Thoughts.

So there's a lot going on over here. I really don't even know where to start. Half of me wants to lay it all out on here, and then the other rational half is not quite feeling that way. Honestly, all week I have been trying to process everything. And it has not been pretty. At all. I've ugly cried more than I thought was possible. But, I'll save all of that for later. All through this whole thing I have been dealing with emotions that I didn't even know that I had. Bottom line is this: Deep down somewhere in here, I know that the Lord is in this. I know that the Lord has me. I know that it is going to be alright. But I'm just not there yet. Because I know that the Lord is in it, I have felt this weirdo, supernatural freedom to hash this all out. So many things have come out of all of this. Things that I didn't even know about. Some things that I have been hiding from. But, the truth is this- as awful and hard and painful as this is all going to be- it's going to be good. That's all I can say for now. Today's Jesus Calling really got me today.

"Let Me help you through this day.  The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone.  You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face.  This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence.  Actually, this choice is continually before you, but difficulties highlight the decision-making process. So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials.  These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone."

I am so exhausted and angry and confused and unsure, but I know that I don't want to go it alone.  Truth is, I've never felt like I've ever needed God before now.  Not that I didn't want Him.  I just figured that he wasn't going to talk to me personally.  And I was okay with that.  Because, I knew deep down, that I was tough enough to deal.  With anything.  Well here is a shocker.  That is not the case.  I've never needed Him to show up more now than ever.  Really.  And somewhere deep, down, I am expecting Him to.  So that's where I am tonight.  Sad, but hopeful.