybe its just me). But, some how, in the tiniest part of your heart, there is a tee tiny bit of hope.  Just enough to keep you in it. To keep you asking.  Just enough to tell your heart that it's ok.  Everyday I remind myself that I was one of the lucky ones.  One of the lucky ones that got to know Rob.  I got to call him my friend.  One of the biggest blessings I can imagine.

My car.  This was the flipping thorn in my side.  I bought a Tahoe the day after Rob died and it plagued me ever since.  After 9 weeks of it being in the shop and cruising around in a Buick, we found out it had been flooded in hurricane Sandy and was a POS.  My nemesis.  Finally it was taken out of my hands after breaking down on me several times after being "fixed" and luckily I landed a dream car.  One that wouldn't shut off on the interstate and leave you playing frogger.  Or give you the death shake for 5 hours on the way home from the mountains.. I think the whole car thing was definitely a growing experience...

Mumford and Sons.  I love them.  The day I found out Rob died, I watched a concert on TV and I haven't been the same since.  They are the real deal and I am 100% sucked in.  I got to see them with a friend this fall and it was INCREDIBLE. 

The girl palace.  Sadly the girl palace came to an end after 3.5 good years with some awesome people.  I think this was one of those sad, but good, end of a season type deals.

Gryffindor tower.  It has been lovely.  I'm sad to report that it is no longer.  The Wags are moving.  I am happy for them.  But still sad.  It has been a little refuge up there on the 3rd floor.  Luckily I will be going to Gryffindor By The Sea for a few months, but will then be on the hunt for a new home.  Any one know of anything?

This year has been by far the worst I've ever had.  I hope yours was much better.  I happened upon the end of myself more times than I thought possible.  Sorry to be a downer, but that's some truth.  But, I've been trying to find the positive...  Here we go.  I'd say the big things I've learned the most this year are friendship and hope. 

Let's talk about friendship.  I have learned a lot on this in a short time.  I have become super appreciative of good friends, community, family and belonging.  I feel like in all of the crap, the Lord blessed me with some incredible friendships.  Friendships that I was not expecting or didn't even know I needed.  Hands down, I think friendships are what got me through this year.  I have never felt so free, at home and loved and it is awesome.  There is no greater thing than unconditional love.  I just love good people.  There.

Hope.  This one sounds bad, but I promise it's not.  The Lord and some others have helped me where I didn't know I needed it.  There were places that I just felt hopeless about without even knowing that's what was happening.  I was in a negative spiral and couldn't even get to the end of it.  There are some areas that I had to reconcile with myself and it was not pretty.   But, weirdly, in the places I felt completely hopeless things started to change.  Even just a hair.  But, it was enough that I found the teeniest bit of hope.   A hope that  makes you want to do things differently. Makes you want to do things that you never thought that you could.  It makes you believe that you can do something.  I felt like I'd lost this little part of me. But, guess what? Not so much.  It's still in there:) Sorry, I know that sounds super cheesy, but it's legit.

So my thoughts on 2014 are as follows.  Restoration.  I am HOPING for restoration.  2013 bitch slapped me and broke my heart (and my spirit).  I'm hoping with a little grace and time, 2014 could be a year of restoration. How's that sound?

3013 I bid you farewell.  Do not come back.
Peace and blessings,
Sarah