Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

People of the gym: BOOBS

Every time I go to the gym I get a little touch of anxiety.  There are many reasons for this.  However, there is always one that is consistent. Nakedness.  At some point in my time there, I usually happen upon a naked person.  So far I've been lucky in that it has been limited to the women's locker room. I dread ending the workout (which is a miracle) and heading to the locker room.  I hold my breathe as I round the corner and come head on with the big mirrors. Usually I make extremely awkward eye contact via the mirror with a naked woman.  Seriously disturbing.  I just don't think I would ever be comfortable standing buck-ass-naked in a room full of people.  No matter how rock hard my body would be.  Nope. I don't see it happening.  Any ways. I made it through the mirror area harm free only to be stopped dead in my tracks.  There she was.  I would guess she was in her 50's.  NAKED.  Right in front of my locker.  ( I have to give her credit- she def looking good for her decade) (I mean that in the most normal way possible.)  Alas, I would have to talk to this person... Clearly I am the only person on earth that is uncomfortable with this because there are herds of naked people in this locker room on a daily basis. I casually make my way near my locker.  We make extremely awkward eye contact.  I begin to ask her if I could slide by.  Immediately she faces me.  Basically her giant boobs were looking me right in the eye.  Like right at me. At this point I just have no idea where to look.  It was just too awkward.  Finally, in moderate inner panic I get to my locker.  I was in such a tizzy that it took me forever to figure out how to open my lock. Pretty sure I stopped breathing at some point.  Then came the worst.  As I was putting my phone in my bag and gathering my things, the lady was putting on a sock and somehow lost her balance.  Of course, me being the closest to her, she kind of used me to prop her up quick.  In one slight motion her boob touched my arm.  I was undone.  Seriously.  A strangers boob plopped on my bare arm.  Un cool.  I'm no prude, but a stranger's boob on the bare skin is a deal breaker for me.  Of course we then made weird eye contact once again.  I'm pretty sure my voice was doing it's 13 yr old crack when I helped her back up.  I then sprinted to the showers and tried to burn the images from my mind.  Just another day...

Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Well, I'm about to shame myself.  I have a confession. I don't normally get envious.  But, let me tell you.  I got myself into the dumbest, most ridiculous tornado of envy yesterday.  Somehow I have started following these two people who shall remain nameless on instagram. I don't know them.  But, I was pretty fascinated from the beginning. Good friends, pretty people, interesting hobbies, good photos, cute husbands and fly fishing.  I was hooked right away. Recently I discovered their blogs. Sadly, I admit that I have now probably read every post... Lord.  I promise I am not a stalker...  Sad I know.  Well, all of a sudden, yesterday I just got into this funk.  I mean, it was worse than I care to admit.  I was being an inner biatch.  Comparison.  NEVER DO IT.  FOR REAL. LISTEN TO ME.....  It never turns out well.  Out of nowhere, all of my distorted thinking was back on like donkey kong.  How come I am not doing these things? They have cool clothes. Cool animals.  They bee keep and grow their own food. Cool houses. Cool husbands.  Cool coffee shops.  They get to be best friends every single day and do what appears to be really cool things.  I think the two couples may even live in the same cool house.  Dang. How do I do this?  I am not cool. I probs don't dress cool.  I don't have a house. I don't have a cool job. I am scared of bees.  I like meat. I am not artsy.  I don't have a cool husband.  I always feel judged for hanging with my people.  (I'm good with not sharing a house)  All of these dumb thoughts were anchored in my mind.  Finally, I realized I was being an idiot.  Who cares?  I think its cool that these people get to hang every day and get to have fun.  I let stupid instagram pics make me think that life there was perfect and that I was somehow missing out.  I haven't fallen pray to the perfect pics = perfect life deal in a while.  Man was I caught.  Finally, after discussing with my trusty friend, I realized that yes, I did get into a bit of a funk, all was still good.  I have climbed back out of the hungry pit of comparison and I am back to my normal life...  I have friends. I have a job.  I love where I live.  I will be okay...  Sometimes you just need a damn good pep talk.  Just thought I would share.  Maybe spare someone from falling into the same pit.

