Crazy Train

That moment. When you know you have just hopped aboard the hot mess express. Actually more like the crazy train. I was full speed ahead on the crazy train yesterday. I do not know when I hopped aboard, but at some point I was driving that thing like a beast. I usually stay pretty steady, but I'll be honest, all the forces were working against me. I had to wake up at 5 for the gym (more on that next post), I'm eating healthy so therefore, I am HANGRY all the time and I took every tiny thing personally yesterday. Plus, I set off a silent alarm in a clients house at work, slammed my finger in the door and dropped my phone on a driveway. A while back, our bible study read the Bait of Satan and I kind of prided myself on usually not get offended. Well the tide has turned. Pride has been swallowed. I ended up taking the bait, hook, line and sinker. I even cried in Michaels. Ps- I HATE MICHAELS. Seriously. That joint gives me so much anxiety. And smells like fake cinnamon. Any who, the moral of my terrible day was that I took the bait and what I saw was ugly. My reactions, thoughts and feelings were pretty ugly. Plus, I couldn't fix myself. That is where the problem is. Instead of me trying to make myself better or not take things personally, I should've asked for help. Not driven around with road rage calling every single name on my favorites list. Thankfully no one answered.. (except you Stephen-Thank you)They would have probably had some form of PTSD. I should have stopped and asked for help. For clear thoughts. I should have even prayed one tee tiny little munchkin prayer. Nope. That would be way to easy. Instead I let it all stack on top of each other and then have an awesome melt down.. I realized that I do not always think clearly. Or positively. I also realized I actively try to protect my feelings from being hurt a lot. I also sometimes let totally DUMB things hurt my feelings. So today I woke up, went to the gym and then gave myself a pep talk. I need to be okay with myself the way I am. Good feelings or bad. I need to practice not getting worked up or going after the bait on first cast. I need to rely on God to work it out with me instead of me working it out with myself. I'm sure I will be back on the train one day soon, but today I am on the other side. Peace. PS- sorry for the absence. Might be back soon:)

Skinny Bitch: The Holy Hundred

So this post has been a LONG time coming and its long so hunker down or hit the x. I've been waiting 1.5 years to be exact. Last Thursday I had an incredibly awesome and spectacular moment as well as a complete breakdown. Here is a little background on the situation. You have read some prior posts about me doing HCC or as I like to call it "Fat Camp." (Hold your negative comments, we are all good). In my opinion, it is like voluntary imprisonment, but it is also the best thing that I have ever done. That actually sounds like having kids according to some friends.. I've been on this health/sweat/eat clean journey a while and a few weeks ago I hit my 80 lb loss mark. Ok, cool I thought. Then I got to 90. The I realized, "HOLY CRAP. I COULD ACTUALLY GET TO 100." This was such a foreign thought to me for so long. When I first started I was honest to God just lucky enough to get my ass to the freaking gym and walk. I hated it. I wanted to puke just getting on the Crosstown. I could not even utter the word "weight." Then I used to fear the exercise ball. I thought there was 100% chance of popping that shiz.. Month after month, fears dwindled and new ones sprouted, but by the help of good friends I still got there. Weeks turned into months and oddly enough, we are into years. When I first started I couldn't run. Mostly because I was embarrassed that I would look like one of the Chick fil A Cows shuffling around in a circle or my legs would break off. We have come a long way. When I first started I don't think I said one word there and if I did speak, it was not positive. I was definitely not on the prowl for new friends. Especially gym friends. The worst. Boy was I an idiot. Now, some of the toughest people I know I see at the gym almost everyday. Last week was the week. I was on track to reach my 100lb loss goal. I kind of turned into a raging psychopath. But, really. I was obsessed. If I did not get it who knows what would happen. It was all I could think about. I didn't even want to eat. I went to the gym way too many times and was the exact image of gym people that I want to punch in the throat. Some of you knew this and probably wanted to punch me in the throat last week. I was a complete maniac and on the brink of a meltdown. Enter said meltdown. Thursday is weigh in day. Go time. Its horrible and I hate it, but its what you have to do. And no its not public and you don't have to be naked or anything. But I still hate it. I got to the gym to do a last minute workout before weigh in. Things were going well. I was exhausted, hungry and tired. Probably not the most ideal situation. Things were going well. I was working out hard. I decided to get super introspective and carry 2 50lb dumbbells around the track. It seemed like a therapeutic idea at first. And then I started walking. I made it a quarter of the way around and had to just drop them. Crap those were heavy. I picked them back up and went another 10 yards. I made it about halfway and realized I was crying. It was HORRIBLE. I felt like I was going to die on the spot. Right then and there. WORST IDEA EVER. How was I going to finish.. You can't really exit easily and I knew deep down I'd be pissed if I quit. So I went another 10 yards and dropped them. My knees, hands, arms, hips and shoulders were screaming. I was wrecked. How the HELL did I carry this around every day for so long. There's no way. I don't know how something bad hadn't happened to me. Carrying those things really put it into perspective and I HATED every minute of it. I finally saw the end in sight and basically willed my body there and just dropped that junk right on the ground. I drug myself around the track crying and cussing. Praying no one came to say hey or ask me if I was going to hit the 100lb that night. Their life would have been in danger. I finally calmed down after walking 3 laps slower than I have ever walked. I mean, I felt like I got hit by a Mac truck. I made my way down to the weigh in. Do or die. I got on the scale and hit the 100 exactly. PTL. I felt such a relief. I have been really torn about this because on one hand I understand how cool and amazing losing 100lbs is. It was a ton of work and life change. It has not been easy in the least. However, I didn't know this was a possibility. At all. I had gotten to a place of no hope. I had super negative thinking and figured I'd probably just die in my sleep one day. It wasn't good. I had to ride around in my best friends car for hours before I could even say the word weight. (PS-she is a saint) I finally admitted that this whole deal was killing me ( I remember this like it was yesterday). Literally killing me and I hadn't told anyone any of this before. Mentally, physically and spiritually killing me. Luckily, we moved forward from there and got the ball rolling. So to have come from that is one of the coolest blessings and accomplishments ever. On the other hand, I was pretty upset that I had (and still have) all of that to lose. Its a hard thing to think about. And I most certainly do not enjoy talking about it. But, this is what keeps me going. I have a new goal. I have expectations and goals that I am going to meet. It will take time, but I am going to get there. Here is where I need to say thank you. Anne, I literally could and would not have set foot in that place if it weren't for you. Thank you for driving me around MTP and Sullys for hours upon hours just listening to me be a freak. Talk about a hot mess express. ALL ABOARD... But in all seriousness, thank you isn't close to being enough. Thanks for being my gym friend:) Mom and Dad and Lili, thanks for drinking the koolaid a long time ago and being supportive. Could not have done it without yall either. To my new gym friends and team Lucey family- you know who you are. Sorry if I came across as a biatch. I actually was one, but I promise I'm much better outside of that place. I do think I've softened a hair. Thanks for always pushing me and encouraging me no matter what. I see you more than most and I'm glad we are in this together. Another thank you to a big jewel that got me to start meeting her at 530 am when I first started and kicked my rear into gear:)I think the craziest thing I've learned in all of this is that you actually don't even have to believe something is possible for it to happen. I had zero hope when this started. You just have to have a friend willing to sign up for HCC, knowing that you will have FOMO and therefore, you will then sign up too. Sorry for the long sappy post, Until next time, Skinnybitch wannabe