Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Fare thee Well

2013, fare the well.  Get the junk out of here.  Sorry for the blog absence. I'll try and get back on the horse.. I'll be honest, I've been dreading posting for quite a while now.  I've been dreading it because all I had to say about this past year was pretty bad and I didn't want to overload you with negativity or lead you to believe I am an eor.  I may have thought you wouldn't like me anymore or something. Nonsense.  So I've tried to find the middle of the road.  Here goes:

If I wrote a Christmas letter, this would be it...

Dear People,

Happy new year. I'll just be frank, I got bitch slapped by 2013.  For real.  Like a pansy.  I am pretty tough, but I cried uncle on a shiz ton of occasions.  I've been trying to figure out some worthwhile things to make 2013 feel a little more legit.  So bare with me.

I lost a dear friend.  A brother.  This is hands down one of the hardest, truest and realist things I've experienced.  It is very hard to describe.  I saw the worst of myself and I saw the best.  I saw where my faith was nothing and I saw where it was all that I had.  There is no way to describe the uncontrollable feeling of helplessness and hopelessness when losing someone.  Especially someone so full of life.  It is gutwrenching and heartbreaking and you feel like it will never end.  Sometimes you want to punch Jesus in the face (or maybe its just me). But, some how, in the tiniest part of your heart, there is a tee tiny bit of hope.  Just enough to keep you in it. To keep you asking.  Just enough to tell your heart that it's ok.  Everyday I remind myself that I was one of the lucky ones.  One of the lucky ones that got to know Rob.  I got to call him my friend.  One of the biggest blessings I can imagine.

My car.  This was the flipping thorn in my side.  I bought a Tahoe the day after Rob died and it plagued me ever since.  After 9 weeks of it being in the shop and cruising around in a Buick, we found out it had been flooded in hurricane Sandy and was a POS.  My nemesis.  Finally it was taken out of my hands after breaking down on me several times after being "fixed" and luckily I landed a dream car.  One that wouldn't shut off on the interstate and leave you playing frogger.  Or give you the death shake for 5 hours on the way home from the mountains.. I think the whole car thing was definitely a growing experience...

Mumford and Sons.  I love them.  The day I found out Rob died, I watched a concert on TV and I haven't been the same since.  They are the real deal and I am 100% sucked in.  I got to see them with a friend this fall and it was INCREDIBLE. 

The girl palace.  Sadly the girl palace came to an end after 3.5 good years with some awesome people.  I think this was one of those sad, but good, end of a season type deals.

Gryffindor tower.  It has been lovely.  I'm sad to report that it is no longer.  The Wags are moving.  I am happy for them.  But still sad.  It has been a little refuge up there on the 3rd floor.  Luckily I will be going to Gryffindor By The Sea for a few months, but will then be on the hunt for a new home.  Any one know of anything?

This year has been by far the worst I've ever had.  I hope yours was much better.  I happened upon the end of myself more times than I thought possible.  Sorry to be a downer, but that's some truth.  But, I've been trying to find the positive...  Here we go.  I'd say the big things I've learned the most this year are friendship and hope. 

Let's talk about friendship.  I have learned a lot on this in a short time.  I have become super appreciative of good friends, community, family and belonging.  I feel like in all of the crap, the Lord blessed me with some incredible friendships.  Friendships that I was not expecting or didn't even know I needed.  Hands down, I think friendships are what got me through this year.  I have never felt so free, at home and loved and it is awesome.  There is no greater thing than unconditional love.  I just love good people.  There.

Hope.  This one sounds bad, but I promise it's not.  The Lord and some others have helped me where I didn't know I needed it.  There were places that I just felt hopeless about without even knowing that's what was happening.  I was in a negative spiral and couldn't even get to the end of it.  There are some areas that I had to reconcile with myself and it was not pretty.   But, weirdly, in the places I felt completely hopeless things started to change.  Even just a hair.  But, it was enough that I found the teeniest bit of hope.   A hope that  makes you want to do things differently. Makes you want to do things that you never thought that you could.  It makes you believe that you can do something.  I felt like I'd lost this little part of me. But, guess what? Not so much.  It's still in there:) Sorry, I know that sounds super cheesy, but it's legit.

So my thoughts on 2014 are as follows.  Restoration.  I am HOPING for restoration.  2013 bitch slapped me and broke my heart (and my spirit).  I'm hoping with a little grace and time, 2014 could be a year of restoration. How's that sound?

3013 I bid you farewell.  Do not come back.
Peace and blessings,

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