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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Thoughts from Gryffindor Tower: Beauty Products

I have officially come full circle.  I moisturized tonight.  There's a first time for everything.  Lately, I have been upping the game if you will.  By that I mean, matching my outfits, brushing the hair, wearing some Toms, etc.  And tonight I moisturized.  I went to Target on Sunday with one mission.  Get some product.  I looked in the mirror and discovered that I was a little ashy...  Like dry skin.  On the face.  OH HECK NO.  So I asked some beauty experts and I decided that I needed moisturizer.  So after a few days of letting it sink in, I set off on my mission.  I braved the Target parking lot and made it to the beauty aisle. OH DEAR LORD.  The choices were endless.  All I wanted was moisturizer for beginners??  The plain kind.  Childproof.  Where was the guidebook?  How does one know what to get?  Surely not by trial and error?  Ain't nobody got time for that.  I was in an inner panic.  There's all of these choices: anti aging, spf, no wrinkle, tinted, oil based, oil free, cheap, expensive, serum, night cream, hypoallergenic, organic, cruelty free, alcohol free... and the list goes on. How does an innocent, tomboy trying to conform to the world of womanhood even know where to begin???  It's cruel world out there.  It's not easy.  One wrong choice could lead to oily skin.  Break outs galore.  I was all alone.  My usual beauty consultants were MIA and I was left to decide on my own.  So there I stood.  Awaiting my beauty destiny.  I was fearing oily product.  No need to bring back any middle school break outs.  I must have stared at the choices for a good twenty minutes. (I don't like to rush into crazy things..)  After much inner debate, I made a selection.  20 minutes later...  I was too worn out to go in search of other products such as hair brushes and accessories.  Being a woman is tough.  Seriously.  Especially in this era.  A little exhausting keeping up with the modern woman..   I'm a little late to this part of the game and have a lot of ground to cover.  But, hopefully tomorrow I will not be ashy.  Who knows what is next...

Cheers.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Live Like Rob

It's been 2 months since we said good bye to Rob.  Well, I wouldn't say that I've gotten to the good bye part quite yet, but I'm working on it.  Not to be too dramatic over here, but last week is the first week that I think I've felt "more normal." If that even makes sense.  I'll be brutally honest here- Every day it hits me all over again.  And it sucks.  For a really long time, that would make me mad and sad and crazy at the same time.  I felt like a freak every single day when it would cross my mind.  Now it's different.  Now I welcome it in a weird way.  Probably because I don't ever want Rob to not cross my mind.  As much as I know that he is not here with us anymore, he still seems so alive (I promise I'm not crazy).  Every time I see a terrible e card on Pinterest, I go to text it to him.  I even started drinking seltzer water because it reminds me of him.  I stooped as low as to look up a Roy D. Mercer clip the other day (yeah...).   Not proud of that one.  Almost every time that I have a long drive to a property for work, I catch myself welling up with tears.  I just plain miss him.  His whole ginormous personality.  His laugh.  His voice.  Even his darn sarcasm.  I can't even hardly bash on crocs anymore...  I saw some dude hauk a lugie the other day and let me tell you- the man had nothing on Rob Shore.  Our boy had some serious talent (sorry to gross you out:)  Every time someone asks about him, it hits me again.  But, it's ok.  I love talking about him.

Every day I have the same questions, the same doubts and the same conversations with God.  And every day I still don't have the answers that I'm looking for.  Not even sure that I will ever get the answers.  But, I know that it's ok.  Somewhere, deep down, I know that it is ok.  Not saying I feel ok all the time or anything.  Nah, if I could, I would probably have a good little cry everyday.  But, that's prolly not the way to go about it.  But, alas, here is something very, very cool that has come out of all of this.  Something that I am so excited about!

Live Like Rob.  On July 26th, we are throwing Rob Shore the biggest and best birthday party ever.   There will be live music, shagging, silent auction, bar, great stories and more importantly, a place to honor Rob and raise money for Cystic Fibrosis.  So come one, come all.  This is a birthday party that you will not want to miss.  The throw down will be at Lighthouse on the Creek, 7:30-11:00 pm.  There are a limited amount of tickets, so jump on it.  If you are reading this, then we are most likely friends.  Which means you will be hearing about this event a whole lot more.  So, just go head and get your tickets.  Or we won't be friends (okay, we can still be friends).  You can read more about it HERE.
Or you can purchase tickets/ read more info HERE.  Seriously.  Do not make me ask you twice:)  I promise that you will want to be a part of this.  If you would like to be a sponsor let me know.

