Just a little bit of guns & dresses

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Fat Camp?

Well hello there. I apologize for the blogging absence. I'm sure you have all been anxiously awaiting the return. Just kidding.  But, thank you to my two followers who kept reminding me that I had one of these things. I felt the love (logs and Stephen) Let me explain my absence.

Buckle your seatbelt. Just kidding. Sorry. I am feeling more dramatic than the usual. So here goes. Also keep in mind there is a lot of sarcasm about to be thrown down so you will just have to deal. It is much easier to be sarcastic than for real about this stuff and I'm in charge over here. Sarcasm it is.

September 11. Little did I know I was signing my life away. Literally. September 11 is when life change came busting into my nice, good little unhealthy stagnant lazy ish life. I have no idea how I willingly signed up to do the HCC. Healthy Charleston Challenge. Just the name is giving me some PTSD. My entire family had drunk the HCC Kool Aid and I was doing everything possible to not give in to their HCC evangelism. Dag.  I only lasted a while. I kept thinking I just needed to get this shiz over with so they will stop evangelizing..  I would also like to add that I have one of the best friends in the ENTIRE world. Yes. She signed up and did it with me. THANK GOD bc I would have been hauling ass right out of that door on night 1 when they told be to say good bye to bacon. And coke. And bread. And fun. And everything that I could possibly enjoy. No big deal. Just my ENTIRE life had to be uprooted. No biggie. I love change. Said me NEVER.

That was the 1st half. The other half was fitness. KILL ME NOW. Seriously. So we were divided into teams and got a trainer. Most days of the week you could find us on the verge of tears, mental breaks and extreme anger on the basketball court or the stairwells in the Wellness Center. The first day I thought I would die. We ran 48 flights of stairs and I literally couldn't walk the next day. The next week I actually prayed that God would call me home while on the hellacious stair mill from the depths of hell. Seriously. If I could blow up one exercise related machine it would be that. Hands down. I wanted to throw myself off of it just to sustain an injury. Although, I'm pretty sure they would find some horrible "modification." We had to run a timed mile on 3 separate occasions. Took myself back to freshmen PE at Wando. Last place. Oh yeah. Clydesdale division. I'm still incredibly slow, but I did finally run the whole dang thing. And didn't die. Freaking planks. My behind ran with a tractor tire tied to my waist. Life change. (Vomit) Any who, 10 weeks of this has now come and gone.

10 weeks. I had no energy for anything else. I was just trying to stay sane. And somewhat of a nice person. I had to go eat at places that Whole Foods shoppers eat. Greens. Nuts. Vegetables. Ug. I kept thinking, these little people do this all of the time. ALL-OF-THE-TIME. Like forever. Good Lord. I was not made for that. I am a Mozzo eater. Melvins. Chinese. Yes, I am aware that those places probably led to my demise... No need to bring that up. Any who. We just finished last week. I like to call it fat camp graduation. No, I'm not saying that in a self deprecating way (Well a tiny bit). Fat Camp. It at least kept me laughing. It was like a funny 90's movie. We had so many moments on the track hiding from our trainer. I for one was dying laughing most days about so many gym things. Tudes at the gym. Super work out people. Old people. Our team was kind of like the bad news bears, but I will say that we got it done and we actually became friends. Now I have gym friends. Herb will love this. Dreams coming true:) (that's for you dad).

 So how did it end? In 10 weeks, I learned how not to eat. I learned that bacon and sugar and salt (and pretty much everything I love) is the spawn of Satan and I should never touch them again... We'll see... I may have actually already had some bacon... Oops. Sorry I'm not sorry. In 10 weeks I got rock freakin solid arms. I lost 6 lbs off each arm. (I did not know that was possible). How come no one told me I had massive arms?? Just kidding- never tell me that. Ever. Or you will get punched with one of my new arms. I somehow lost 25 lbs in the 10 weeks. I will say- I never thought it would happen and I had pretty much prepared myself to have a whole lot of pride and act totally un concerned an un affected. Well, after a 1st week of success, I was all in. It is amazing what a little bit of confidence will do for you. I still have a hell of a lot more to go, but fat camp was a success. I probably won't ever bring this up to any of you. Ever. Because I feel like instant death even talking about it. So there you have it. End of story.

I'll leave you with this. Here is some advice on what not to say to anyone at the gym. Especially a girl. Who has just survived fat camp.  Just yesterday a man at the gym told me he was watching me with the mirrors. (At this point I was creeped out). He said I looked strong. "Good core and all. And if I could just strengthen up the mid section it would be great. The mid section is crucial. I think you have a good mid section in there." Really? Let me go crawl in a hole of black abyss and die a slow death.  Also, enter the locker room with your head down. Never make eye contact. If you go in like a normal civilian you will come face to face with naked lady who is standing in the middle just watching. Or lotioning. Neither is good. Trust me.