Last week was the meltdown. I think it is safe to say that I am on the mend. It's going to be a slow process, but I actually feel much much better. This weekend was perfect for post meltdown. I was supposed to go to Edisto, but I was still pretty sick on Saturday so I postponed going until this morning and then got the call not to come. On Fri I got to eat supper with roomie Meredith, Miss Osteen to you middle schoolers.. Then I got to go get entertained at the Clayton house. Hilarious. After some NCIS and dance lessons, I headed home. Saturday was so nice because I really didn't have to do anything. Which I LOVE. Got to go fly casting, watch fooseball at the Grady's (GO COCKS! & got to watch Clemson lose... sorry, but the office was getting quite annoying. Hopefully the boys will have less to brag about) and then hang at the Senf's. Today may have been the best ever. Bexx and I laid on the couch for almost 4 hours. Watched some Gilmore Girls and the Holiday. Apparently I slept for about 3/4 hours hardcore. Yesssss. Then tonight was the yuck fest at church. I will be honest. I was not 100% wanting to get yucky. So I played tug o war and then took pics...
It was disgusting.
I mean, you can't get much cooler than that..
Poor nightmere, she was forced into the yuck..
I mean, I know I say this a lot, but I seriously love these people! They are awesome. And I said that. Ok. I'm out.
**Disclaimer- I'm writing this because sometimes writing is how I process. I know what I need to do and what not, so don't worry. I'm not writing this for you. It's for me. And it is LLOONNGG. So read at your own risk**
Today I had a little mini meltdown. Well it was mini compared to most, but to me- it was big. And pivotal. So I think. I think I kind of reached the end of me. Which is good. It has actually been quite a long time coming. It started back in September when I went down to CHM. (My splash of the Holy Spirit post). I knew things were happening. I knew I was doing a lot. But, I kept on. Steady Eddy. It was all building. What is "it" you ask? Well its bad time management, lack of quality time with me and God, saying yes to things that I should have said no to, failing in relationships, insecurity and everyday junkness. Then came the wedding and the MOH duties. These were totally fine, but they just built on to the gigantic snowball that was barrelling at me and mach 10. So naturally, I ignored it. The wedding came and went. I somehow became extremely emotional post wedding. (I seriously could not figure out what was wrong). I cried when Logan left. And frankly was feeling weird all week. Not because I am sad. But I know things will have to change a little bit or a lot bit. I guess for some reason, I was having a hard time with that. I was really tired after the wedding and never exactly caught up with everything. Then that Fri I was going on the Youth Retreat and we had to be at the church at 9am Fri. I had a hard time sleeping because I sometimes get trip anxiety. The weekend was so so incredible. But it was also exhausting. And I bet that I slept 7 total hours on the trip. I just could not get my sleep on. On Sunday afternoon, I could hardly move. All achy and tired. I knew I was getting sick. And bam! It hit me. I got sick. It is now Thurs and I am still sick (just a side note). I worked half a day on Monday and Dad said I didn't look good and sent me home. To rest. But, of course, I could not rest well. And the Young Life banquet was that night (which was incredible.) I woke up Tues (after 3 hrs of slumber) not being able to breathe through my nose. I felt awful. But I went to work. Headed to leadership huddle where Cassie made me show her my calender. It was much worse than I imagined. Too many things. It usually seems fine to me, but when I actually show it to someone- it's bad. So we are going to do some re-arranging. But it got me to realize some things. I rolled on to Wed. Here is when the meltdown reared the beginnings of it's fugly lil head. Thoughts had been sitting with me all day. I went to church in a really bad mood. We were singing one song at the end and I couldn't even sing the words because I felt so bad about it. I had to walk out. Then we had Fight Club/Small group. And it was so good. We talked about noise and not being able to hear God (Crazy how these things work). I basically shared what was going on with me to them. Which I think is good because I am a leader, but I'm normal and deal with the same things that they do. It turned out that some of them were dealing with the same junk. Today I worked and felt sick so I left. Went to small group. Someone said how are you? Normally I say fine. Today I said "terrible." RED FLAG. They made me talk about it. It was good. For the most part. You see, I know that I have said yes to too much. I spread myself too thin. I know this. Now I just have to work my way out of it. I also know that things are weighing me down that I need to give to the Lord. Here is what I need to do.