Run and tell that.  (Spread the word)


Love you brother.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Listen

I was at an Ananias meeting this afternoon and heard something pretty cool. Ananias is healing prayer by the way.  We learned about listening. It's funny how you know something and then someone smarter than you says it in a much cooler way and then it's like you just heard it for the first time.  And it's brilliant.  Welcome to my life.  

We learned about how listening is much different than hearing.  We learned that listening is satisfies our need to be validated.    We hear with our ears, but listen with our hearts.  We should listen with the heart and ears of Jesus Christ in order to have the right to speak the word of God. About here is when I zoned out.  That was enough for me to chew on.  So cool.  

I got to thinking.  How cool is it, as friends, siblings, children, parents,prayer people, etc that we get the chance to be in relationships with people that we love.  We get the chance to listen to each other.  We get the chance to do life together.  It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's messy, but is real.  It's love.  It's life.  It's what we were made for.  We were made for community.  I am an introvert.  I am also an extrovert.  I need alone time.  I need people time.  At some point, after extreme inner analyzation, I have to talk it out.  And I do it with people that have the gift of listening.  It's so cool.  Having a good chat with a friend is quite possibly one of my all time favorite things.  Not talking at each other.  But, really listening.  You can tell if someone is truly listening to you.  Or when they aren't.  You can tell if they truly get it.  You could tell them anything.  And when you know someone gets it, you feel like a million bucks (or at least I do).  I can tell almost right away if someone doesn't get what I am saying and it's like the Great Wall of China goes up.  I understand the whole validation piece all too well.  It's so true.  To me, good conversation and good company are priceless.  It got me thinking.  I want to be a good listener.  I want to listen with the ears and heart of Christ.  I want people to feel affirmed and loved and understood.  I want to "get it."  So that is my prayer.  That God would give me listening ears and a listening heart. 

Thanks for listening:)

In other news Patty Griffin has new music out.  My ears and heart are very happy:)

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Thoughts from Gryffindor Tower: Hair


Disclaimer: I live on the 3rd floor of the Wagner's house, which I have now deemed Gryffindor Tower.  Just so we are clear.

So, I'm going to get vulnerable here.  Well, not in a spiritual way.  Got to keep it light tonight.  I'm probably going to gross you out.  I just experienced the funniest, weirdest 10 min of 2013.  I came home to the usual scene.  Bexx and Lee Ann doing some crazy math homework.  I usually go straight up stairs, not because I'm anti social, but because I lack any iota of math skills.  Well, I stayed for some socializing.  I was introduced to a hair wand...  Not sure how I feel about it.  I'm still adjusting to a straightener and some curly hair product lotion type stuff.  Not sure I'm ready for the wand yet.  Any who.  Bexx and I got to talking.  She informed me that she had just used a "snake" to clean her shower drain and was pretty proud of herself.  Sounds very glamorous right?  Well, it just so happens that since I moved to Gryffindor Tower, I have also had a drainage problem.  We both immediately race upstairs stealthily. We did not want to attract any attention to our whereabouts.  After many failed attempts, Bexx got into the tub and we worked that sucker down the drain.  Just some roomie bonding.  Here is when I should tell you that I absolutely hate hair that is not attached to some one's head.  Stray and wayward strands of hair completely grosses this sister out.  Like it makes me gag.  Or throw up.  If I see it floating through the air or on a pillow it just gets me...  Side note: The only time I ever skipped class in high school was when someone in the desk in front of me had long hair and it would be so long that it would hit my desk.  Sometimes the stray hair would fall on my desk.  Oh heck no.  I would have to make up some excuse and go roam the halls of Wando until the bell rang.  Gross.  I know this sounds a little dramatic, but besides the hair thing, I'm pretty perfect.  Sike...   So I was a little concerned about what the snake was going to bring me.  She worked that thing like crazy.  Well we got halfway through the dismount and I thought the Lord was calling me home.  My life was flashing before me.  Got a little dizzy.  Definitely nauseous.  The snake is a fighter.  No idea how the hell that thing does what it does, but it gets it done.  It was doing it's job.  I just couldn't take it.  I had to evacuate the scene.  I was going down.  Sick.  I could not be a plumber.  Or a hair dresser.  I abandoned Bexx to finish the job.  Luckily I held it together and could re enter several minutes later.  We laughed so hard.  The two of us on the floor of the bathroom, halfway in the tub, whispering, trying not to puke or die laughing..  Just living the dream.


