Here's the deal

Here's the deal.  Well, for today at least.  I have had a really hard time here.  I've wanted to write. I've not wanted to write. I've avoided.  Mostly, because I'm scared I would probably traumatize some of you with what I'd really like to say.  So I will try and tone it down today.  For your own protection.

Over the last few weeks, I would not be lying if I told you that I have probably processed more emotions, thoughts, concerns etc than I have in my entire life.  Frankly, I am EXHAUSTED.  This is the first time that I think I have ever just let myself deal.  Or I guess I should say that I have even let God deal with me.  Normally, a day or two after something terrible, I put my big girl boots on and truck on.  By the grace of God, that has not happened this time.  Thanks to some dear friends, I have been encouraged to process this whole deal.  I can proudly say that I feel it.  ALL of it.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the tired, the longing, the mad, even the joy.  All of it.  Plus some.  I miss my friend.  My brother.  Every time I see a black tundra on the road I think of him.  Every time I hear a deep cough I turn around and am constantly let down.  I have literally sat in front of Pitt St Pharmacy on more than one occasion and thought about the last time we went and gorged on grilled cheeses and salt and vinegar chips.  I want to go to East Bay Deli every dang day and order The Citadel.  Damn, if I don't think of him when I see every ugly pair of crocs.  I've sunk so low as to listen to Tenacious D or Roy D. Mercer, only to be reminded of Rob.  To be 100% completely honest, I am still in shock that this has all really happened. There.  Said it.  I know it has happened, but I still can't even begin to wrap my head around it.  Probably because I don't want to believe it.  I keep wishing that I had gotten up to Pittsburgh.  Or that there could have been another face time.  Or something.  I've gotten so excited when I have found ridiculously inappropriate e cards and go to send them to him and it hits me all over again.  But, I know none of that makes a difference.  I just miss him. 

The last few weeks have weirdly been the worst few weeks of my life, but they have also been the best.  Super painful, but I wouldn't trade them.  The Lord has shown me some things that I absolutely can't get away from.  The first few days after Rob died, I was definitely the most vulnerable that I think I have ever been .  Without even knowing it.  I spent like 4 solid days on a sofa.  It felt like time stood still and flew by at the same time.  No idea how that works.  Luckily, I've had a lot of help processing.  It's interesting how you can have one huge event happen and the ripple effect is almost just as big.  Life changing.  You feel like you are getting run the flip over by a Mack truck, but you keep lying there, waiting for more. (I hope this is not depressing you).  I knew when I was trying to process losing Rob, that the Lord was making me aware of some a million other things, and as painful as they were to get out, I knew that I needed to do it more than anything else.  By a long chain of events, I think the Lord stripped me of a lot of things/self protectors, so that I would be VULNERABLE.  The real vulnerable.  Sick to my stomach vulnerable..  Not my normal controlled vulnerable.  Complete loss of control over emotions, fear, self protection etc.  Crazy how that works.  The most crazy thing to me in all of this has been this:  As mad and pissed and sad as I have been I have known from the that horrible Tuesday morning, that the Lord has me in all of it.  As much as I resist Him, he is holding on to me.  And that has given me this weird freedom to hash this whole thing out.  To be really real here, I think that I have never actually needed God before.  I have wanted God, but it has been kind of like this weird long distance relationship.  I have never felt that peace before.  Until now.  When I have been the maddest, I have felt the most peace.  I literally was standing in church and decided that if Jesus walked in front of me- I would clock him. And if he got back up, I just might take another swing.. (I know, that is bad. and probs TMI).  But, it's the truth.  I couldn't sing the songs or say the prayers.  I was so mad.  So sad. So disappointed.  At an utter loss and felt hopeless.  But, in all of it I knew the my God had me.  I do not know how else to explain it.  I never got it when people talked about the "Peace that passes all understanding."  I think I am beginning to get it a little better today.  So that is where I am today.  Still sad.  Still mad.  Still disappointed.  But, I know the Lord is meeting me here.  And that is good enough. 

Thoughts.

So there's a lot going on over here. I really don't even know where to start. Half of me wants to lay it all out on here, and then the other rational half is not quite feeling that way. Honestly, all week I have been trying to process everything. And it has not been pretty. At all. I've ugly cried more than I thought was possible. But, I'll save all of that for later. All through this whole thing I have been dealing with emotions that I didn't even know that I had. Bottom line is this: Deep down somewhere in here, I know that the Lord is in this. I know that the Lord has me. I know that it is going to be alright. But I'm just not there yet. Because I know that the Lord is in it, I have felt this weirdo, supernatural freedom to hash this all out. So many things have come out of all of this. Things that I didn't even know about. Some things that I have been hiding from. But, the truth is this- as awful and hard and painful as this is all going to be- it's going to be good. That's all I can say for now. Today's Jesus Calling really got me today.

"Let Me help you through this day.  The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone.  You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face.  This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence.  Actually, this choice is continually before you, but difficulties highlight the decision-making process. So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials.  These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone."

I am so exhausted and angry and confused and unsure, but I know that I don't want to go it alone.  Truth is, I've never felt like I've ever needed God before now.  Not that I didn't want Him.  I just figured that he wasn't going to talk to me personally.  And I was okay with that.  Because, I knew deep down, that I was tough enough to deal.  With anything.  Well here is a shocker.  That is not the case.  I've never needed Him to show up more now than ever.  Really.  And somewhere deep, down, I am expecting Him to.  So that's where I am tonight.  Sad, but hopeful.