Over the last few weeks, I would not be lying if I told you that I have probably processed more emotions, thoughts, concerns etc than I have in my entire life. Frankly, I am EXHAUSTED. This is the first time that I think I have ever just let myself deal. Or I guess I should say that I have even let God deal with me. Normally, a day or two after something terrible, I put my big girl boots on and truck on. By the grace of God, that has not happened this time. Thanks to some dear friends, I have been encouraged to process this whole deal. I can proudly say that I feel it. ALL of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the tired, the longing, the mad, even the joy. All of it. Plus some. I miss my friend. My brother. Every time I see a black tundra on the road I think of him. Every time I hear a deep cough I turn around and am constantly let down. I have literally sat in front of Pitt St Pharmacy on more than one occasion and thought about the last time we went and gorged on grilled cheeses and salt and vinegar chips. I want to go to East Bay Deli every dang day and order The Citadel. Damn, if I don't think of him when I see every ugly pair of crocs. I've sunk so low as to listen to Tenacious D or Roy D. Mercer, only to be reminded of Rob. To be 100% completely honest, I am still in shock that this has all really happened. There. Said it. I know it has happened, but I still can't even begin to wrap my head around it. Probably because I don't want to believe it. I keep wishing that I had gotten up to Pittsburgh. Or that there could have been another face time. Or something. I've gotten so excited when I have found ridiculously inappropriate e cards and go to send them to him and it hits me all over again. But, I know none of that makes a difference. I just miss him.
The last few weeks have weirdly been the worst few weeks of my life, but they have also been the best. Super painful, but I wouldn't trade them. The Lord has shown me some things that I absolutely can't get away from. The first few days after Rob died, I was definitely the most vulnerable that I think I have ever been . Without even knowing it. I spent like 4 solid days on a sofa. It felt like time stood still and flew by at the same time. No idea how that works. Luckily, I've had a lot of help processing. It's interesting how you can have one huge event happen and the ripple effect is almost just as big. Life changing. You feel like you are getting run the flip over by a Mack truck, but you keep lying there, waiting for more. (I hope this is not depressing you). I knew when I was trying to process losing Rob, that the Lord was making me aware of