Sunday, April 14, 2013

A Good Word

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” 
― Henri J.M. NouwenThe Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Blah

I've been trying to figure this out.  This being me, life, feelings etc.  When I'm trying to figure out how I'm doing or how I feel, the only word that seems to come to mind is blah.  So there it is.  I am currently Blah.  Now, I've decided that Blah is neither positive or negative, but just blah.  Still feeling like I am just sitting buns deep in some nice warm pluff mud.  (Got a good visual?)  Instead of jumping right up, I've decided to camp out for a little bit. Maybe sink and inch or so deeper, but not completely stuck.  What's the hurry any who?  Are you smelling what I'm stepping in? 

It terrifies me to actually write this, but I've even been feeling the slightest bit apathetic.  I know, I know, that's probably not good, but it's how I feel nonetheless.  Lacking motivation, care etc.  I don't know how to go about this whole grief thing and the wake of lovely emotion and significant facts of life that it has left behind it.  Not too be too extremely dramatic, but I never thought that something or some circumstance could have this kind of effect on me.  Then the coper/tough girl in me gets pissed that I let it.  I feel dumb waking up everyday still in shock or even denial.  Thinking that somehow the next day will probably be better.  Only to be disappointed with the reality that it in fact has not been a dream.  That the little shiz storm is for real.  Or I just feel kind of stuck.  And then, because I feel dumb about the whole thing, I don't necessarily want to tell anyone else about these thoughts because it always sounds worse when you have word vomit and the poor person that you dump on probably doesn't comprehend just what exactly you are saying and it then becomes a cluster.  And a cluster doesn't help anyone.  So there you have it.  A big ol cluster of Blah. I would rather not talk about something than talk about something and have someone not get it.  (Disclaimer: Not getting it is no fault of the person, it's usually because rain man is speaking or my words make no sense.)  To me- there is nothing worse than spending hours/days/months/years over analyzing something in my head, then saying it out loud (without throwing up) and seeing the poor, confused look of no comprendo in the poor listener's eyes.  Talk about immediate shut down.  Clean up on aisle ten.  Donezo. 

Now I know that people have dealt with way more than this.  And maybe you are tired of my ranting/venting.  But, regardless, it hasn't been a walk on the yellow brick rd over here.  I have more questions and doubts and thoughts than ever before.  But, I'm tired.  I've kind of had enough for now or ever....  But, bottom line, here is what I know.  And this is what keeps me from getting swallowed up in mud.  I know that deep down, I can't fix, change or heal this thing.  I can't fix a broken heart.  Even if it's my own.  No body else can fix, change or heal this thing for me.  Only God can.  And I have to wait on Him.  If I decide tomorrow to put on my big girl boots and tromp right on out of the mud, I may miss what He wants me to learn through all of this.  I may miss something great.   And I don't want to blow it.  I don't want to miss it.  As pissed and disappointed as I have been, I've felt weirdly okay.  I've felt a weird freedom to just be.  I don't feel terrible if I'm driving down the road and just well up with tears for no reason.  Or if I want to whisper yell a cuss word...  Every time i see a Scout boat I think about Rob.  Every time I go to East Bay Deli I think of Rob.  Every time I go into Hobcaw I want to drive straight to Rob's house.  But, then I don't.  And that makes me sad.  I still listen to one of his voice mails every single day.  But, still I know it's okay.  When I forget that the Lord still has me, he shows up (sometimes it takes a while for me to realize.)  He has shown up with people.  Someone told me it's like Jesus with skin on.  People who know they can't fix it, but offer themselves to walk it out.  Just their presence and prayers when it is good or when it feels like it's all gone to hell and a hand basket. It doesn't matter.  They show up.  They give time.  They are safe.  They love.  They are part of the story.  And that is the LORD.  And that is what I am thankful for.