I need some boundaries. Because boundaries define us. They give us a limit. I know that I am a people person. And I can't make choices depending on what I think people want me to do. I am responsible for my attitude. It's in my heart, not anybody else's. I know that I need to recognize my feelings instead of ignoring them. Feelings tell us how we are. I need to take my thoughts seriously. So many thoughts go unnoticed. But, I need to observe them and reflect on them. God says to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. I need to explore my talents. This has been super difficult for me, since I have not had the time or energy to do so. I can't accept other people's definitions of me or who they think I am or what they think I am good at. "We lose our true selves when we conform to others - we lose our separateness and our identity (paraphrased from a book we are reading through). I need to make intentional choices. Our choices are not real unless we realize all that goes into them-feelings, attitudes, behavior etc. I'm borrowing this also: "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver" 2 Cor.9:7. This stood out to me so much. I don't want to give or serve out of obligation. I am starting to realize my limits. Be it the hard way, but it's happening. I have to remember that I have a finite amount of love, energy, ability etc. When I start to feel overwhelmed and stressed, I need to realize where I have overstretched myself. And say no. A lot of times it means saying no to really good things. And that is the hardest part. At least for me. I hate to say no to good stuff. Especially if I feel like I will miss out or it is my only chance. And it all depends in what kind of season we are in. Sometimes I have more to give. Sometimes-less.
So I know this seems like a lot. But it can be done. I'm not saying this stuff non chalantly like I know how to do it all. Because I don't. Not even close. But I know what needs to happen. And I have to trust that the Lord is going to be right there alongside me every step. That in it's self is a miracle to me. It could take a day, or a month or a lot of months. Who knows? So if you don't hear from me for a while- fret not. I'll be working some kinks out. But it's got to be done. Alright, I'm off to sleep. Hopefully.
Confession. This just in. I LOVE BABIES. It's bad. Like, if I could- I would adopt them tomorrow. Newborns. Mostly boys. Mom has made it a little more clear that she would like lil grandmunchkins at any time. I told her we just have one lil problemo. Home girl weill most likely need to score a boyfriend. Then maybes a hubs. Then there is a chance for lil sasslits runnng rampant. Don't freak out. I'm just stating the obvious. I think that is not happening any time in the near future... It just so happens one of my favorite people just had a lil newbie addition to her fam. Now she has 3 lil boy bambinos. I'm sure her house is super calm most days. This morning, before work, I went to snap some lil photos of Benjamin David Sutherland. I didn't have to try too hard because he is PRECIOUS. Here are a few of my favs.
Homeboy is giving the peace sign. no biggie. (Above)
Last night, after returning from the retreat, I went to Barbara St. for a lil pumpkin party. Yes, I was exhausted. I was probably a party pooper, but there were pigs in a blanket and I couldn't let them hang at the party alone.. I only lasted an hour and didn't even try to shape up a pumpkin. So I drank coke and chatted with J-Wall. And watched spiderman and strawberry tutu girl run around in circles in the back yard...
I told the spidey's to work it for the camera.. and they did...
Oh, and Wim may or may not have stabbed herself...
This weekend I got to go on the St. A's Impact Retreat. I will be honest, I was a tiddle bit hesitant. Only because I'm not the most enthusiastic about things of this nature. And I was still exhausted from my Maid of Honor duties last weekend. But, I couldn't resist getting the chance to hang with "Fight Club" over the weekend. So we headed out on the bus (reason 1 why I don't like retreats). It wasn't bad. And I had Dt. Dew and kettle corn, so I was able to make it. We were divided into small groups. The weekend was awesome. Our small group dominated. 100%. I got to play bass for the first time, which was super fun. I got my first bun and braid in the ol hair. We also mis used the term "that's what she said" over 1 million times. I think I tucked in like 20 girls on sat night... I really feel like we grew together as a group. I got the opportunity to pray with some really great kids. It's so cool to see them have special moments and get to be a part of it. Plus, there was a lot of hang out time which I happen to be a fan of. Like so:
I lurv them lots:)
Just look at them..How could you not want to have spontaneous dance parties and show tunes?
Crouching tiger hidden dragon?
I tried Yoga.. Fail.