Stay classy.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Fare thee Well

2013, fare the well.  Get the junk out of here.  Sorry for the blog absence. I'll try and get back on the horse.. I'll be honest, I've been dreading posting for quite a while now.  I've been dreading it because all I had to say about this past year was pretty bad and I didn't want to overload you with negativity or lead you to believe I am an eor.  I may have thought you wouldn't like me anymore or something. Nonsense.  So I've tried to find the middle of the road.  Here goes:

If I wrote a Christmas letter, this would be it...

Dear People,

Happy new year. I'll just be frank, I got bitch slapped by 2013.  For real.  Like a pansy.  I am pretty tough, but I cried uncle on a shiz ton of occasions.  I've been trying to figure out some worthwhile things to make 2013 feel a little more legit.  So bare with me.

I lost a dear friend.  A brother.  This is hands down one of the hardest, truest and realist things I've experienced.  It is very hard to describe.  I saw the worst of myself and I saw the best.  I saw where my faith was nothing and I saw where it was all that I had.  There is no way to describe the uncontrollable feeling of helplessness and hopelessness when losing someone.  Especially someone so full of life.  It is gutwrenching and heartbreaking and you feel like it will never end.  Sometimes you want to punch Jesus in the face (or maybe its just me). But, some how, in the tiniest part of your heart, there is a tee tiny bit of hope.  Just enough to keep you in it. To keep you asking.  Just enough to tell your heart that it's ok.  Everyday I remind myself that I was one of the lucky ones.  One of the lucky ones that got to know Rob.  I got to call him my friend.  One of the biggest blessings I can imagine.

My car.  This was the flipping thorn in my side.  I bought a Tahoe the day after Rob died and it plagued me ever since.  After 9 weeks of it being in the shop and cruising around in a Buick, we found out it had been flooded in hurricane Sandy and was a POS.  My nemesis.  Finally it was taken out of my hands after breaking down on me several times after being "fixed" and luckily I landed a dream car.  One that wouldn't shut off on the interstate and leave you playing frogger.  Or give you the death shake for 5 hours on the way home from the mountains.. I think the whole car thing was definitely a growing experience...

Mumford and Sons.  I love them.  The day I found out Rob died, I watched a concert on TV and I haven't been the same since.  They are the real deal and I am 100% sucked in.  I got to see them with a friend this fall and it was INCREDIBLE. 

The girl palace.  Sadly the girl palace came to an end after 3.5 good years with some awesome people.  I think this was one of those sad, but good, end of a season type deals.

Gryffindor tower.  It has been lovely.  I'm sad to report that it is no longer.  The Wags are moving.  I am happy for them.  But still sad.  It has been a little refuge up there on the 3rd floor.  Luckily I will be going to Gryffindor By The Sea for a few months, but will then be on the hunt for a new home.  Any one know of anything?

This year has been by far the worst I've ever had.  I hope yours was much better.  I happened upon the end of myself more times than I thought possible.  Sorry to be a downer, but that's some truth.  But, I've been trying to find the positive...  Here we go.  I'd say the big things I've learned the most this year are friendship and hope. 

Let's talk about friendship.  I have learned a lot on this in a short time.  I have become super appreciative of good friends, community, family and belonging.  I feel like in all of the crap, the Lord blessed me with some incredible friendships.  Friendships that I was not expecting or didn't even know I needed.  Hands down, I think friendships are what got me through this year.  I have never felt so free, at home and loved and it is awesome.  There is no greater thing than unconditional love.  I just love good people.  There.

Hope.  This one sounds bad, but I promise it's not.  The Lord and some others have helped me where I didn't know I needed it.  There were places that I just felt hopeless about without even knowing that's what was happening.  I was in a negative spiral and couldn't even get to the end of it.  There are some areas that I had to reconcile with myself and it was not pretty.   But, weirdly, in the places I felt completely hopeless things started to change.  Even just a hair.  But, it was enough that I found the teeniest bit of hope.   A hope that  makes you want to do things differently. Makes you want to do things that you never thought that you could.  It makes you believe that you can do something.  I felt like I'd lost this little part of me. But, guess what? Not so much.  It's still in there:) Sorry, I know that sounds super cheesy, but it's legit.

So my thoughts on 2014 are as follows.  Restoration.  I am HOPING for restoration.  2013 bitch slapped me and broke my heart (and my spirit).  I'm hoping with a little grace and time, 2014 could be a year of restoration. How's that sound?

3013 I bid you farewell.  Do not come back.
Peace and blessings,