Word to your mom.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Tails

We headed out late Saturday afternoon in search of some red fish.  To say that it was a glorious day would be an awful understatement.  The weather was perfect and the tide was high.  We headed up the Wando, throttle down, looking for some early tailers.  We tried a few spots and had no luck.  We got to our last spot and found just what we were looking for.  We poled across the grass and just about 20 yards from the bow, we saw what we've been waiting all winter for.  Just barely saw that swirl of silver from the corner of my eye.  Not to be too dramatic here, but seeing a red fish tail in the grass, as the sun is setting, is the most beautiful and exciting thing I have ever seen.  Every time I see it, it feels like the first time.  I have to refrain from jumping right off the bow.   Then you cast your line, praying to God that you don't spook that fish into next week.  When it hits your bait it's the most exciting second of your entire life.  Everything stops.  All you can think about is that fish on your line.  Just to feel your rod bent and your hands holding on as tight as possible.  I really thought that I was going to spontaneously combust on the spot.  Then you are sitting on the flat, watching the sun sink down and trying to catch a glimpse of another tail out of water.  I was cutting deals with God just for him to keep that sun up for ten more minutes.. Sadly, it began to sink down.  Oh well... It's the thought that counts...  I forgot every single thing that has been in my head the last few weeks and had 3 hours of pure nature and good company.  Afternoons like this remind me how special this place is.  And just how awesome God is.  I could have sat out there all day.  Staring into the sun.  Hoping and praying that we would see those tails moving.  I can't wait to get back out there.

If you are looking for another good read.  Or if you just like fishing, check out my friend Wild's blog here. Wilds is an awesome fisherman, fly tier, teacher and friend.  Check it out.  Here are some pictures from Saturday evening.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Expectation

Hello there.  I've been a little MIA lately, but we are still trucking over here.  I'm still in the depths of processing/over analyzing/taking it all in over here.  Kind of feels like I've popped a squat in some good old fashioned pluff mud.  Just letting it all sink in over here.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  We take it all, no discriminations.  But, its all okay. 

Today, let's talk expectation.  My good buddy, wiki, defines expectation as follows:

In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

Confession.  I struggle with expectation.  In many ways.  Most importantly, I tend to put a lot of expectation on myself.  (I believe some expectation is healthy, because it keeps you on your game, working hard)  But, I tend to take it straight on up to level 10.  Which in turn, will ultimately, most likely, lead to disappointment or failure.  I paint this picture of perfection in my head and when I self analyze and in turn, don't measure up- its game over.  The introverted side of me goes into freak out mode.  Which is never good.  If you are wondering just what it is that I freak out about, I have a long list, but I'll share a few.  Worrying if people like me, worrying that I'm doing "it" all right, basically always worrying about what people think.  Then the rain man part of me likes to do a little comparing every now and again.  Well, stick a fork in me.  This just never ends well.  Probably because everyone I know is married, getting married, popping out ninos, saving the world, curing diseases, running marathons, doing iron mans, pinning incredible things that they will actually make, have incredible Xmas cards, living the dream, or they are just flat out cool.  I know better than anyone, not to do any comparing, but sometimes (more often then not) I fall down the slippery slope.  To me, the disappointment leads to some kind of let down.  I've either let myself down or I've let someone else down.  And that just about undoes me.  Seriously.  It can be big, small, tiny, minuscule, but any feeling of let down on my part is like the worst thing I can imagine.  If I think I failed someone in any way, the thoughts get rolling and there's no stopping them.  I know this sounds very trivial or simple, but I'm just getting it out there.  I'm working on it.  Well, the Lord is helping me work on it... it's a big one and I welcome any help that I can get.

So back to expectation.  Obviously, the last month or two has been a little different than I was anticipating.  I was expecting to take on 2013 like none other.  I think at new years I even mentioned I was going to go into beast mode in 2k13.  That means owning it.  Well, it's been a little different than expected.  I wasn't expecting that i would enter into car trouble hell.  I wasn't expecting to bum rides for eons (totally and horrifically out of my compfot zone).  I wasn't expecting or excited about buying another car.  Never for the life of me thought I would say good bye to Rob.  I never expected to be 100% undone about something or 100% out of control.  And then I really never expected everything that has since come out of it.  Completely un related, but all intertwined at the same time.  Flipping exhausting is what it is.  But, I never expected to be completely ruled by it.  I'm a tough one.  Usually keep on trucking.  That has not been the case.  I'm buns down in the mud here.  But it's okay.  It has been a little bit of a struggle letting go of the expectation that everything is okay and that I'm fine.  Because I'm not.  Or expecting to wake up today a new person.  Not sad, or mad or disappointed.  Expecting to be all good here.  I keep expecting that i won't still be in complete shock. Or be sad. Weirdly- I never expected to have such great friends through it all, but that expectation has been exceeded. I'm still just as sad.  But, I know where I am and who's got me.  And as simple as it sounds, I know that's all that I need to know.

Sorry for the ramble.  It is what it is.

SRS.