Night mere saved my life.
Fight Club = DOMINATION.
I got to sport my first bun. I think I could totes be a samurai... Just saying.
All in all- It was a stellar weekend. I am so so so tired. Thank goodness I will not awake tomorrow to "Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey"..... Or have to wear shoes in the shower. Or eat bacon that tastes like fish. Amen. Catch you cats on the flipside.
Rewind to last Thurs. Late afternoon. Of course very last minute. I realized on Thurs during lunch that I needed some supplies for my bridesmaidenshipness. And I was sent to Belk's. (I am frienemies with Belk by the way. Remember my first breakdown??**Disclaimer: Boys, can stop reading now if you'd like.** What kind of supplies you ask? Like a new bra. Strapless. Also, I decided to take a real leap of faith and purchase my first pair of Spanx. Spanx are some magical things that you squeeze into and they make you look better. Well, that's my explanation. All my friend girls have them and whenever they would talk about how awesome Spanx were- I just nodded and pretended that I knew what they were talking about. So I went for it. And they worked. I think. I kinda like them. Nice and snug... So let's get to the breakdown. I did fine securing the Spanx. The strapless bra was a whole nother story. A bad one. I'm just not a good shopper of the bras. There are like 2,345 choices. And colors. And sizes. And styles. It was miserable. I literally walked up and down the aisles for 20 straight minutes before I even touched one. I broke out in a sweat. Cussed. I had no idea what kind to get. Why can't there be a strapless section. Why are they all mixed in? It was bad. I didn't snap a pic because people would have totes judged me. Plus it's weird. Even for me. So I continued searching. I was crumbling. I finally just found a black one and ripped it off the rack. Didn't really even look at it. I was sweating by the time I made it to the check out. The lady jut stared at me. In 49 minutes flat (told you it was bad) I managed to find one bra. I had reached my threshold. So I left. Vowing to never go back. I mean, I would love to be able to wear long sleeve tees and sports bras all day. That would be the life huh? So note to self. And you. I can't pick out pillows at Belk's. And now we can add strapless bras to the mix. There you have it. Being a DIVA girl is really hard... But someone has got to do it. Every once in a while...
Today was Tuesday. Some Tuesdays are more special than others. My friend Tyler Yahtzee McCoy and I have a tradition. It's called Non Year Team Tuesday. Since 2 of my roommates get to do year team, along with some other friends (Yahtzee did it last year) we celebrate. This was our 4th in a row:) Sometimes we have some food, but we mostly gather together to have good sarcastic and inn appropriate sparring and watch as many episodes as we can. Just one problem. Tyler has faulty equipment and we have no remote. So that means no skipping episodes. You have to endure whatever is on the disk that you put on. And whatever you don't finish- is dunzo because you would have to re-watch all of the previous episodes to get to the next... I am most likely the worst person to watch Dawson's Creek with because 1) I was once 100% obsessed and have seen every episode many a times 2) I like to say what is about to happen and or quote the lines 3) I used to think my life was in Capeside (questionable I know). I was living and breathing Dawson's Creek whenever possible.. It is very different watching it now. There are several characters that I can't stand. The used impossible vocabulary for high school kids. I am 26 nd do not know what a lot the words are... I still have a crush on Pacey and Jack, Why o why did they have to make Jack gay. Gosh. Anyways, tonight I will focus on the character that drives me the most crazy. ABBY MORGAN. She was mean. Total you know what.. She died in one of tonight's episodes. Too much champagne and rolled right off a dock. Then Jenn blames Andy and so on. Very intense. Here she is:
So that's my analysis of today's non Year Team Tuesday. Tyler made homemade coconut macaroons. They were beautiful. If only I could like coconut... I will leave you with my Creek crushes...
Then I came across this one which pretty much describes Dawson... Such a Pansy. But he did help me through high school so I guess he will have to do...
Tomorrow I will bring you another Belk's breakdown... Pre-wedding style...
(This may be a long one-read at your own risk) This weekend was a straight up whirlwind. If you didn't know my best friend, Logan, became Mrs. Mark Reynolds Chandler this weekend. Wow, even just typing that brought lil baby tears to my eyes. Logan and I have been friends for a really long time. She is one of the best people that I know and I love her a whole heck of a lot. She gets my sense of humor, I get hers and we tend to constantly laugh at each other. We are were destined to be friends. In my opinion.
That being said, when she got engaged I was 97% really excited. Only 3% sentimental slash sad (in a good way). Sad because she may not need me as much anymore. You know, since she will have a hubby and all... After she was engaged, she called me one day. Now I have been around the bridesmaid block a few times. I had a sense that she was going to ask me to be a maid. I was shocked slash traumatized when she asked me to be her MOH (maid of honor). I think I may have hung up or not responded. I finally breathed again and accepted the position. I had MOH anxiety all through the engagement. I don't know what I was worried about. Actually that's a lie. I know why. I'm scared of the dress, I don't know how to do makeup or wear makeup, I don't like standing in front of everyone and I always feel way way way too vulnerable So I was nervous. As the wedding approached I began to get really excited. Then I got the dress and realized it wasn't going to be horrible. Then I started thinking about my friend. It's so cool to see someone that you love transform into a bride. That being said, our wedding festivus began on Thurs morning with a bride and MOH mani pedi. It was funny. Then we had a good ol bbq dinner at the Stout compound. On Fri we had the rehearsal. I know you have been waiting on the fascinator to made its debut. Well I busted it out at the rehearsal. And I kinda ABSOLUTELY loved it. I don't know why, but it made me feel a bit sassy. It got some pretty good reviews also.
The bride also loved it..
It may have to become a standard in my fashion wardrobe.. You know, for special occasions. After taking forever at the church, we headed to dinner at the MTP waterfront park. It was beautiful. We wined and dined and gave toasts. I didn't realize just how honored I was to be the MOH until I was standing up there making up a toast. I just got flooded in emotion. I was just looking at them and realized how much they love each other and how much I love them. Separately and together. They really are perfect for each other. I woke up early Saturday because I was so excited. We had the bridesmaid brunch at The Post House.
Then I went home to prepare for the big day. I called in reinforcements. Caroline and Meredith came in to make me look like a glamorous MOH. It's going to stink when they go to college.. I guess I will have to learn how to do my own hair and makeup... But, they worked their fashion magic and I was ready to strut it on down the aisle.
I accidentally had my camera on black and white. For the love... Anyways, I was feeling pretty stylish. I threw on the dress and headed over to the Stout house. We all got ready and boarded the super cool trolley and headed for the church. We took loads of beautiful pics thanks to our friend Josh Drake. By the way Josh, I am DYING to see some of them.. hint hint. Then we hit the ceremony. I loved getting to go down right before the bride. It gave us a few moments to talk. It was so surreal. When I started down the aisle, I realized just how lucky that I was to get to be the MOH. I looked at Mark and he smiled at me, and I realized how excited I was for him to get to marry my best friend. I also was so excited to get to know him even more. Then Logan came down the aisle. I literally lost my breath. I have never seen her look more beautiful. The ceremony was smooth and I didn't mess anything up or what not. Then we rode the trolley to the reception. The reception venue is our friend's parents house in Awendaw. I can't begin to describe to you how gorgeous and magical it was. Twinkle lights through the trees, things hanging and a creek in the background. I was stunned. Mcc and I had the pleasure of getting to watch the Chandlers have their pics on the doc while all of the guests were still in the front. It was beautiful. We bustled her up (who would have thought that I would even know what the heck that was) and the party started. I spent most of my time on the dance floor breaking it on down. Wedding reception Sarah is my personal favorite version. Just saying. Dancing is my all time favorite. I got the chance to dance with Mark and got to tell him just how happy I am. I never get to do that. I enjoyed so many things, but I loved getting to see Lauren Vallotton, Summer, Fras and other old friends. I realized just how much I missed them since they don't live near us anymore. Soon it was time for them to leave. They rode out in an awesome red, old school convertible. Just as they were leaving I got a lil emotional. May have shed a few tears on Mr. Stout's shoulder.. Then I had to say by to Summer and Lauren which in turn made me more emotional. If you want to see a few more pics, check out Betsy's version. I can't wait to see Josh's pics. I finished out the night with a good lil slumber party with the Allison McCarthy. It was stellar. That's all for me tonight. I am pretty exhausted. Catch ya later.